Am i cold and unsympathetic because I don't tend to verbally comfort my baby when I change his nappy?

[Joelm1066]

I'm a new parent to beautiful little newborn boy who I love very much. However, he cries a lot when he's changed and my general approach is, 'let's get it over with as soon as possible so he can feel better again'. I also have the same approach to getting him dressed and undressed. Consequently, I don't really verbally reassure him during the change; i just focus on getting it done quickly. I do comfort him in other ways like kissing or stroking his head, and I would obviously verbally reassure him if he hurt himself or was extremely distressed for some other reason.

When I'm changing him my partner often points out that I don't verbally comfort him and thinks that it is cold and unsympathetic of me. She also often gets a bit distressed herself by our baby boy crying without being comforted.

Is this unusual behaviour on my part or do other people take this approach?

I definitely think reassuring them is normal, and it doesn't make it take any longer either.

Just chatting away is good for comfort and connecting. Just explain what you're doing.m to him. And why. It just build vocab and he will love the sound of your friendly voice.

It's not hard

I also think reassurance is normal.

Talking to your baby just generally is very important for their development.
I don't think of label your lack of verbal reassurance as cold and unsympathetic. But why waste this perfect opportunity to interact with your child?

Of course you interact with them when they are upset when being changed.

Usually just a soothing voice whilst you are doing it. Do you mean you are completely silent when changing him if he gets upset? If so, I would find that strange.

As PP said, it's really important for their development to talk to babies. I can understand why your partner gets upset because she's hard wired to react and want to comfort the baby.

I don't really understand why you think talking to your baby would hold things up but stroking their head doesn't?

Assuming you're using your hands not your mouth to do the nappy change, isn't verbal reassurance much easier than stroking?

It's always better to go slowly and chat to them, I think. I just used to tell my baby what I was going to do next, and also how cute she was 🥰

Tabu. Your baby will understand more speech than you realise and will find a soft voice comforting. They need to hear a lot of speech and it's important to chat to them.

My daughter was the same when she had a bath, actually. My husband gave her her first bath and rushed through it because she was so upset. The next night I did her bath and took it much more slowly and chatted to her all the way through. He saw that she was a lot more settled and after that both of us worked on the basis that calm, gentle and talking to her was better than trying to rush it. The baby doesn't know you're trying to get it done quickly, they just feel generally confused and frightened because everything is new and uncomfortable.

I don't think this makes you cold. I just think it's worth making the process more comforting rather than faster if that makes sense. It doesn't mean he won't cry but he will definitely feel safer.

Apparently one of the biggest differences in parenting babies between men and women is that women tend to keep up a “running commentary” with their babies, while men focus more on getting in with the job. Talk to your little son - he will respond to the sound of your voice and be reassured. Imagine if, say, you went to hospital and things were done to you without a word being said - you wouldn’t like it. And nor does your son, even though he’s only a baby. Also remember this: one of the reasons that children do better in school is to do with the amount of language to which they’ve been exposed - so make sure you talk to your baby!!

Aside from comforting, chatting about and narrating what you're doing is a good idea from a language development point of view even at this early age. It's a good habit to get into as the benefits on speech later are significant (even the poor dog gets it now in this house, but he hasnt started to talk yet)

"Cold wipe!"
"Pop your arms in"
"Socks on your toes"

Etc.

Congratulations too 🩵

My 7 year old still shouts "Little leggie number TWO" when she puts her trousers on. I've been counting the little leggies in and out of trousers and leggings since she was two days old 😆

Just get used to narrating. It helps language development and it stops you being so lonely when you're at home all day on mat leave. You can also chat current affairs "well I can see what you think of trump and I agree, he is a stinky pants"

I don’t think you’re necessarily being cold or unsympathetic, but talking to babies is really important for their development anyway so it wouldn’t hurt to develop the habit.

Talk, talk, talk to your baby - all the time. The running commentary is important.

Are you not capable of doing two things at once? Changing your child and providing reassurance? I always have my dc a running commentary on what I was doing. Whether that was talking or singing.

just chat, be reassuring, it is all good for your baby to hear you

Your partner needs to be supportive not pick holes in your parenting. But as you asked it's a good time to chat and connect with your child and help them with language development. Also if someone was wiping my bum I'd appreciate it if I was treated like a human not a chore even though I'd know I was a chore.

I’m a midwife and I talk to all the babies throughout their time in my care

I would say imagine you have a carer to help you. One just gets everything over with as quickly as possible and doesn’t speak . One chats to you while helping you out. Which would you prefer?

Hi there. Lots of people here assuming you don’t talk/narrate the rest of the time, which may be completely incorrect. Yes, do talk lots to your baby, and yes I’d suggest slowing down rather than speeding up. But - the stroking is also comforting and perhaps like me you just can’t talk while concentrating. I can’t talk while driving either!
Suggestion: yes to slowing down rather than getting it over with, and I found I could sing or hum while I changed baby (as that seemed to require less thinking!) even though I couldn’t talk. Can also try putting music on or one of those little light-show lamps that project stars on the ceiling etc.

Yes, that is very strange. It isn’t a doll you’re changing, it’s a human being.

And the more you talk to and narrate your life to your baby the better their language skills will be. Don’t ignore them because you don’t think they know what you’re saying.

I think it’s the ‘let’s get it over with’ attitude that probably contributes to distress. I can remember talking and singing the whole time - and not treating nappy changes as unpleasant or something I expected to be distressing for any of my dc.

I think you can do both, quickly change the nappy and chat to the baby. My little one doesn't like her nappy being changed but is a lot calmer if we chat or sing while changing.