Re the housework?

[TiredDino]

DH and I both work full time. This hasn’t always been the case, we have children (ranging from preschool age to primary age) and when they were smaller I worked part time - I’ve been back to full time for about a year.

When I was part time I did the large majority of the housework/childcare, which was fine as I was working less.

We both work in quite intense (remote luckily) roles that occasionally require working into the evening etc.

DH is stuck in the old dynamic of I should pick up the housework, childcare etc.

Im the default school run parent - if I want or need him to do it I need to ask in advance and block out his diary. I do the after school clubs (thankfully not many - just swimming and one other once a week for one DC). He doesn’t know where the uniforms are so I have to get them ready for him on the rare day I have to travel to a meeting.

I do the cleaning, the food shop, the washing etc etc. Book the kids dentist, check the school app, order school dinners. You name it, I do it. He does the ‘outdoor’ jobs. Only he doesn’t. The bin will be literally overflowing before he takes it out. The grass long and weedy before he decides to cut it etc.

Even bedtimes - we both had a little work to finish after bedtime yesterday, and we said ok let’s get the kids in bed - and he instead went to his office and shut himself in there for 30 mins to work and leaving me to deal with bedtime with overtired kids, all the while knowing I had my own work but that I couldn’t start that until the kids were sorted. He got really cross when I pointed this out to him. Imagine if we both just decided to ignore the kids and finish work instead?!

I am struggling and overwhelmed. He suggested getting a cleaner - I had a lovely lady round for a quote and she quoted £80 a week! Which honestly whilst would do all the jobs that get missed like the blinds and skirting etc, the kids mess up the house (we also have a dog) so quickly that it doesn’t actually help with keeping on top of the house day to day.

I just don’t see why I should pay £300+ a month out of my own pocket because he refuses to help? If we both mucked in just 15 mins a day it would be so much easier.

I don’t know what my AIBU is, because I don’t think I am. For complete context - he pays a higher % of the bills than me as the higher earner in the house but I also pay for a lot so proportionately it’s about right.

Why would the cleaner be out of your pocket? Why can’t he take on that bill himself, as he’s the one not doing anything. He can take it from his own fun money.

Yes, he should do more. But also don’t shoot yourself in the foot on principle.

And ‘put it in his diary’ now that X drop-offs or pick-ups are a recurring weekly appointment for him. Do the same with bedtime - you do X per week, he does X per week.

EDIT: And sort this out immediately: He doesn’t know where the uniforms are so I have to get them ready for him on the rare day I have to travel to a meeting.
Show him once, tell him you won’t do it again.

Try the cleaner for six months.
You will get into a routine of picking up for the cleaner.
Insist that you all pick up certain sections/rooms of the house, not just you.
It might be that after the trial you end up sharing the cleaning with your husband, or it might be that you both pay for the cleaner to continue.

YANBU. I was pt for years and years and only went back to ft a few years ago (dc are now mid and late teens). As soon as I went back to ft, dh took on half the domestic load.

What a disgusting man.... expecting a 1950s housewife who also works full time.

That sounds horrendous.

A proper sit down chat is required. Get him to verbalise why he thinks you should do it all! Let him hear how ridiculous he is being.

But you must stop doing it all. Talk about it and make a plan. If he needs to be infantalised and have it all written down then do that to start with.

How unattractive.

Sit him down and say this isn't working.

We both work full time, there's a house to run, housework needs splitting equally and school runs need to be shared. This is a serious deal-breaker for me. I'm not going to bounce you into finding the solution this minute but can we discuss this properly this week please?

As for paying the cleaner - this suggests you have unfair family finances too?

Sounds like you're in a shit situation, first step is give him a chance to be a decent partner.

@Chamomileteaplease ive tried this and it just gets heated ‘I paid for you for years, you’ve had holidays out of me, I pay the mortgage’

etc - no respect to what I pay for or my contribution

im honestly getting to a point where I think id find it easier without him. He traveled for work a few times last year and I found those times easier as the lack of resentment toward him was such a relief.

Well hopefully you leave him to do his own cooking and laundry?
Ask him seriously what he sees his relationship with the dc like as they get older.. Because I strongly believe the one who does the most Donkey Work reaps the rewards....
He is. A male chauvanist pig imo.

expecting a 1950s housewife who also works full time
This explains the problem perfectly.

You need to sit down and demand he takes half the load.

• He does every morning school run or every pick up. Every single week. Picks one and sticks to it. You do the other. Review after 3m. If he does the morning drop offs, he needs to make sure they are all dressed and ready with what they need every morning. If he does all the pick ups then he takes care of uniform into wash / letters signed etc.

