To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

This is it. Teach DC to be sensible and street wise rather than thinking 'Mummy will swoop in and save you'. They are far more likely to come to harm in the club than in a taxi. And where is the cut off, women come to harm at any age, are we supposed to be ferrying our daughters about until the day we die naively thinking that somehow makes them safe?

You are spot on!

Clatty Pats was the colloquial term for Cleopatra's nightclub in Glasgow. A notorious haunt for all of us in the 90s, but very much a part of us 'growing up'?

The thought of my mother parked up outside at 3am is bringing me out in hives 😂

You chose to live where you do with few transport options so your DD has to travel far out for a normal nightlife.

How many places outside London have transport options at 3am?

The DD chooses to travel to go clubbing. She can be responsible for getting herself home.

I voted YABU because once every two months is a very infrequent ask; and now you mention a DH, I’d definitely ensure he does his share too.

Recently 18 and still in school, I’d definitely offer. My own DD is 18, and on the occasions she’s asked, I go to bed early (10ish) so I’ve had a few hours sleep before heading out to collect her. (Once she’d drunk punch in someone’s house and was plastered, and to be honest I was glad she wasn’t relying on other teenagers to get her home.)

To be fair id probably do it if it was once every other month

18 year olds are adults and should be planning all aspects of their own night out, especially getting home. This is part of growing up.

This honestly sounds like the mum’s problem (I have been that Mum and had to have a word with myself).

I’d just say something similar on the group what’s app….’I will make sure there’s an uber once a month but they are adults, I’m not sure we should be managing their nights out now.’’

Still not sure why the mums are responsible for adult women getting home by either driving them or paying for taxis?! As other op have said, the return journey should be part of their budgeting. It’s nonsense for the parents to be running around adult women like this.

edited to ask at what age do you think the other mum will stop picking her daughter up rather than have her get a taxi home? What is the daughter stays living at home until late 20s?!

Sorry but no, I wouldn’t be signing up to this, £15 each for a taxi home needs to be factored in to nights out. Ds and his mates go clubbing to our nearest big cities regularly and no parents are expected to make the journey at 3am. He’s sometimes not home till 7am! I don’t drink and I do say in an emergency he can ring - separated from mates etc but other than that he can make his own way home.

Genuinely, I didn't mean to come across as hostile, and I apologise if I did.
I'm just astonished that parents are getting involved in WhatsApp groups, and arranging pick ups for adult DCs on a rota basis.
It's not Brownies, it's adults going clubbing.

But, clearly, it works for you and your family, which is great!

Be honest. Was your mother waiting for you outside Clatty Pats at 3am? 😂😂

I never went to Clatty patts as I grew up the other end of the country. But si trying to imagine my mum in a whatsapp group With my friends mums arranging pick up times with them for my clubbing adventures when I was 18. And I just can't imagine it. At all.

What will you do when your DDs are living independently at 18?

Yes, given the other Mum’s response about her DH and the lack of response from other one, I suspect it’ll be the two of you doing it.

Once a month isn’t too bad tbh, but 3am would be tough for me. I’d try to make it slightly earlier! My DD(19) is at uni and they take taxis/Ubers as a group. She’s mindful to never go alone or left a friend do so.

A 3am pick up from a town 13 miles away is ridiculous and selfish of the girls to expect it. I would be so tired at 3am that I wouldn't be safe to drive anyway. I wouldn't be able to get to sleep before or after, and so my whole weekend would be lost, for the sake of an 18 year old's clubbing night? No way.

I'd offer to pick up from your more local town at 11.30pm if they want to go out to a local pub. Or I'd expect them to stay in a hotel in the town of the club and I'd collect them in the morning.

Having freedom at 18 is great, but they also have to respect the impact of their social life on their families.

Thanks for replying. I completely understand rural life - I have lived in the Yorkshire Dales for very many years!

I'm curious that you are frequently in a situation where you're picking people up at 3am on a rota basis though?

My daughter is nearly 18 and is out clubbing tonight till 3am. We are collecting her as its so late and its her first time.
I am shattered and would love to be in bed but her safety is our priority.
I will drop several friends home too.

I couldn't do this every weekend but every so often is ok.
Usually its 1 am.
I wouldn't want her in a taxi on her own, so have to suck it up.
Wrecking though, will feel it tomorrow.

I would definitely want to go and collect them, ideally on a rota system

This mum chose to do this. You've also been kind and offered petrol money and then given a dinner voucher. You are utterly exemplary in this.

The girls have been living the life of Riley here, with a mum turning up at whatever hour of the morning. Personally I would have been saying no way girls are you staying out that late and/or if you do then you have to get a taxi.

