To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

If there's 4 of them the taxi is £15 each. That's a small amount compared to what they will have paid for their night out.

I have been the collecting mum, but my DD is disabled and it gave her a lot of security knowing I would always go and get her. I would never have asked any of the other parents to do it.

Are there any female driven taxis in your area?
We have a ladies only taxi company near us. Could be worth a look to see?

How is this a serious suggestion for s bunch of 18 year olds still at school.

How much money do you think people have?

A hotel for 4 people would be at least £300 these days. They go out every weekend!

I think the poster meant the four of them sleep in one room with two beds. I’ve done this before, it was £50 for all of us.

Out of interest OP, how would you feel if this mum started collecting just her own dd and left the other girls? Would you give your dd the full taxi amount of £60?

YANBU. Taxis are a safe option if they stick in a group and use a licensed company. I would pay for her share of a taxi but no way would I be driving to pick them up. If she chooses to that's up to her but if she's unhappy doing it then she needs to have a word with her own DD to find a solution and not make it your problem.

Ubers are tracked within an inch of their lives and you and the driver need to check your code. We are ok with our late teen girls using them. The risk seems minimal. Our issue is they use them too much lazy madams!

I would do it for DS and his mates once a month. My sister did it for her DS and their group. Now they are all driving, they take turns as delegated driver so they all get home safe. If I wasn’t up for driving or taking a turn, I’d pay their taxi. As for when that stops, when they are working fully, driving etc.

I used to live a £25 taxi ride (back in the 00s, when we were all on £5 per hour jobs) from the town nightclubs. It was part of the expense of the night out for us to split the cab fare home. We picked up a licensed cab and travelled in a group. Or we took turns driving once we passed our tests. I would never have expected a lift at 3am.

Do the girls not drive? They should be doing the driving rota themselves, not relying on parents. And if they aren't driving yet, this would be a good motivation for them to pass!

Absolutely! That freedom!

It depends on where in the country they are? You can get hotels for 37 quid a night in some areas. Plus of they can afford to go out clubbing they probably have a fair amount I'd disposable income? I understand the dangers to women but they are adults, right?

Do you know what is unreasonable? The expectation on the part of these teens that they are entitled to clubbing. Just look at them - not a one-off visit to a club, but it is as if they go for a nightshift job - a regular occurrence. Don't they have anything to revise before applying for further education? Have the parents gone mad as well as teenagers? Madness.

This is wild - wish my mum had offered to pay for my taxis home from nights out back in the 2000’s 🤣🤣 not a chance!

Parents like a good social life, so between me/dh and my sister and her partner we split it. It’s not every week, probably every other, and we’ll split that as equally as we can. My parents are still quite young and very much more up for a night out than I have ever been 😂 a night in at friends will easily see us getting home at 3am though!

DH also works into the night a couple of times a month, so sometimes it’s easier to get them altogether. He could drive, but I’ve always felt safer him not driving after that particular shift, there’s never any guarantee of finish time as there’s too many factors involved.
I generally work until midnight-1am but I’m back in job 1 for 10, so that’s why we split everything. Our parents do plenty for us in return.

I remember splitting the cost of a taxi that cost a tenner with my best mate 25 years ago! £15/person these days isn’t bad at all. The other mum is way too over protective! What’s she going to do when her DD goes to uni at the other end of the country? While I get what she’s saying, she’s chosen to do this! They’re not 5 and organising a play date. I’d actually be mortified if I was the DD here!

I lived in a rural area a substantial distance away which meant me getting expensive taxis home by myself. My parents never picked me up late at night. I was always expected to make my own way home.

You could do it one weekend at least but not commit to a rota.

This could work. The driving mum could collect in person, others pay for a taxi when it's their turn

Or the girls pay for themselves

My dd hates being in a taxi herself, when her and her uni friends go out they book a premier inn family room for the 3 of hem , last time it was £17 each. A taxi back to ours would be £25 (just to get dd home) and none of the girls stay near each other so it makes sense to stay in town and come home in the morning.

only problem is it’s hard to get a hotel room for 2 unless you book a family room.

@bringmetolife

I’d probably be like your friend and do the pick up at 3am, but I recognise most people would think this is OTT and I wouldn’t expect others to do the same.

I’d suggest a rotation. Each family/girl sorts out transport in turn whether it’s pick up/taxi/hotel. If any other family doesn’t feel safe with suggestion (taxi) - then they don’t go for that week. Cost is split. And get husbands involved too!!! If one family doesn’t sort out then they don’t go for that week.

• they are 18 they should be getting a taxi or cheap hotel
• that said, I would do the rota once every 2 months. It really isn't that much of an ask.

Not much to ask for some maybe. But for me this would mean I would have zero sleep all night. I wouldn't get to sleep if I had to get up at 2am, and I wouldn't get back to sleep at 4am. So for me, a whole night's sleep is far more than I'm willing to give for my teen to have a night out. They find a safe way to get home or a hotel or they don't go out.

I'd be sympathetic to your DD and their friends, but for the sake of about 1-2 hours, perhaps they should be staying locally more often. Maybe once a month shared so you do alternate ones, and so you'd only be doing this four or five times more, assuming one or more of them move away to university in the autumn.

My mum used to do this for me (our parents would take it in turns) and I've always been of the mindset that I'll do it for my children. I wouldn't expect anyone else to do it though as I completely appreciate not everyone will want to. So I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. Hope you can all agree a solution going forward!