To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

I am not an anxious parent. In this situation, however, I would happily collect once every 4-6 weeks. Just to do something nice for my child, because I can. I wouldn't plan my life around it, and would prioritise my own plans - assuming I had nothing on, I can't see the big deal.

Oh if it was once a month, I'd probably do it. But not on the basis that someone needs to do it every time. Other mum is going to have to let go at some point, to an extent, terrifying as it is.

@JockTamsonsBairns I live in Nepal and would be a lot less worried about a gang of four girls out late here than in the UK.

I think it’s a bit entitled that the girls are still in school and expect to go clubbing. Perhaps clubbing needs to wait until they have jobs and can afford to or live at uni closer to cities. Do they need to be clubbing at 18 ? Given many of their friends have to socialise without clubs as are still 17 ? Aren’t they focusing on a levels ?

I have no idea about this age group though. I suppose I might do the lifts every few weeks. It seems more fair than getting one Mum to do it. You could at least get them there & suggest they pay for a taxi home as a compromise.

Taxi or family room at a Travelodge. I'd have been mortified at that age letting my mum get me at 3am!

@Lavenderfarmcottage no one NEEDS to go clubbing 😂 but it's brilliant fun at that age. They're just living their lives!

I think expecting them to get a taxi is perfectly reasonable, they shouldn’t be expecting a lift every other week.

I would be happy to pick them up every 2 months but not once a month. The other parents would need to help out if this was to be a solution, doesn’t seem like they will though.

Clubbing out of town should be a one off if a lift is needed afterwards at 3.00am. Girls need to become independent, if they're too young to arrange transport then they shouldn't go every weekend.

This mom is unreasonable and controlling thinking that it is normal to stay awake until 4:00am to offer a taxi service.

Once a month and shared taxi. Independence day for everyone.

Helicopter parenting at it's worst. Four 18yos are quite capable of getting a taxi home on their own.

Someone needs to teach them some life skills so they can manage this for themselves. Imagine if you took unwell or the car didn't start and they were stranded in town at 3am not knowing what to do. They need to learn to plan and budget for the journey home, seek out reputable taxi companies where drivers are CRB checked, msg each other when they get home to ensure everyone got back ok. Parent pick-ups should only be for emergencies.

Surely most people do have plans at 3am? Sleeping!

I think the logic is apply to this is if the daughter of the taxi-mum moved away/ left the group, would you all step in and give the remaining girls lifts?

I am absolutely staggered that this mother has been doing this and that any of you would consider it. If these girls want to go clubbing then they are old enough to figure out how to get home. Why are none of them driving? I have a 17 year old and as selfish as she can be, I just cannot fathom her behaving like this. Sorry if this sounds harsh.

Alcohol and taxis are more expensive nowadays! Especially for teens who don't have much money.

Pre-booked taxi is a perfectly good solution.

But this reminds me of something I experienced last summer. Was out drinking at a bar on the edge of town and got talking to some people. All grown adults, in their 30s at least, perhaps older. We decided we'd head into town to go to the nightclub, about 25 minutes walk away (in a very very safe town, no one is worried about walking). One of these grown adults called their mum to come and pick them up and drive them there! I was amazed, and doubly amazed that their mum actually came. And seemed happy to do it.

I suspect mum was also called later on to pick them up from the club

If I went out at 18 then it was up to me to get back. I was usually on my own as I lived out of the way of all my friends.

YANBU It’s definitely time the girls learnt that planning how to get home safely is part of planning a night out.

Taking responsibility for this now will pay them dividends on all manner of things in the future.

Licensed taxis are heavily tracked these days. Every trip is carefully monitored and recorded. The taxi company knows exactly where a driver is second by second. In many cases CVTV is used. There is not a chance I would use a mini cab or uber. But a licensed, tracked taxi with verified and reliable drivers is the way to go here, and explaining the differences to the girls.

They are 18 not 8, and need to start navigating the world. Many would be back packing around Asia at this age for heavens sake.

Let’s upskill our DDs not trap them in a small world. You could start by making it clear that preloading is dangerious, and that the best way to stay safe anywhere is staying coherent.
Using specialist nail vanish to test spiked drinks. Keep themselves safe and well, learn to stretch themselves. Use taxis safely, become independent and plan their nights.

Do none of the girls drive? I grew up rurally and we would take it in turns to be designated driver (and pretty strict on no drinking at all), or we would book a taxi. I have been picked up from all sorts of places at all sorts of times by my dad, but only when things have gone wrong. A plan to get home was very much my responsibility. The only thing they did do religiously was to collect my car if I changed plans and wanted to drink and I think that was to ensure absolute safety from any idiotic temptation to drive I might have had.

It's your (well, your DD's) responsibility to ensure she has a way home that doesn't rely on the other mother, but it's not your job to get up at 2am to cater to the other mothers anxiety.

I'd reiterate the taxi offer. You could push it by actually booking the taxi for next weekend, and say "DD will get this taxi home, all the others are welcome to join".

JockTamsonsBairns
No one picked me up from anywhere, ever! To be fair, I went away to Uni down south at 17 and didn’t really ever live back at home. I lived close enough to walk/ stagger home from Clatties. What a dive it was. Do you remember the sticky carpet? Yeuch.

I’d do it and have done, as we chose to live in the arse end of nowhere so we expected it when we moved here. Its also not unreasonable to expect them to get a taxi though.

Wow that is next level pandering - these kids don’t know they’re born!I grew up rurally it is a bloody pain as a teen. The city was a 25 min drive zero public transport. We would get a lift in usually but never back! Shared a cab and we all learned to drive as early as possible.

Needless to say we have not inflicted the life of a rural teen on ours. In our small city it’s a 35 min walk to the clubs and pubs with lots if buses and Ubers amongst 4 are a couple of quid. Like hell would I collect! Dd is 18 she worked until 11 then went out! God knows when she got home. I was fast asleep.

Why? If they can afford to go clubbing they can afford a taxi.