Nobody should be turning out like that.

They must get a taxi and share the cost 3 ways.

So when you say you were 'incredulous' that she was getting them at 3am or later, does that mean your DD wasn't being brought home to you? Was she staying with the other girl(s)?

The whole scenario seems a bit OTT to me. As someone said, if they're old enough to do that, they can get a taxi.

I know what my DD would say. She'd said omg Mummy no you can't possibly turn out at that time of night, we'll get a taxi.

Actually, she'd probably say I've got too much homework and school, I can't stay out late like that, it takes days to recover. So please could you pick me up at 11.30pm? Or shall I get a taxi as it's a bit late to get you to come out?

These girls aren't kids. They need to be encouraged to take responsibility.

At 18, a lot of young women are travelling around Nepal/Australia/New Zealand/Malaysia.

Genuinely, do you not sleep when your adult DCs are travelling/at Uni/in full time work?

You are definitely not being unreasonable. It's worrying for their safety throwing you on this. It actually might not be safe for you to go at that time of night. You will be tired and I assume you probably work plus people driving under the influence of drink or drugs. I've been through it but not to that degree. The other mum should have sorted this out better and she knows it , think she has tried to put her bad descion on you to get out of it. The three girls safety is of total importance but it's up to them with maybe a bit of help money wise to pre book a taxi and maybe go out less and nearer also come back earlier.Stand your ground. x

I think you are underestimating inflation @CurlyhairedAssassin when you say that £15-£18 in the mid 1990s would be £35-£38 now?

"If you want to compare the value of a £18.00 Income or Wealth , in 1995 there are four choices. In 2023 the relative:
real wage or real wealth value of that income or wealth is £43.71
labour earnings of that income or wealth is £46.44
relative income value of that income or wealth is £48.20
relative output value of that income or wealth is £56.78"

Go for a mid-range, £50 ish, doesn't seem un-doable now?

Why is there such paranoia about taxis not being safe?

i worked as a taxi operator for 20 years and the drivers are DBS checked and were more interested in dropping off and getting the next fare then anything else.
My DP is a taxi driver and occasionally gets propositioned or has even been offered “payment in kind” but he said even if he was single he would never risk losing his badge.
I don’t know any driver who would risk their livelihood and how often do you hear about licensed taxi drivers assaulting women? I’m sure it does happen but if they work for a company the dispatcher can track the vehicle and would be frustrated if they took longer then usual because the driver will likely have another job lined up close to the drop off location.
Also if they book via app on most apps there is a safety function where if you don’t feel safe you can press a button to connect to the office.

I think uber is much safer then it used to be as well, I was stuck in traffic in an Uber alone in London and I got a notification saying “you have been stationary for a few minutes before your journey has been completed, please confirm you are safe”

If the mum doing the pick ups is anxious then I use an app called Hollie Guard when I’m walking or travelling alone. The app sends a notification to people you choose in the contacts and you can put your destination in with a timer. If you feel you aren’t safe you can shake your phone which lets off an alarm and this calls the emergency service and lets your contacts know and shows your location, you have to put a PIN code in to cancel the alert. I believe your phone camera activates too but I’ve never had to use the alert function.
I accidentally triggered the alert last week when I put the journey on timer to walk in the evening to the gym. I got there earlier then the timer estimated and put my phone in my locker and forgot to put the pin in, the staff from the gym had to come and tell me to get my phone because it had alerted DP and the emergency services, I had no phone signal but it used satellite to show my location. DP could see I’d reached the gym safely so called them to let me know I’d created an alarm! I had to speak to someone and give my pin on the phone to prove I was safe and cancel the alert.

I think teenagers now need more independence or they will just grow more anxious when they do finally have to stand on their own two feet. Surely a nightclub is riskier than a taxi home? They don’t have parents accompanying them on the night out.

I went out every week at 18 and frequently to big cities where we would either get a B&B or stay up all night and get the first train home. We regularly went out to the nearest city 20 miles away and shared taxis home and I imagine that was much riskier then nowadays!
I don’t know any teenagers that get picked up from nights out, they all have a designated driver, stay over or get taxis. I’m really surprised at how many people have replied saying YABU by not wanting to go out to pick up an adult at 3am!

🤣 I went out about 4 times a week, I loved it. I'd be up for the 6.15am bus to get me to college in the next city. My parents never picked me up. I always saved taxi money home.

If they're old enough to go out drinking then they are old enough to get themselves home.

They're adults. If they can't figure it out amongst themselves they really don't need to be staying out so late until they mature a bit more. They all have phones and can call if it's an emergency.