To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

I always got a taxi

The exception was in an emergency I could ring but it was drilled into me emergency only
Like there was a shooting at the nightclub I was at and I rang my dad at 2am. He skidded into the carpark like he was part of fast and furious!

Mine moved on to the city stay out all night and get morning train back model after exams.
Personally I was happier they started out at localish small club/parent lift and built up to big city.
I know they are 18 but when they are still at school in uniform they are still young and finding their way. I only did it a handful of times it’s such a short time between turning 18 and leaving home for uni, mine wasn’t 18 until half way through the school year.

DH and I still joke with our friends at the end of a night out (well dinner and drinks) ‘anyone for a dance at Clatty Pats?’. A good few of us met there.

Regarding pick ups @bringmetolife, you are being perfectly reasonable!

Well I'm in South Devon and no ubers here. I think I'm closer than outer mongolia.

They sound like lovely sensible girls.

I’m known for being a bit more on the anxious side for safety etc, however with your suggestion I don’t think I’d have an issue. I’d probably still prefer they were heading back a bit earlier but that’s just me!

Ultimately, as others have said, this mum won’t be able to carry on doing this from sept / oct when they’re at uni so she does need to make some peace with it. Especially as that will be with people her DD hasn’t known long/her mum doesn’t know! Although I do think there’s quite a ‘growing up’ difference in the 9/10 months between now and uni. I think that’s when I see more change to the young adult mentality.

I think you are having trouble with your maths. They go twice a month so it would be every two months.

This mum is over-parenting and whilst your daughter is benefiting from it, it’s not her problem. We used to take turns being the designated driver when I was 18.

YABU. Taxis are not always safe. Your DD didn't choose to live in the middle of nowhere.

It's not like it’s every week. I don’t think it would hurt to take it in turns with the other mum.

Yes @JockTamsonsBairns it did work out for me and that is why I would do it for DD or DSS. So in answer to the question being asked, if it were me I would join a rota, I would participate in this discussion, I would drive out at three am and collect DD.
I completely understand all aspects of OPs post and the question posed, and so my answer is yes I do think it's ok to do this and I do think I would myself do it.
I also understand that you wouldn't and that your experience is that has worked out for you.
I really don't understand why you're picking apart my answer to this question? Are you doing that to everyone who said that this is something they would do?

Looking back my parents (always Dad, never Mum) did this for me and so did my friend’s parents. It wasn’t every week though. We are about 11 miles out from our nearest city and all live semi rurally. Taxis were expensive and it was the safety aspect that worried our parents. We all lived in big houses in the country, if we ever did get a cab taxi drivers hated coming out this far, saw big drives and rural houses and often ramped up the cost at the end (this would have been late 90s). My 50 year old husband went out last weekend in the city and he just couldn’t get a taxi, they often don’t like doing long journeys at that time of the morning. Easier to do little jobs in and around the city.

Would I do it now? Probably yes, but I’d say ‘I’ll do one weekend in six and the cut off point is 2am).

It’s unfair the other mother chose to do something and now OP has to do something??

Op is not responsible for the other mothers choices

I don’t understand why this is a thing. They want to go clubbing twice a month they share a taxi. They must all have allowance from their parents, why can’t they pay for it out of that?

It wouldn’t even cross my mind to get up at 3am to pick my kids up.

Nor would it ever have crossed my mind to have my mum pick me up from the Wag/Cafe de Paris/Astoria back in the day. She certainly wouldn’t have offered!

We used to go to random parties in the woods, and my dad picked us up as there were no taxis. But that was like once every six months. Once every two weeks is nuts.

I think they need to share the cost of a taxi between them if they want to go. Maybe they will have to go less often but no mum should be going at 3am. When they go to Uni they will probably be able to walk to night clubs so they can look forward to that. I would tell the other Mum you want neither of you to have to pick them up and suggest the shared taxi costs.

Not read full thread but is there a reason its all in the mums? What about some of the dads taking a turn too so your once every 2 months might be once every 4 months?

DD is 18 but we live in London so there are a lot more transport/nightlife options.

She isn't interested in clubbing but she does go to parties etc and my view is that if she is old enough to do that, she is also old enough to organise and consider getting home safely. Usually she books a taxi and has a friend to stay or stays at a friend's house so nobody needs to be in a taxi alone. I think this is completely normal for an 18 year old. YANBU not to want to pick people up at 3am.

YANBU.
Classic gen z entitlement. You don't have to do it.
Hell would have frozen over before my parents would have done this for me and my friends.

Old enough to go out clubbing, old enough to work out the way home for themselves.

You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone or need an excuse - it’s a lot to be lumbered with and can appreciate why the weekends are so needed.
If we’d not lived 4 years of hell I’m sure my outlook would have been very different.

They book a taxi in advance and share the cost.

Drink less and pay for a taxi?

We had a midnight curfew with our kids. And it was never every week.

In fact when they were still at school they rarely went out at night at weekends. If they did it was to each other's houses or a local pub or for a meal.
DD especially never went clubbing.

When I was that age, my parents and my friends parents took turns to collect us due to lack of public transport and hideous cost of taxis (£80 back in 2002). 1 friends parents always refused. It definitely caused tension.

They split a taxi, really not hard especially as you know the drivers. Although if they are school run, do they do stupid o clock taxis as well?

I wouldn't have dreamt of asking or expecting anyone to stay up until 3am and pick me up when I was 18! I worked from when I was 16, had a part time job at school/uni and paid for all my own nights out/transport.

They are adults and should be figuring out how to get home themselves!

YANBU. I think they should sort a taxi if they want to club until 3 am. My DDs did although that was 20 years ago. What do the girls say to the taxi suggestion or is it the anxious mum or the non driving ones who do not want to cover the cost?