To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

The other mother has anxiety and it’s unfair to put that on other people.

JockTamsonsBairns

Clatty Pats! Those were the days 😂😂😂

Absolutely!
When I was 18+, and going to the pub until 2/3am with mates, I’d always have to make sure I had a lift, money for a taxi, or I drove myself there and back. (I have always been teetotal, so I quite often ended up being the designated driver.)

They may legally be adults but they are still in school.
There is a difference between turning 18 and being an independent adult.

Personally, it would be better if they could find other ways to be together and have fun than clubbing. Cinema, go for a meal, etc.

Thankfully my adult DD was never ever into clubbing at 18. Maybe did a bit at uni but it's not her thing.

3am is ridiculous. My parents (we lived in the countryside) did some heroic pickups at midnight when I was a teen and I'd do the same, but 3am is something else, especially that frequently. If a pre-booked taxi with a firm you trust is too dangerous then this woman is going to expire when her daughter goes to uni.

Ultimately she took this upon herself completely voluntarily and is now behaving as though it's a necessity, on a par with getting to school. There is a solution, the taxi, but even if there weren't, so what - they'll survive. It's not as though they'd have no social life. Don't validate this mum's martyrdom.

Why would the parents need to pay and organise the adult daughters taxis?
Just give them the number and they can sort it out themselves, presumably they're managing transport there and generally functioning in other ways fine.

I will always get out of bed to pick up my girls from a night out. They know they can phone me any time and I'll come. Takes about 30 mins. The chat is generally very entertaining 😆

I think the three that have benefited from the fourth mums free pick ups should pay for the fourth girls taxis home or do the pick ups for a while to offset the cost etc to her mum.

the fourth girls mum gets a rest from the pick ups as she’s done them since October.That’s approx 8 pickups.

Time for everyone else to take over.

Three mums x 8 pickups is 24 pickups between you. Whether you chose to pay or pick up yourselves is your choice.

Fourth mums done her bit.

It's a total pain, but I agree with driver mum that it should be shared on a rota. No one wants to do it. I loathed the nights when I had to stay up and pick up tipsy teens, but expense of taxies, distance between various houses etc made lifts the best solution all round. I didn't enjoy it.

What on earth has happened to young people? 18 year olds having their mums arrange lifts back from the club! Absolutely mind-boggling.

And there's another thread where an OP wants to go an check into a hotel nearby where her drunk daughter is out partying. I wonder if the mental health crisis in youngsters is actually an anxiety epidemic in their parents.

I don’t go out into town drinking twice a month as I live rurally and part of the reason I don’t is the cost of the taxi! I’m 39, but even at 18, you’re an adult and should factor this in.

In the country here too. Done many a pick up and here anyway all the clubs shut at 3am.

Personally I'd pick them up, I would rather know for my peace of mind they're all back safe.

If they are old enough to go clubbing and have enough money to get drunk then they are old enough to pay for a taxi home. That's what we used to do. Or we would walk back to one friend's house and stay there.

Although that girl is 21! So a really bizarre set up….

Well one of the mother's has a disabled husband and the other one didn't answer so that's 2

I'm quite torn on this. My first reaction was: "if they're old enough to go out clubbing, they're old enough to sort their own transport home, as I did at their age".

Then thinking about it, from my perspective as a mother of girls, and how bloody soft it's made me, I would do it. BUT I think twice per month in second year of A levels is too much, and I wouldn't be happy about the amount of alcohol consumption, but I'm quite concerned about liver damage generally.

So, I would suggest that they go out once per month. The mum does it one month, you do it the next month, your DH does it the 3rd month, and rotate it like that. Then if the girls go out more than once per month then they can pay for their own taxi home.

I do think they are being pandered to here, when I think back to how independent I was at that age, but my mum head would also worry about the risks, and I know I wouldn't sleep until they're safely home. I'm a night owl so going to collect at 3am would be ok for me to do and I don't drink alcohol either, so don't care about not being able to drink.

If there are four sets of parents, and the girls only go twice a month to the club, then that would mean a rota pick up only every two months. Booking a cab to collect you from a club isn't always reliable. I'd be happy to do it, to know my daughter was getting home safe.

What to do @bringmetolife is assure the Mum in question that neither you nor your daughter expect her to provide transport home, thus she can feel comfortable making individual arrangements (ie collecting just her daughter). I'd imagine the other parents will also be content with that.

My parents done similar for me, my DS isn’t quite that age yet but I will do it for him 🤷‍♀️ it wouldn’t bother me at all

I do feel sorry for the Mum who has been doing the pick ups, but she chose to do this.
I also feel for the OP, who has at least tried to find a solution.
Nothing is going to work without causing resentment if the other 2 sets of parents don’t step up in some way though.
I don’t know whether one of the Mothers having a disabled husband genuinely prevents her from collecting, but if so she/ her DD might still be able to contribute towards a taxi.
As it stands it looks like any rota would just be OP ( possibly taking turns with her DH) and the Mum currently giving lifts.
I appreciate that this would only be one turn every month, but that works out at nearly 1 in 4 Saturdays.
I would probably be happy to pay for a taxi, and if that really wasn’t possible to drive, but only for one trip in every four.

I live in commuter land. It's 45 minutes into London from the station 10 minutes walk from my house. Hardly Outer Mongolia, but there's no Uber here

If it ends up as once a month or so I would do it. The thing is, you were happy for this other mum to do it all these times so you kind of owe her now. And I don’t think I’d be able to sleep til DD was home anyway (she’s nearly 17 so I think my time is coming!)

The way I would see it is it’s not for long, they’ll be off to uni/moving out soon enough. I (at the age of 45!) stayed over at an old school friends’s house recently when I went back to my home town. Her dad gladly picked us up from the pub and was wistfully telling stories of the nights when he’d have 4 teenagers in the car to drop us all home after a night out, all of us chattering and being silly.

A rota? They're 18 year olds out clubbing, not 10 year olds going to a sports club. If they don't have enough money to go clubbing twice a week and afford a taxi home together then they shouldn't be going out to the further out city (or go less frequently).

I do think you either need to contribute, or on days when you’re supposed to collect, you book and prepay a taxi for them. Then the mum doesn’t have to do it and the kids still get home

Me too. But when they turned 18, I put in a proviso - that I wouldn't collect friends of theirs whose parents never ever reciprocated, or even offered. I took the view that I wasn't going to be more concerned About how the child got home than their actual parents were. Reliable local taxi firms were always availab le and as PPs hace said, could be budgeted for.