Re the housework?

[TiredDino]

DH and I both work full time. This hasn’t always been the case, we have children (ranging from preschool age to primary age) and when they were smaller I worked part time - I’ve been back to full time for about a year.

When I was part time I did the large majority of the housework/childcare, which was fine as I was working less.

We both work in quite intense (remote luckily) roles that occasionally require working into the evening etc.

DH is stuck in the old dynamic of I should pick up the housework, childcare etc.

Im the default school run parent - if I want or need him to do it I need to ask in advance and block out his diary. I do the after school clubs (thankfully not many - just swimming and one other once a week for one DC). He doesn’t know where the uniforms are so I have to get them ready for him on the rare day I have to travel to a meeting.

I do the cleaning, the food shop, the washing etc etc. Book the kids dentist, check the school app, order school dinners. You name it, I do it. He does the ‘outdoor’ jobs. Only he doesn’t. The bin will be literally overflowing before he takes it out. The grass long and weedy before he decides to cut it etc.

Even bedtimes - we both had a little work to finish after bedtime yesterday, and we said ok let’s get the kids in bed - and he instead went to his office and shut himself in there for 30 mins to work and leaving me to deal with bedtime with overtired kids, all the while knowing I had my own work but that I couldn’t start that until the kids were sorted. He got really cross when I pointed this out to him. Imagine if we both just decided to ignore the kids and finish work instead?!

I am struggling and overwhelmed. He suggested getting a cleaner - I had a lovely lady round for a quote and she quoted £80 a week! Which honestly whilst would do all the jobs that get missed like the blinds and skirting etc, the kids mess up the house (we also have a dog) so quickly that it doesn’t actually help with keeping on top of the house day to day.

I just don’t see why I should pay £300+ a month out of my own pocket because he refuses to help? If we both mucked in just 15 mins a day it would be so much easier.

I don’t know what my AIBU is, because I don’t think I am. For complete context - he pays a higher % of the bills than me as the higher earner in the house but I also pay for a lot so proportionately it’s about right.

I paid for you for years, you’ve had holidays out of me, I pay the mortgage

If you wanted to point this out to him, that that's not a deal anyone would ever accept (a couple of holidays in return for doing all the housework forever), you could. But. There's no point. This is the beginning of the end.

I stopped doing ex's washing, his car insurance, sorting out his dentist, and in his eyes that just meant that I wasn't fulfilling my part of his imagined contract, so that's when he started travelling more for work (and taking drugs, sleeping around with all and sundry) until I called a halt to it.

I wish I'd done it sooner. I wish I hadn't had the delusional thought that we could have a civilised co-parenting relationship and just cut off and gone grey rock sooner - because it's so liberating. My kids are great, I'm making sure that they do pull their weight eg. cooking dinner, bringing their washing down/putting it away, putting the occasional load on, hoovering, wiping down - and not just if I ask, I'm working on them noticing it needs to be done and just doing it (they're tweens, so it's just the right age for this).

Sure, I still have to do all of the work, but actually losing a grown adult's washing is pretty significant, and not walking around resenting him the whole time - and it turns out that running the lawnmower round every couple of weeks in summer is actually quite pleasant (I stick an audio book on, and walk up and down in the sun - whole different ballgame to hoovering1)

@TiredDino from this point on then there is no point in getting into arguments. Either you attend couples counselling to try and work this out or you make the decision to end it. Repeating the same argument is not helping and ultimately drains you.

If he won’t go to counselling and conversation turns to argument then you have two options. Either write down what the problem is (factual but include name calling) and state that what the outcome will be if nothing changes. This gives him a reality check and an opportunity to rectify the situation. Alternatively you stop engaging with him other than what is strictly necessary and make plans to end the marriage.

How old are the kids OP?

You have choices - either you allocate certain jobs to him as others have said and DO NOT get involved in those jobs to let him learn

Or

You separate.

Choice 1 means you need to go to the office a couple of days a week/find a hobby a couple nights a week etc to force his hand.

Choice 2 - what support do you have around you? Family, friends? Can you afford to buy in your area if finances mean the family home must be sold? Can the DC share rooms and you have eg the box room in a smaller house?

