To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

I would do it once every 2 months- it's not much at all.

The problems is it's likely to be every month as there are 2 mums that aren't interested in how their dd get home if the lifts from friends mums aren't there.

What do the dd's say about the lifts?
Would they get taxis?

What are you talking about? I used to go 3-4 times a week in the good old days

Also 3am seems early to come home at that age, what has happened to the 6am finish and then the after party? Glad I went clubbing when it was still good, seems a bit tame nowdays!

Yeah. Lightweights!!!

I live in a major city with great nightlife and Uber is heading downhill here. A real decline in the last year with long waits, this stupid "Uber Priority" being brought in to force people to pay more......it will implode soon enough.

The girls need to understand that ‘getting home’ is part of the cost of ‘going out’…. If they can’t afford to do that, then they need to reduce the number of times a month that they go out to a nightclub 13 miles away!
I only had pubs that shut at 11pm in my local town growing up. Going to clubs about 20 miles away was something we did every couple of months as a special treat when we’d saved up money for taxis. I would never have dreamt of expecting any of our parents to pick us up at that time of night (except in an emergency of course).

I’ve only read the OP’s posts and can’t see these answered anywhere:

1. Re the 3rd mum - why does her husband being disabled mean that one of them can’t pick the girls up?
2. If you all - including your husbands / partners - took turns, you’d only have to do it once every 4 months (assuming everyone can drive and has access to a car). Not saying you should do it, but twice a year is more manageable than once a month. That’s the arrangement you should be discussing, imho
3. Any plans for any of the girls to learn to drive? Appreciate one would have to stay sober

I had a friend like this in my clubbing days. Her parents thought it horrendous that I had to queue for a taxi in the middle of the night and with parents who had no regard for my safety. My parents just thought they were absolutely mad. There's no way in hell they'd have driven into town to get me.

The poster who said if you're going out, you factor the cost of getting home into your night out was correct!

Well yeah that's the other option - whenen do the buses start again in the morning?!

Mums don’t need a group chat to arrange their kids getting home when they are 18! To be fair I understand why the driving mum set one up though! When I was 18 the same poor mum always used to pick a group of us up and take us home at 2am, crazy when I look back on it really.

I will ALWAYS pick up my daughters or my son. Safety is SO important. They won’t always ask for your help. If where you live is as boring as it sounds your DD will probably move once she’s able to.

Absolutely this. When I was in my teens this was the norm, only it was every Saturday and my friends parents all took turns. Was never an issue. Pretty standard in NI in the 90s. Was dads though.
i fully expect my husband will be doing for our daughters too.

My dad used to give me an extra £10 that was to be kept for the taxi home - this was 40+ years ago. He also said if I ever lost it or spent it to just get the taxi and bang on the door and he'd come down and pay. I'd go with the taxi idea. Would this woman's daughter be the last to be dropped off? Is this why you think she doesn't like the idea?

I don’t think once a month of picking up your DD and friends is a massive hassle. That means most weekends are free.

I’d do it without a second thought. They will all be off to uni soon, so you will have to do it half a dozen times!

or have an honest convo with the other parent and offer to pay for taxi to pick them up and make it crystal clear that you will insist on paying.

I'm with you, as far as I was concerned that if my DD's were old enough to be out in pubs and clubs in the night, they were old enough to get themselves home, ok we lived in a city and it at worst was a 50 minute walk home from their home from their preferred destination plus they were generally together plus guys too who lived 20 minutes further walk than us but still at 18 it's a no from me. I have since moved and go out in the nearby city, I know I either have to make the 1am bus or wait for the 6am, preferred nightspot kicks out at 4.30am so subway near the bus station is heaving! It's over £60 for a taxi

They need to include the cost of the night out to get home. I was going out from 16 after I left school and was at college and earning. Yeah I know underage but it was different in the 90's. My mum knew I was going out around the pubs. But it was better than hanging around the streets drinking like some did. I did get in trouble for not letting my mum know I was staying out.

They need to take responsibility for themselves though. Even as others suggested they all sleep at 1 of their house's. I used to leave some money in the house. Just in case I didn't have enough at the end of the night. If they can't afford they go less. No reason why they can't go around each others houses and have a drink.

I grew up in a small town with a club 12 miles away, I think it’s pretty rude to expect your parents to be your regular taxi at that age. We used to either take turns driving ourselves or split a taxi. Occasionally a parent might come get us but this was never asked for. If the girls can go clubbing they can get transport home. They are taking the piss for the driving mum and she needs to say no. Safety will always be an issue, who will look after them when they go to uni? Get a pepper spray, rape alarm and a phone tracking app.

You’re not willing to do it once every 2 months? Shocking. You chose to live where you do with few transport options so your DD has to travel far out for a normal nightlife. I have always told him DD that I would pick her up at any time from anywhere…just like my mum did for me. It’s for a few short years and will keep her safe. You’d be the first crying in the papers if she didn’t make it home safely.

Yes and no. The girls' should split a taxi home; the parents should take turns driving.

Hell no would I be going

if they are savvy enough to pre game cheaply and just going the the dancing to dance they can either book hotel room in advance and get buses home the next day or factor in taxis. whats that mum going to do when her DD is off to uni ? make her stay local or text that shes home safe?

Can't they just hang around until the first bus? Surely there's a 24hr McDonald's nearby.

Wtf???never ever did my parents pick us up or pay for our booze! ( my dad once gave me money for a night out once after my bf dumped me 😆but other than that it was up too us!)
old enough to drink old enough to make their own way home. You factor in taxi/bus/train home.
no yanbu. If she has is now sick of doing it fine but she shouldn’t expect you to do it just because she’s been picking them up.

i can just imagine my parents face now asking them to pick me up drunk from the pub at 3am…..😂

It would be easier and probably cheaper to just book a travelodge or something.

I don't think the girls are expecting their parents to pick them up? Unless I've missed something, this has come about because one of the mothers has been picking them up largely because she's concerned about safety and is now asking the parents of the other three girls to do their share of collections - ie once every two months.

I don’t think it’s necessary for anyone to go pick them up, they can book a taxi between the 4 of them, it won’t work out that expensive.