To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

I grew up in London, and wouldn't ever have asked my parents to do this - and would have been MORTIFIED if my Mum and my mates' Mums were chatting about it!
I think if you are old enough to go clubbing, you are old enough to get yourself sorted out afterwards. They don't have to do it so that one's in the cab on her own, some can surely crash on others' sofas. My parents certainly never minded when my mate stayed over with me (although quietly, obviously).
I'd turn out in an emergency at 3am, but not as a plan.

Your DD didn't choose to live in the middle of nowhere.

They don't live in the middle of nowhere. They live in a town, the DDS just like to go clubbing in a bigger town.

I agree with everyone who has said if they're old enough to go clubbing until 3 am, they're old enough to make their own arrangements to get home. Taxi, cheap Travelodge if there is one, or an all night McDonalds if there is one, where they can sit until the first bus or train, or until it's a reasonable time to ask someone to come out and pick them up.

Whatever, it's their responsibility to sort it out, not their mums.

So your mam drank and let you make your way home at 14, to me that is so wrong, you were a child....

Have done for years! Village life. Usually from friends or work, we’re all past clubbing!

Clubbing till 3am twice a month? That's ridiculous in itself.

They need to sort their own taxi home.

I agree.
I enjoyed those trips. It’s amazing how completely relaxed and entertained we can be whilst shovelling them all into the car 🥳.

Clubbing till 3am twice a month? That's ridiculous in itself

I used to go once a week, sometimes twice..

When I was 18 my friends and I would sort this out myself. I would get asked how I was getting home but I wouldn't be offered a lift at 3am! Insane

Great, so the people who's parents weren't bothered about them, had another person decide not to bother with them either.

Not your responsibility but it sucked being that person/kid

How can you sleep knowing she’s not home? Genuine question because I can’t, so may as well do the picking up.

I don’t agree with you. I think it’s normal for good parents to collect their adult daughters in this situation, it’s the sort of thing you do for people you care about regardless of the faff. I’m in my 20s, I think loving parents take a view of “whatever has happened, I am here if you need me”; as opposed to just being uncontactable if their kids feel they are in an unsafe situation, and leaving them to fend for themselves.

I don’t know why some parents here have a hard on for making their daughters learn the hard way.

I personally wouldn’t want my female friends out and about at 3am like this and trying to make their way home (let alone my own children). It totally would be preferable for a family member to drop them home. Especially if they had been drinking since 11am! I remember Libby Squire’s death like it was yesterday. Random attacks on women are more likely in these circumstances.

Ultimately clubbing isn’t that popular any more and it’s likely that once your daughter is in 2nd year of uni, she will go clubbing less and less so it won’t last forever. She might even start driving herself soon and you’ll likely miss the days of just spending time together in the car.

Plus you seemingly live in an area that doesn’t seem to have Uber or public transport at those hours, so it’s not like there’s many alternative options. Not having Uber in particular is surprising considering it’s been in the UK for over a decade, you presumably live somewhere a bit dated/rural.

A rota no, however I have been into town to pick up both my teenagers(when they were teenagers ) and brought them home. I’d hate anyone to be stuck in town and it seems all the girls live near each other.

i also don’t sleep properly until mine are home and dd doesn’t stay anywhere near any friends so I don’t mind picking her up whereas ds has a few friends that live nearby so he gets a taxi .

But this isn't a thread where there is readily available public transport. It's about youngsters living somewhere where that's not the case. When they go to uni I'm sure the girls will pick a city with nightlife that's easy to access without having to worry about getting home, but until then I really don't see the issue with having a bit of a compromise all round - the girls could go out less than they're used to, the other parents (not just mums) could also have a bit of a rota PLUS half of the time they do go out they could get a taxi (perhaps the parents could pay half the cost of each individual girl's share).

I don't know, I just think it's nice to be nice sometimes when you have teenagers that want to start having a social life but who aren't yet at the stage of having lots of cash to do it. Life's fecking expensive these days. I used to go out weekly when I was a uni student - bus to town to pub/bar and then club with drinks all night and then shared taxi home. I used to take a maximum of 20 quid out with me and usually spend 15-18 quid. That was only in the mid 90s, it wasn't the dark ages. That would be the equivalent of £35-38 now, adjusting for inflation. Just where exists that you can get a night out like that for £38 quid these days?!

I have empathy with youngsters in the OP's daughter's situation because I grew up in a village with no transport at night to the nearest city, and not even to the nearest smaller town after a certain time. We had to share taxis but, being young, despite keeping taxi money in our shoes (!) so that we wouldn't spend it on drinks by accident, my sister got separated once on a night out with her friend and her friend was minding the taxi money. This was pre mobile phone, my sister decided to just walk the 4 miles home at 2 in the morning, drunk, in heels, along a quiet bypass with fields either side. She was picked up by a kindly fatherly taxi driver and taken home safely but god, imagine if that had been a predatory male pretending to help.

Life isn't about making kids' lives harder when there are other solutions, just to teach them a life lesson. So I would offer to pick up now and again so they can have a bit of a life. But equally because life is a bitch and everything is ridiculously overpriced, they do also need to understand that once they have their own bills to pay etc when they have their own FT jobs and homes that they will find that they won't be able to afford to go out every week like young people did in the past.

No way would I do this

I don’t know why some parents here have a hard on for making their daughters learn the hard way.

Yes, and some can't seem to understand the difference in the economy between now and back when they were that age. A lot of the attitude just seems.....mean.

hotel in the city they are visiting.
its often cheaper than a taxi and no one is put out.

I wouldn't do it. If they are old enough to go out they are old enough to arrange a taxi home. I'd say to mum it's good of her to do it but you're happy for them to get a taxi anytime she doesn't want to.

Three 18 year olds can get a taxi. If the other mum isnt happy with this then that is her perogative. At 18 you can move out, travel the world, join the army, getting a taxi is the best option here.

Not my circus, not my monkeys. I did it for years but I got fed up.

Yes, it probably did. That girl does not have a close relationship with her parents and rarely tells them anything about her life, whereas all mine do.

If you're willing to pay for your dd's taxi each week, agreeing to pay for a taxi only on the week that is your "turn" will work out the same financially

We used to go every weekend from age 15, in London. I had moved out at 18 and calmed down on the clubbing by then but was still out in bars until that time.

Yes but she's saved your daughter a lot of money in taxis, so she should've made the contribution.

My dad used to collect me.after Match of the Day bless him, but 3am is utterly ridiculous.

I would be more inclined to look after the kids with crap parents. It's not your responsibility but it's not their fault, and you're out anyway. I wouldn't want a girl getting in a car with a drunk driver or a dodgy taxi driver just to prove a point.

I'm the Mum who does the lifts in my DD's friend group, but she's still 17, so no clubbing yet. I don't drink (12 years sober), so missing out on wine doesn't bother me (DH would hate to miss his weekend beers though!) so I'm happy to be on hand for late night lifts for DD and her close friends, within reason.

Despite the fact I'm happy to do it most of the time, I would definitely appreciate another family offering to do the odd pick up, but I think your offer of paying for a taxi for the group is ideal; particularly given you have a pre-existing relationship with the taxi company. YANBU.