To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

This was me and my friends 30 years ago. One of us drove or we paid for a taxi, with money from our part time jobs. Or we didnt go. Our parents would never have come to fetch us and we wouldn't have thought to ask (i can only imagine the answer!). They can pay for a taxi, and I would advise them to pre book and pre pay so they don't run out of money and they know it's available.
My son has the same rules. I would make an exception for a special event like her 18th or say Alevel results day.

I think we can all agree that 3am pickups are not the way forward just why has it gone on so long, why hasn't anyone pushed the taxi solution before now. They've just let this woman do it with a voucher for Christmas. I'd be mortified to take the piss like this.

Either take turns or book a taxi.

In your position @bringmetolife , my response to the other mum would be "I will not be able to drive safely at 3am, so I will arrange a known taxi when it's my week"

Except I wouldn't have needed to, because my daughters and their friends wouldn't have dreamed of keeping us up until 3am.
When their nights out finished around midnight they were sweet, and appreciative of being picked up. When they were old enough to stay out until the early hours, they were old enough to sort and pay for a taxi.

At 18 I was getting taxis home with friends. I don't understand why this generation of 18 year olds are so molly coddled by some parents. We had bad men black in the 90s too so it's not like we were in any less danger. I would have been embarrassed had my mum turned up to pick me up from a night club. It was bad enough her waiting up for me.

If they're old enough to get pissed they're old enough to make their own way home. And learn how to budget travel into their night out.

No, they'd have to get a taxi unless Dad wants to pick up.

Did you read that the girls are 18? And therefore adults not kids? Why on earth would their mums be booking and paying for their taxis? They’re not children. They can surely manage to book and pre pay for their own taxis. If one mum chooses to pick them up then that’s on her but the other parents don’t have to be guilted into it. It’s baffling

You pick your mum and dad up at 3am and vice versa?

You are not unreasonable but neither is the other mum. Why should she keep doing all the late night pick ups? So, you need to support her on the thread a bit more, underline that none of you want to do the pick ups and say there is either the taxi option or a hotel option (maybe look at a couple with prices). Then say you will talk to your own DD and ask her to organise preferred options with others. If they are old enough to go clubbing, they are old enough to organise themselves. You could also contact other mum privately and say given the lack of input from the others perhaps this is one for the two of you to get your own DD to sort?

Making them learn the hard way would be refusing to get them if they were stuck. I don't know anyone who would do this. I would go and get anyone if they were stuck no matter their age.
Making them pay for their own taxi is teaching them responsibility
So many people on this thread are normalising living beyond your means. You have, let's say £50 to go out, that's what you can afford. It's 15 each for a taxi so you have 35 to spend on the rest. Not, you have 50 to spend so you spend it all and someone else will pay to get you home!

I think it's very unreasonable of the 4 young women, aged 18, to expect to go clubbing until 3am twice a month and be picked up at 3am by a parent every time. They need to compromise or find a solution themselves.
They can either reduce the frequency of the clubbing or take turns to drive (surely some of them are driving) and remain sober or perhaps pay a friend to come out and bring them home (I know young people who do this) or all fund a taxi together. I think it's really unfair to expect their parents, most of whom presumably work, to be having very limited sleep in order to support their 3am social life. I would collect at 11pm/12am now and again but 3am is ridiculous on a regular basis.

Considering minimum wage has also increased considerably too.

Omg...I actually can't believe what am reading 😱 surely if you go clubbing until 0300am you are an adult!?!?!? If so they make your own damned way home. I understand the safety side of things butbis it not as simple as prebooking a taxi and informing parents of what taxi company they are using.....am I missing something?

It’s not every weekend, even if no other parents join in, it’s once a month. I’d do it.

Presuming they are around 18 at that age I would have paid for a taxi with friends. No parents picking us up after midnight. I live rurally and if it came to it yes I’d do it occasionally. But also it’s a nightmare time by the time you actually get into bed and you’re not young and drunk. I would be encouraging their independence with this one.

And yes, they are 18, but a young 18 given they are still in school not uni. It is different and i can understand the other mum being concerned for safety

They are not 10. They are adults. They need to figure this out. Other Mum has been ridiculous. Pre book a local taxi company- perfectly safe.

Some people on here will be following their children up to uni to give them lifts everywhere.

They are old enough to sort this themselves really and should plan in a way of getting home.
That being said your solution is more than reasonable

We used to get a taxi to one person's house and sleepover - so no-one had to be alone in the taxi being the last one dropped off.

Can you suggest that?

If they're old enough to go clubbing and get pissed, they're old enough to get themselves home. They're old enough to vote, join the army, get married. Just because they're doing A'levels doesn't make them too young.

If it’s £12.50 - £15 each for a cab, you are not U at all.
How much are they spending on drinks for each of these nights out?

The girls need to factor a taxi in their costs.
If that means not going as often then that's the way it has to be.
They are 18 + time to take responsibility for themselves

I would tell your DD that her and her friends need to have a plan that isn't 'mum will just do it' as that's not fair. This club isn't going to move closer so do they plan to do that for evermore? Are none of them taking driving lessons?

When we were young, we did things like

Didn't go out very often.
Took it in turns to drive and not drink.
Left early and got the bus.
Work more hours and pool together and got a taxi.
Stayed at each others houses to lower the cab fare.

I would never have asked my parents to collect me at 3am!

Having said that, DH always tribes out to get ours from parties etc. He has collected once at 3am from a club but this was agreed as a one-off years ago and never asked again-they had a great night and were v grateful but all realised it's not fair.

I can see why this friend's mum has done it and I can see what she's pissed off and wants someone else to take a turn. I'd probably say they need to go to that place less/learn to drive but I'd do a turn once every 2 or 4 months and they can factor that into their plans.

I’d just do it. The taxi solution doesn’t solve everything. It’s a safety thing, not a money thing. The other Mum doesn’t want three or four pissed 18 year old girls getting in to a cab with a strange man. Reputable, local taxi firms won’t want to be picking up kids from clubs either.

Getting a taxi is not always as easy as people think.

This has been going on 4 months. If another parent was picking my daughter up at 3am twice a month I'd have addressed this ages ago 'Hi thanks so much for all the lifts you've kindly given my daughter, I sadly can't/won't take turns but we can't have you doing all the ferrying about so we'll get taxis booked from now on'. Or get her adult dd to have the exact same conversation with her friends.

It is the end of January how has this gone on so long?

If you could agree to split the lifts four ways so that each set of parents did their share, then I would be fine with doing it one night every two months. If that couldn’t be worked out, then they should share the cost of a taxi.