• He cooks a family meal every Tuesday and Thursday evening, you do Monday and Wednesday. He needs to have added what he needs to shared supermarket delivery basket by the Friday night for a Monday delivery. Fridays can be take away or frozen pizzas

• He either cleans the kitchen (deep clean weekly and a daily wipe down and sort) or he has the living room and bathrooms (deep clean weekly, daily tidy and wipe down). Again, review after 3m.

• you both agree no logging back on for work until all the kids are in bed and above chores are done

• he needs to wash, dry and put away a minimum of two full loads a week.

If he cannot do the above, and more importantly, cannot (or will not) understand how royally he is taking the piss out of you, then I would genuinely think about whether this is worth it. He either does his share because he is a decent individual, does it because he doesn't want to take the piss out of the woman he loves, or he doesn't do it - because he is a selfish twat.

So tell him it is a deal-breaker.

Don’t get a clearer as it will just absolve him of further responsibility and not readdress the balance.

you just need to make it clear to him that he’s not picking up his share. He needs to commit to equal days of school run. Who ever does the school run then the other does the dinner. Etc.

I feel like I just have an extra child and him being here just makes me more stressed? I can’t even explain it. When he’s not here I pick it all up no problem. When he is I find it so much harder because why should I pick it up when he’s sat watching TV or whatever?

'I paid for you for years, you’ve had holidays out of me, I pay the mortgage’

Missed this as I was typing.

Fuck that.

I'd be done.

He's a lazy selfish misogynist.

Either what you did was easy, in which case it's no problem for him to do some of it, or what you did was hard, which which case you were working equal to him

Sounds like it’s always been an unequal household. How do you divide money? During the time you were part time did you have equal spending money for fun?

He obviously has zero respect for you.

This isn’t going to change. I’ve worked 4 days a week for 3 years, before than I was a SAHM for 2 years. My husband still pays the vast majority of bills due to our earning difference. He ALSO does half of school runs and cleaning. The fact he earns more is irrelevant as we both work just as hard. I do school runs and a few loads of laundry on my day off, other than that, it’s equal.

Your husband is a ‘me’ man. It must be very draining for you.

In your position I would sit down together and ask if he wants you to drop down your working hours (and reduce the bills you pay) or if he’s going to start pulling his weight. But ultimately you shouldn’t have to drop your hours or even have this conversation. He should care about you enough to want to pull his own weight.

Ah, he's one of 'those' men.

This won't change. And I'm afraid he's likely to turn nasty when you leave him.

I'd be getting all my ducks in a row and planning an exit.

@JimHalpertsWife thats exactly how I feel tbh. I can’t even be bothered to talk to him about it at this point. I’m earning ok money now so if I just get by for a few months financially I should be okay.

All because of some housework / parenting 😐

DH is stuck in the old dynamic of I should pick up the housework, childcare etc.

I'd categorise this as 'worth a try' on his part and would think the less of him for seeing it in the way. What conversations were had before you went back to being full time.

I can't imagine said 'yeah, no problem as long as you continue to do all the housework and parenting. And yet, here you are.

What a pathetic excuse for a human he seems to be. What does he say now when you point out this gross inequality.

Having read your update about his throwing up to you all he has paid for - I'd genuinely be fine. Let him complain about being tried to the cleaners. Get your DC and yourself out of that toxic environment. And fast.

You need to train him. Also, sadly it’s the issue with wfh. You’re there. Can you start going into an office one day a week so you’re gone before the kids are dressed and back for just right before dinner is served to give him some autonomy?

Very relevant article re the 'last straw' in a relationship

https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

@FinallyHere he genuinely doesn’t seem to see the inequality. Take the bedtime example, when we both agreed to start bedtime then he disappeared leaving me with overtired kids and our preschooler having a full on strop about bed. When I said to him about it he just said ‘what are you talking about? The stuff that comes out of your mouth I don’t even know what you’re talking about, just shut up’

him telling me to shut up is another issue altogether to be honest he says it a lot (tried to hide in jest) when I talk about inequality or finances or anything really - I’ve literally said to him if he tells me to shut up one more time we are done it drives me mad!

Plus also start training the kids. Do they put their washing away and know where their uniform is? I was much stricter with training my youngest than my oldest and by 5 he is much more self sufficient than his 8 year old sister.

start little…. We had ‘sock pairing Tuesdays’ for months and turned it into a game. No tv til it’s done! Then added putting them in the correct place in their cupboards, then added pants and vests. Now they do the whole load. Get your DH involved and doing his. Don’t do it for him