To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

I think it's mad that the girls are expecting a lift at 3am. They're 18!!! Do they have jobs? Do they drive? At that age they need to figure things out for themselves. My mum used to occasionally pick me up from town after a night out, at 1am - 15 min drive from home. But most of the time I booked a taxi (split with friends and paid for by my part time job) or we took it in turns to drive home. I don't think you're helping your daughter with this carry on OP. Those girls need to learn to organise themselves, budget for their night out, pay for their own taxi or drive. They're adults but still seem to behaving like children, and mollycoddled by their friends mum.

So you've offered a solution and she doesn't like it. There's no need to pander to other people's anxiety problems, it makes them think they're being rational.
I wouldn't be happy about my A level student keeping those hours every week though, special occasions only. Uni students keep different hours but sixth formers need to be in school early. Mine aren't that old yet so whether I'd do anything about that remains to be seen.

you’ve presented a solution that sounds sensible and safe without anyone having to get up at stupid o’clock. If she wants to mollycoddle her drunk adult DD she can go for her life.

I’m hoping the novelty will wear off, they were chomping at the bit once they turned eighteen. Separate issue but I started going out at sixteen and gradually built up to it, as did all my friends. Not saying that the strict need for ID is a bad thing but it has changed the dynamic

Ok, so that worked out fine for you and your dad. He was happy to regularly pick you up in the middle of the night, and you were happy for him to do so. All good!

The OP is describing a situation whereby the mums are being asked to enter into a pick-up rota, to collect young adult women from a nightclub at 3am.
As I've said, this isn't a pick-up from Brownies at 7.30pm, where it makes perfect sense for parents to do lift shares.

From my own experience as a teen/young adult, I cannot compute that our mums would be parked up outside a nightclub at 3am.
Nor can I compute that my own adult DCs would need me to be sat outside a nightclub, waiting to transport them home.

Emergencies, yes. No questions asked, I'll be there.

I’d probably be the driving 🚗 Mum 🤣 so better swerve this one. Mainly as wouldn’t forgive myself if anything happened. Taxi didn’t show. They lost each other etc.
You’re not being unreasonable but can see 😇 Mum’s point too…

Couple of questions:
is the other mums issue safety or cost? Or both?
What does both your DD and the DD of the other mum say? I think that’s relevant. Is her daughter a bit of a ‘princess’ (sorry) who expects to not use taxis or is overly anxious herself?

My DS has just turned 18 and started uni. Luckily he really isn’t a drinker and so never bothered about clubs when he was at home (plus a summer baby so struggled with ID!). However at uni they do to clubbing and get taxis / Ubers.

my DD is almost 16 and I highly suspect will be much more on the party side! And realistically I would be more concerned about the girls, I wish it wasn’t that way.
In your situation I would be happy to do it up to 1am ish and I do think that’s reasonable. You can still get back and get a decent sleep as opposed to 3am.

However, with the taxi service, DBS checked etc then I would go with that. However I would probably wait up and not drink, just in case something happened and they needed me. I wouldn’t be as keen on them just getting an uber because they can be unreliable as well depending on area.

is 3am non negotiable?

Old enough to go clubbing = old enough to find their way home. Why do they need to go 13 miles away? It's their choice where to go. No way should you have to be going out at that time of night. Fair enough if it was 11/12, but 3? No way.

Your solution is fine, OP. She helicopter parenting. How will she cope throughout her daughter's uni years?!

Hopefully they will be busy with exams soon enough. I think they are too young to be clubbing until 3am twice per month. Also, things can happen within the clubs too.

Yeah, you should all do it. If the dads got involved as well then surely it's only one pickup every four months for each parent?

I respect that you don’t want to do it, but I would do it once every 4-6 weeks. That’s probably because my mum never gave us lifts anywhere for fear of losing a parking space (seriously) and other mums did and I always wished she would have taken a turn even once or twice. And this is stuff like cinema, not even clubbing? Equally I’d happily bung my daughter her share of the cash for your suggested option. Other mum is probably more annoyed at the ones who haven’t even said no, although I also feel she’s a bit martyrish.

It's up to the group to find a solution, as others have said.

If the other mum does it, it's her choice. She can't then expect you all to do the same. She could of course just pick her own child up and it's very kind of her to pick the others up too but the other parents haven't asked her to.

I'd reply and say ill be speaking to my daughter about how she gets home, thank you again for the lifts given up to now but the girls need to find another solution.

My dad was always happy to come and get me from anywhere, anytime but we used to get home from Manchester city centre to a cheshire suburb without much planning and frequently missed last busses home, taxis were like gold dust. It never occurred to us at 17/18 to not fend for ourselves and although we weren't careless about safety, we didn't rely on our parents and lifts.

If I stayed up until 3am I wouldn't be safe to drive, frankly.

If they’re old enough to go clubbing, they’re old enough to get themselves home. That being said, I know 100% that my husband would go and pick our daughter and her friends up every single time if she wanted him to. I, on the other hand, like my sleep. I think she’s missing the point that obviously SHE believes there’s a need to pick them up (which I know my husband would feel too), and that’s fine - but it’s not an actual need so she can’t share/project that onto others or try to guilt you into doing something unnecessary. If she believes a pick up is needed, she needs to provide it. Because it’s not actually needed.

I think her issue is safety. She said in her message that we know about the risks to. Young girls and something else she said implied that taxis are part of that. I don’t disagree, which is why I suggested the taxis that took DS to school - but her reply saying that she would do tonight tells me it’s safety

Her DD is lovely. Not a princess, they were all
here earlier, very polite, always wash up their glasses before they go out 😂They are all lovely girls and when I’ve said to her before that her mum deserves a medal she says her mum doesn’t mind as she doesn’t sleep until she’s home anyway, I really don’t think she would have any issue getting a taxi and I know my DD wouldn’t

YANBU. If they're old enough to be out in clubs (with the risks that come with that) then they're old enough to get a taxi - weird that the other mum is fine with the clubbing itself but seems off about the taxis?! I'd just reply "Honestly, don't put yourself out - I'll recommend [X taxis] to [your daughter's name] they're very good. Save yourself the late night drive!". She can choose to martyr herself after that if she wants but it's on her - nobody I've ever known (including current 18/19 year olds) would expect or want their mum picking them up anyway!

Sorry if they can’t organise or pay for their own route home then they just don’t go clubbing. It really is as simple as that.

Clubs are not cheap to get into, nor are drinks so they need to be allocating some of their party budget to organising a sensible way of getting home and planning ahead. Plenty of other young people manage it.

Being unreasonable I’m afraid. We have a rota for picking my mum and dad up and they always pick us up!

YANBU... i'm all for 'emergency taxi calls' but a regular planned thing, every week! the girls are taking the piss!

well done for saying no

No, and much safer than a taxi. I'd much rather rely on my driving than a taxi driver's!

I wasn't a clubber and it was only open until 1am but the couple of times I did go, one of my parents picked me up.

Im torn tbh. Sadly 18 year old girls are at risk including from taxi drivers and it’s not helicopter parenting to recognise and do something about it.

I cannot imagine on what planet I'd like my mother to pick me up from a nightclub 😂

I used to be kissing boys at 2am and looking for an after party. What the actual fuck is going on with young people these days 😳😱🤣

I'm teetotal. Still never did it.