Re the housework?

[TiredDino]

DH and I both work full time. This hasn’t always been the case, we have children (ranging from preschool age to primary age) and when they were smaller I worked part time - I’ve been back to full time for about a year.

When I was part time I did the large majority of the housework/childcare, which was fine as I was working less.

We both work in quite intense (remote luckily) roles that occasionally require working into the evening etc.

DH is stuck in the old dynamic of I should pick up the housework, childcare etc.

Im the default school run parent - if I want or need him to do it I need to ask in advance and block out his diary. I do the after school clubs (thankfully not many - just swimming and one other once a week for one DC). He doesn’t know where the uniforms are so I have to get them ready for him on the rare day I have to travel to a meeting.

I do the cleaning, the food shop, the washing etc etc. Book the kids dentist, check the school app, order school dinners. You name it, I do it. He does the ‘outdoor’ jobs. Only he doesn’t. The bin will be literally overflowing before he takes it out. The grass long and weedy before he decides to cut it etc.

Even bedtimes - we both had a little work to finish after bedtime yesterday, and we said ok let’s get the kids in bed - and he instead went to his office and shut himself in there for 30 mins to work and leaving me to deal with bedtime with overtired kids, all the while knowing I had my own work but that I couldn’t start that until the kids were sorted. He got really cross when I pointed this out to him. Imagine if we both just decided to ignore the kids and finish work instead?!

I am struggling and overwhelmed. He suggested getting a cleaner - I had a lovely lady round for a quote and she quoted £80 a week! Which honestly whilst would do all the jobs that get missed like the blinds and skirting etc, the kids mess up the house (we also have a dog) so quickly that it doesn’t actually help with keeping on top of the house day to day.

I just don’t see why I should pay £300+ a month out of my own pocket because he refuses to help? If we both mucked in just 15 mins a day it would be so much easier.

I don’t know what my AIBU is, because I don’t think I am. For complete context - he pays a higher % of the bills than me as the higher earner in the house but I also pay for a lot so proportionately it’s about right.

No, he did not ‘pay for you’, you provided what would otherwise be paid for childcare.

Sorry, OP, but I really don’t understand how marriages come back from things like this. Unless he did a complete 180 and apologised, I’d lose respect and attraction for him and that would be the end. It’s a vile, misogynistic attitude and I couldn’t be in a partnership with someone who thought so little of me.

he genuinely doesn’t seem to see the inequality.

And yet, and yet, the way he sees it massively benefits him. If it were massively to his detriment, I might believe it was a genuine misunderstanding.

As it is, fully explained by selfishness.

Sorry it's come to this for you.

I was in the same situation and I left my useless disrespectful husband. It was emotionally hard at first for me and the kids but 2 years down the line we are much happier and more relaxed on our own. Have a think about how you want your future for you and the kids because I won't lie it felt scary and cold when I made the decision to end it. But it was the best decision I have ever made .

Oh yes the ‘just shut up’. I take my other comments back. You just need to leave him for that

He has no respect for you or your contribution to family life. He's a lazy arsehole. You need to get your duck in a row. You don't want your kids thinking this is how they should be treated or should treat people.

Reading all your posts OP it does sound like you're done. And understandably so. The lack of respect is what's ended it. It's evident in how he treats you and how he speaks to you. This on him, not you. So get your ducks in a row and then look forward to the peace of not having to pick up and run around after him, the peace of not being told to shut up if you make a valid point. The peace of your own self-respect

Oh, do not be mistaken he sees it - and he's gaslighting you trying to conveniently you that you're perceptions, thoughts, feelings, opinions and words are all nonsensical and rubbish. He's communicating that you're 'wrong' on all levels.

He's vile. Truly

Tell him this. It might sink in. At least you will k ow.

No, absolutely do not let him talk to you like this.
Remain calm, cool, don't get baited into throwing insults.....look him in the eye and ask him to explain why he's talking to you in such an abusive and dismissive misogynistic way. Ask him if he thinks it's acceptable to talk to his wife like that for expecting him to parent his own children.
Do you get into a cycle of arguing like this often? Do you both tell each other to shut up? I'd wouldn't stand for that; that alone would be enough to make me leave.

This “I’ve paid for you for years” stuff is nonsense. If you hadn’t been working part time I’m sure you would have had childcare expenses during that time.

A few things:

The cleaner’s quote is very high, shop around. I pay €50 per week and mine does 3hrs a week.

At a minimum, stop washing his clothes.

Food shop deliveries. Stop buying anything for him in these.

All money is family money and should go into the joint account. Remind him how assets would be divided if you were to divorce him.

Consider finding a hobby that takes you out of the house one evening a week so he has to do bedtime.

He sounds awful OP, sounds like you’re at the end of your thether.

@coralsky i never tell him to shut up even if we had a really heated argument. He jumps to insults and belittling, I tend to try and stick to facts. I am not perfect of course and anyone in the heat of the moment might raise their voice etc but more the actual content of what is being said I try not to make it personal, and don’t recall a time I ever really have.

When I said to him about it he just said ‘what are you talking about? The stuff that comes out of your mouth I don’t even know what you’re talking about, just shut up’
him telling me to shut up is another issue altogether to be honest he says it a lot (tried to hide in jest) when I talk about inequality or finances or anything really - I’ve literally said to him if he tells me to shut up one more time we are done it drives me mad!

