Re the housework?

[TiredDino]

DH and I both work full time. This hasn’t always been the case, we have children (ranging from preschool age to primary age) and when they were smaller I worked part time - I’ve been back to full time for about a year.

When I was part time I did the large majority of the housework/childcare, which was fine as I was working less.

We both work in quite intense (remote luckily) roles that occasionally require working into the evening etc.

DH is stuck in the old dynamic of I should pick up the housework, childcare etc.

Im the default school run parent - if I want or need him to do it I need to ask in advance and block out his diary. I do the after school clubs (thankfully not many - just swimming and one other once a week for one DC). He doesn’t know where the uniforms are so I have to get them ready for him on the rare day I have to travel to a meeting.

I do the cleaning, the food shop, the washing etc etc. Book the kids dentist, check the school app, order school dinners. You name it, I do it. He does the ‘outdoor’ jobs. Only he doesn’t. The bin will be literally overflowing before he takes it out. The grass long and weedy before he decides to cut it etc.

Even bedtimes - we both had a little work to finish after bedtime yesterday, and we said ok let’s get the kids in bed - and he instead went to his office and shut himself in there for 30 mins to work and leaving me to deal with bedtime with overtired kids, all the while knowing I had my own work but that I couldn’t start that until the kids were sorted. He got really cross when I pointed this out to him. Imagine if we both just decided to ignore the kids and finish work instead?!

I am struggling and overwhelmed. He suggested getting a cleaner - I had a lovely lady round for a quote and she quoted £80 a week! Which honestly whilst would do all the jobs that get missed like the blinds and skirting etc, the kids mess up the house (we also have a dog) so quickly that it doesn’t actually help with keeping on top of the house day to day.

I just don’t see why I should pay £300+ a month out of my own pocket because he refuses to help? If we both mucked in just 15 mins a day it would be so much easier.

I don’t know what my AIBU is, because I don’t think I am. For complete context - he pays a higher % of the bills than me as the higher earner in the house but I also pay for a lot so proportionately it’s about right.

@TiredDino so your updates show it’s not about some housework and parenting (which are massive )
it’s that he is abusive . Gaslights you wheh you pull him up about stuff . He’s manipulative dis respectful .

Stuff that for a game of soldiers.
He isn’t going to change. .Do you know why as it worked for him
in the past and you both never noticed an issue now he has to step up he has no intention and is projecting onto you. .

I think you going to have to end this.
When you said if he tells you to shut up once more or it’s over , did you mean it. ?
You know he will do it again so this is when you set your boundaries for co parenting once he’s gone .

@Gwenhwyfar the kids are so messy I don’t know what she could do that wouldn’t need redoing the next day anyway

That's exactly what my husband is like.

I'm lucky if he loads the dishwasher once a week and puts the bins out but he'll moan about how untidy the house is.

He just sees any of the children's mess or belongings as anything to do with him. If he sees their mess then, in his mind, it's my mess/belongings.

It's not really about the cleaner

I was in a s similar situation when I went back to work after being a SAHM. The things that I found helped is to have:

a joint email account and use this for all school & clubs activities. He gets the same information as you. You could also put his phone number as the first contact for schools.

a wall calendar to write down dates and pick ups etc if it’s on the calendar, he’s got no excuse to say that he didn’t know about it…

and to push back hard. Easily said than done! Write down a list of everything that you do, and divide and conquer.

I stopped doing his washing in protest but actually after a while it’s become the norm that he does his own and I do mine and the kids and it works perfectly well.

Do you think he will care?

He thinks his monetary contribution is all that matters

@ChickChickBoom exactly the same. Whinges about the house - does nothing to tidy it

I suggest you get this moved to Relationships

Someone on there will advise you of all the steps you need to take (without letting him know what you're planning)

It's too late for a wake-up call. You can't make people care when they don't

Yeah I know.

Disgusting is just about right.

My husband out earns me by miles. He’s always contributed to housework. Even when I wasn’t working and was looking after the kids full time. And all money is “ours”. If he started trying to say he paid for my holidays I’d be furious. We’re a team.

Sorry op I was married to one of these. You will never have the same value he attributes to himself. You are his subordinate. He's dismissive and belittling and frankly I'd be making plans to separate.

Just read your updates, you would be okay financially.

Get rid of this pig from your life, I can guarantee the relief, both from physical and mental point of view, will be immense.

Marry to make your life better.
If not, what's the actual point of a ball and chain?

OP you quietly work behind the scenes use your energy for that and not stressing about him anymore .
Who owns the house ? Would it be sold ? Who would stay there if not ?
Do an online calculator for Uiniversal credit see what you would have financially .
Do you know how much he earns and what he would be due in child maintenance .
Then get the rest of your ducks in a row .copy of pensions etc the list of MN stuff .
Take you and kids passports to a family member, trusted person once you have got your head around what you are doing and sorted the financials and feel strong enough then you can tell him it’s over .

Be ready for mind games and threats of suicide. .
Classic manipulation and or nastiness will be used.

Write a list of all the things you do for the children and around the home.

Then write a list of the things he does and plonk it down in front of him and say that you will not carry on carrying the weight of it all and either he does his share/half or you will seriously consider the fact that you would be better off without him.

Another vote for trying Fair Play or This is How Your Marriage Ends by Matthew Fray.

Lay it out, either he steps up or the marriage is over and then he can look after the kids on his own on his days. Sounds like he will be a shit co-parent though, so sadly, I fear separation will just create a different set of similar problems because in his minds kids and the house are women's work.

My husband used to be similar, we separated for a number of reasons. Kids refused to visit him, but a period of time on his own looking after a house helped him realise how much I was doing. He came home a changed man and pulls his weight now. Including at the moment doing everything after I had surgery. So, in some cases, improvements are possible. I am not convinced in your case, because of the verbal abuse and other red flags in your posts.

I realised a long time ago that he won't change and neither will yours. It's deep rooted misogyny. Whatever you say or do (even if you want more money than him) he would twist it so that you're still the dogsbody.

I stopped cooking and washing for him a long time ago. I sort me and the kids.

I thought long and hard about leaving and almost did but I ended up staying for reasons I can't disclose here. I've accepted my lot but have things to work around it.

Fucking hell. That would be my deal breaker! He “paid for you for years”?

No he didn’t, he had the benefit of you being at home looking after his children. I didn’t realise there were men still around that such a skewed idea of the partnership of marriage.

You can’t argue with stupid and he’s brought new meaning to the word.

Another argument. Feel defeated.

I'm sorry OP, I thought from your original post that he was just a bit too used to the old comfortable ways and just needed a bit of a wake up call. However, your updates tell a different story... I do think you'll be significantly happier without him.

That's the sim of the game, lovely. And it is a game. A selfish, gaslighting, abusive game so the can stay king of the castle.

I've spent most of my adult life with men like this.

He's an entitled, rude, misogynistic pig. You're not his personal skivvy. Why so many men seem to convince themselves that having kids mean they should have less work to do than a single man, I don't know, the utter stupidity of it is staggering. Does he really add anything positive to your life?

heated ‘I paid for you for years, you’ve had holidays out of me, I pay the mortgage
this and telling you to shut up, there's no return from this behaviour. He doesn't even seem to like you never mind respect you.

You're a single parent who also is looking after a grown man 🤷‍♀️

LTB.

OP: what are you getting from this relationship? Seriously?