Re the housework?

[TiredDino]

DH and I both work full time. This hasn’t always been the case, we have children (ranging from preschool age to primary age) and when they were smaller I worked part time - I’ve been back to full time for about a year.

When I was part time I did the large majority of the housework/childcare, which was fine as I was working less.

We both work in quite intense (remote luckily) roles that occasionally require working into the evening etc.

DH is stuck in the old dynamic of I should pick up the housework, childcare etc.

Im the default school run parent - if I want or need him to do it I need to ask in advance and block out his diary. I do the after school clubs (thankfully not many - just swimming and one other once a week for one DC). He doesn’t know where the uniforms are so I have to get them ready for him on the rare day I have to travel to a meeting.

I do the cleaning, the food shop, the washing etc etc. Book the kids dentist, check the school app, order school dinners. You name it, I do it. He does the ‘outdoor’ jobs. Only he doesn’t. The bin will be literally overflowing before he takes it out. The grass long and weedy before he decides to cut it etc.

Even bedtimes - we both had a little work to finish after bedtime yesterday, and we said ok let’s get the kids in bed - and he instead went to his office and shut himself in there for 30 mins to work and leaving me to deal with bedtime with overtired kids, all the while knowing I had my own work but that I couldn’t start that until the kids were sorted. He got really cross when I pointed this out to him. Imagine if we both just decided to ignore the kids and finish work instead?!

I am struggling and overwhelmed. He suggested getting a cleaner - I had a lovely lady round for a quote and she quoted £80 a week! Which honestly whilst would do all the jobs that get missed like the blinds and skirting etc, the kids mess up the house (we also have a dog) so quickly that it doesn’t actually help with keeping on top of the house day to day.

I just don’t see why I should pay £300+ a month out of my own pocket because he refuses to help? If we both mucked in just 15 mins a day it would be so much easier.

I don’t know what my AIBU is, because I don’t think I am. For complete context - he pays a higher % of the bills than me as the higher earner in the house but I also pay for a lot so proportionately it’s about right.

It's a mind set. He is one of many whose mind set is that these are your responsibilities, mainly because he simply doesn't want to do these jobs. I lived with someone like this for over 20 years. There is nothing you can do but leave him. Alternative you pay for help but you can guarantee he will comain ir refuse to pay for it. As you rightly point out it is the day to day workload that cant be alleviated unless you had a housekeeper which most of us cannot afford. Or you stop doing some of it but there will be nasty rows.

No, he's pretending that he doesn't see the inequality. The current set up suits him just fine. You are bringing more money into the household but you are doing exactly the same amount of wife-work and childcare as you did when you were working part time.

I would stop doing any of his washing, or cook any of his meals. He suggested getting a cleaner. Would he pay for it?

He sounds pretty horrible. As you have said, if you split up, you would still need to do everything but you would feel less resentful as he wouldn't be there, doing nothing to help and rubbing it in your face.

Urgh he sounds like a selfish pig.
I honestly would sit him down and tell him you want things to improve or split up.
If he lived alone he'd be finding the time to clean and cook, he would also be looking after the DC alone if he wants to see them, and you'd get a break!

Wrong thread

I had one like this. Mine had affairs too! Due to circumstances I stuck it out until DC were grown but it was hard.
I just got philosophical about it. Treated him like an extra child who I needed to stay with because of housing and the ‘child care’ while I worked nights.
Put yourself first. He is. He doesn’t even like you. Build your escape fund. Don’t let anything affect your job prospects. Look after the children but withdraw from him and tell him why.
Sorry you ended up with one of these men. There are a lot of them about. If you never work you never find out!

Most people would love a maid who not only pays half the bills but takes care of everything else. He's completely got it made and he knows it which is why he gets defensive.

You need to decide how to approach this because if you go for an ultimatum, you need to be prepared to follow through.

Obviously the best way forward is to sit down and have a discussion. Explain that you're exhausted and you're not longer prepared to take care of everything.

Divide out the chores and take things in turn such as taking time off for the children. Download a calendar you can both access.

If he loves and respects you and wants to keep his family together, he'll step up. If he doesn't, then you have a decision to make.

It may be ultimatum time. His behaviour is disrespectful and setting an awful example to your children.

My DH is rather lazy about housework but will do it when ordered without complaint. And he does most of the schlepping DC about again without complaint.

I put it to him straight years ago: do your share of cleaning or pay for a cleaner? Pay for a cleaner he replied instantly! And he has never queried the cost.

£80 is a lot though unless your house is enormous or very grubby/cluttered and I'm in an expensive bit of the country. Get more quotes. I mean your DH should, but won't.

He is silly not to do schlepping, bedtimes, clubs etc. That's when you build relationships with DC. He won't have one by the time they're teens.

We have done couples' counselling a few times and it's been helpful. Your DH also sounds resentful and maybe it would help to get that out in the open.

I am assuming he wanted DC?

"Doesn't know where the uniform is." 😂

I mean true it's not about the cleaner! But OP might as well find out the going rate.