Jesus, OP. That’s different to ‘not getting used to you working full time’. And changes the response I first gave you.

Fuck the cleaner. You’re right.

He’s a disrespectful shit and you should leave him the first chance you get. Start planning.

My husband earns much more than me, but he has never, ever used that against me. That would be crappy, not least because he recognises that some of his life circumstances, gender all the rest of it has helped him where it has hindered me. Anyway, forget the cleaning for now, or at least buy some robot cleaners. The bigger issue is the school run, we've always shared 50/50 even when I was part time, there aren't really any excuses. It's a massive commitment and drain on time. Then I guess it's work life balance, are you both competing to do the most hours or encouraging each other to go log off when you've done them. We're high earners but honestly work won't love you back.

Your husband doesn’t respect you and I’d be rethinking the relationship. Telling you to shut-up is beyond rude.

I think you need to change tact a little too, when he disappears into a room before kids bedtime, follow him in and say come on, time to do bedtime routine and leave the kids with him. Don’t do any laundry for him or tidy his mess. Don’t cook his preferences. When doing food shop, don’t buy things only he eats. Show him once where uniform is kept and then just don’t leave the uniforms out next time. When he mentions he paid for you for years, tell him he owes you for childcare.

But honestly, he sounds like a person who will never change and yes, you’d be happier without him. I’d be making plans to end the relationship.

He won't change. I had one of these. He thought 'doing the housework' meant five minutes of casually flicking a duster around, and 'organising the kids' diaries' meant booking a playdate with a friend once a month. He had no idea what was involved and when he made it clear he had no interest in finding out - he had to go.

I find a lot of men in these situations have absolutely no idea how much work it takes to run a household. They don't see it being done, so it isn't done. The housework fairies are real.

Oof, I don't think I could get past that op. If this is genuinely what he thinks then I think your marriage is past saving

His version of doing the housework is loading the dishwasher once or twice a week, maybe a quick surface wipe once a week and occasionally picking up the dog poo in the garden.

He doesn’t even put his washing away. I put it in a pile in our room for him to put away and the pile just gets bigger and messier.

Check out Fair Play by Eve Rodsky? She has a card game where you take a card for each of the (mostly invisible) household tasks you are taking responsibility for.

It makes the unfairness visible. And it presents the information in a way that is subtly challenging to men who like to win games, and hold more cards.

It sounds dreadful. He does nothing so he needs to fund the cleaner.

I did everything in the home and for the DC. DH did the admin and paid all the bills. He earnt significantly more than me and was out of the house for 14 hours compared to my 9 so it was fair.

At the very beginning, I had a cleaner as a single woman. I don't clean. He doesn't clean. He never had a problem paying for it even when I was a SAHM. He is unspeakably tidy so I have never had to pick up after him but that does bring its own tensions - not insurmountable ones.

He does the outdoor sweeping, bins and paintwork. He never needs prompting. He cannot cook and does not shop.

Our set up wouldn't suit many but it works because he's a decent chap and had never resented spending money on us for holidays, etc., or funding the things that would be unreachable if it weren't for him.

Your DH sounds like a resentful pig. However, one thing Inwoukd add is that there was a period of about 18 months when dh spent more time in NY than at home. It was an incredibly easy 18 months with one less to look after and cook for. A rather hedonistic period of tea time picnics in the sitting room, ignored crumbs and being in bed by 9.30 because I didn't stay up to chat to him over his dinner when he got home, often after 9.

All because of some housework / parenting 😐

It's a bit more than that. He's being very unreasonable and disrespectful to you in expecting you to work full time AND do everything else on top. Life for you would be easier and doubtless more pleasant without him in it.

You’re all saying what I knew deep down already.

I don’t even know where to begin with sorting stuff out to leave. Need to have a think.

Dont even want to be around him this weekend.

He genuinely makes me think I’m being unreasonable and he’s a great, generous partner and it’s wild that I can’t see it.

You've hit the nail on the head. He's a male chauvinist pig. I have one of those. He will happily sit there and watch me run myself ragged while he's relaxing.

BUT who do the children want to tell about their day? Who do they come to if there's a problem? Who do they want to hang out with? The person that's ALWAYS been there for them, without fail. Me!

My son is a young teen and barely wants anything to do with his Dad because his Dad isn't willing to put the grunt work in.

I warned my husband years ago that he is in danger of having a poor relationship with his children but he scoffed at that.

Now that they are heading towards adulthood they choose to have little to do with him, which is sad for them but I know why it's happened. They've never been able to depend on him, except to pay the bills (which children don't value). What they value is how much you engage with them, spend time with them and listen to them.

We were talking about their memories of when they were younger yesterday and my children didn't mention a single thing to do with their Dad, it was all about what clubs they did and activities they did alone with me.

He complains to them about taking them to their clubs, he doesn't cook for them, he doesn't clean, he has only recently become involved in suggesting/buying birthday and Christmas gifts. He spares them about 3 hours a week of his time, even when he's on annual leave.

You don't need to do the blinds and skirting boards every week. Couldn't the cleaner do more useful things?

Do you want your children to think it’s ok for a husband to insult, belittle and take advantage of his wife? Would you want any of them to be in a relationship like this?

Seriously, it’s time to plan your exit.

C U Next Tuesday husband.