I'd tell him this.

Sounds like it's getting close to being a deal-breaker for you?

Fucking hell. That would be my deal breaker! He “paid for you for years”?

No he didn’t, he had the benefit of you being at home looking after his children. I didn’t realise there were men still around that such a skewed idea of the partnership of marriage.+

You can’t argue with stupid and he’s brought new meaning to the word.

Exactly what @LoveSandbanks said.

@TiredDino thats sounds super excessive for a cleaner, I’m sure you should be able to find someone more reasonable? If you have access to his diary, why don’t you block every day for him to do the school drop offs/ pick ups?

He earns more than you because you had a career break to look after his children. So yes he does have to pay more and continue to pay more because you don't get that pay gap back.

As far as I can see, the only use for the ball and chain is that they drown when you throw them back.

If he knew you'd posted here, he'd be telling you that MN is filling your head with silly ideas

You're married. It's legally all shared money, what's this nonsense of his money and your money?

Wow.
I'd ask him to leave while for 3 months while you process. A judge usually rules you stay in the house until education ends for children.

See how you feel in 3 months and he may suddenly clear up the thoughtless arse.

Absolutely.
It isn’t surprising you feel better when he isn’t there. He’s lazy, entitled, undervalues you, has sexist views and is frankly horrible.

My DH and I have always shared the housework and the childcare.

Even now we're retired, he does all the hoovering, and mopping the floors. Daily. I do the bathroom and dusting.

We share the cooking and washing up.

He does all the gardening and I do all the washing.

He goes and gets the shopping which I've ordered online, and we put it away together.

I wouldn't stay with a man who expected me to do everything in the house.

We worked hard when we were younger, and shared the care of the children, too.

He has contempt for you, and you can't come back from that, I'm sorry
You're more relaxed when he's away which shows you how life can be without this nasty man, as will your DC
They will sense how he belittles you and disrespect you.
He has a typical 1950's mindset but in 2025 you are also working.
I would resent him too.
I would( and did) start divorce proceedings.
If you post in relationships, the kind posters who have been through the process will guide you through.
Right now, the reality is just dawning on you.
I promise you, both you and DC will thrive without him.

All this 1950 set up isn’t necessarily true either. Pretty sure my dad never spoke to my mum like that.

Normally I’d suggest talking to him, or suggesting counselling but it doesn’t sound like he’d listen/ attend.
He’s decided all parenting and house admin is down to you from some bizarre arrogant idea in his head and as if you should be grateful. Do you see him ever seeing your point of view, or caring enough to change? If you do then that’s great. but if not, then go.
Don’t wait hoping for change that won’t happen because one day you will blink and you will be even more resentful than you are now and be angry that you stayed and wasted your life one someone who behaves appallingly to you
Life is too short to spend it with someone so incredibly selfish.
As they say, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

You deserve better OP

Absolutely. What a prick.

I do think it's important to separate the cleaning from the tidying. I have never expected the cleaner to tidy. And the DC had to tidy their stuff before bed, at tidy up time. It was ingrained from when they were babies. "we've had a lovely time with the lego/painting/puzzle/dollies, now we are going to put the toys away ". Watch mummy, turned into help mummy, and then you do it.

Get a cheaper cleaner, and get food shop delivered

You would find it easier without him. If he thinks he "paid" for you for years whilst you were looking after his children he has no respect only contempt for you and once contempt has set in there's probably no going back without counselling which doesn't sound like he'd be up for or engage in.

Why don't you split the cost? I've never understood separate bank accounts to be honest. But it does seem like he has unreasonable expectations. has he always been hard work? Is it worth it? Do you love him?

Can you go to the office

id start going in and working late and coming home after bedtime a few nights a week

Yes, agree with this.
All my DC had to tidy their toys before they had their bath and bed.
Non-negotiable.

You don't need a cleaner, you need a new husband. I can't believe the amount of women who put up with this shit and I'm a housewife!

Best of luck OP, you can do it. Don't waste any more precious energy trying to make him see.