Am i cold and unsympathetic because I don't tend to verbally comfort my baby when I change his nappy?

[Joelm1066]

I'm a new parent to beautiful little newborn boy who I love very much. However, he cries a lot when he's changed and my general approach is, 'let's get it over with as soon as possible so he can feel better again'. I also have the same approach to getting him dressed and undressed. Consequently, I don't really verbally reassure him during the change; i just focus on getting it done quickly. I do comfort him in other ways like kissing or stroking his head, and I would obviously verbally reassure him if he hurt himself or was extremely distressed for some other reason.

When I'm changing him my partner often points out that I don't verbally comfort him and thinks that it is cold and unsympathetic of me. She also often gets a bit distressed herself by our baby boy crying without being comforted.

Is this unusual behaviour on my part or do other people take this approach?

Mate, I chat to my semi feral cat gang the while time I'm feeding them, changing their bedding on their sofa, clearing out their litter trays and in general doing anything with them.

Talk to your boy.

Look up Ed Tronick’s still face experiment to see the impact of non-communication on a baby’s nervous system.

Verbal and non verbal communication is absolutely critical to help baby regulate his emotions: at nappy change time, and at all other times.

I love this!

It is unusual especially for women/mothers.
I also dont think its "good" per se as i am all about the easy life.

I am quite a "get it done efficiently" person and do reassuring chat, narrating or singing stroking etc. I also stop and hold / calm baby for 5-10secs if baby is v distressed.

The reasons i do this it actually makes life much easier.
Your baby is newborn presumably so cant move really. A 8/10/13m is a different proposition!
the squirming is beyond what i thought possible pining them down and getting on with it is longer, harder and more stressful than singing "round and round the garden "

You are inadvertently reinforcing to "ignore babies comfort cues" to yourself which IMO is problematic when the child is older. I am in NO WAY a mother earth ( contact naps are a no, my bed is a no, whining to get what you want is a no etc) but your child will be much easier as they grow if their needs are met promptly.

Suppose your toddler doesnt like bath so you just "get it over with" the reality is they are going to develop a fear of the bath and its going to become a nightly battleground vs fun play time. I speak from experience. My friends dh did bathtime during 2nd pregnancy due to her being exhausted / sick and took your approach zero chat - get it done quickly. To say she was fucked off was an understatment. it was a total shit show as her dd was hysterical at the mention of water or bath and it took months to reverse it.

How strange that it's not your natural reaction to comfort a crying baby. Not a good sign.

"I would obviously verbally reassure him if he was extremely distressed for some reason".

If your yardstick for offering reassurance to a child is only when they're extremely distressed then I fear for this child that they're growing up with a "boys don't cry" and "men don't do emotions" parent. Your partner's upset that they're crying without being comforted also rings alarm bells. Why on earth aren't you comforting your upset child? This just isn't normal.

You need to be speaking aloud to them as much as possible, every opportunity. Their brain is being wired each day; you should be avid about developing their verbal skills.

Rightly or wrongly OP I did the same. I would just disassociate and get the job done.
Looking back on it I think I had PND, and was struggling with flashbacks from my own toxic childhood

It's absolutely vital that your baby hears your voice and sees your face animated when you change them.

Another poster has referred to a research video that shows what happens to a baby when a parent manages a care situation without verbal or positive facial communication. It's actually very upsetting.

So yes, you absolutely do need to talk and reassure in a situation where your child is distressed. Look at your chjld, smile and just take about what you're doing. Listen to your wife for an example of what to say. For me out was simple stuff "won't be long .. Bottom up... Wiping time... Nearly there...Let's fasten you in.... All done!"

Yes. You are.

Imagine your in hospital, injured, a bit confused and not sure what is happening a D the nurse just walked up, started something without telling you, you asked him what was going on, and they just ignored you and carried on.

Would YOU appreciate them saying "I'm just changing your dressing, it won't take long, but it's dirty and you need a new one. It's Ok, it won't hurt it take long".

So talk to your damn baby. Poor thing.

It's really instinctive to chat away to your baby when you change them, at least to most people. I think if my partner had done it without speaking I'd have found it a bit disquieting. Do talk to your baby a lot?

That is cold.

For goodness sakes talk to your son while doing these things!

My son is grown now, but when I'm washing my dog's feet, and undercarriage after a walk, I talk to her

''One foot, TWO, three....nearly done. no need to skip about, yes I know it tickles...and FOUR! ..there we go, all finished! Would you like dinner now?''

Babies loved to be talked to ''Goodness me! What a stinker! don't wee now...OOF..you PEED! &c &c''

Talking with your baby will help increase his vocabulary, too..they love it!

I would say I was like you. I couldn't understand the stream of consciousness babble that my nct mum friends came out with all the time. Also I'd be with you focusing on getting the job done.
Turns out I was autistic. Speaking that much totally alien to me. I would definitely read around this in adults and see what you think.

A running commentary is great for learning language and although your baby may be very young now starting out this way means you will probably continue. Also the tone of your voice can help calm them if you too are calm and talking them through it. Narrate what you are doing. They will get used to the words and start to realise that this sound means this action. That is how babies learn.

Just chatter away to him. Or just as pp said run through the motions of saying what you're doing as you do it. It'll make your own life easier too as when you say 'lift legs' or sit up. At the point they can do it themselves, they obviously will.

That's cute!

I was definitely on the "get it done" end of the scale when it came to nappy changes while they were upset - but I always talked and sang them through it while I did it. That's the most effective form of comfort in that situation, because your hands are busy but your voice isn't.

I think I would have found it quite upsetting to watch DH change them while they cried without any chitchat to comfort them. He would have felt the same too I think. If your partner is the one who gave birth then she will be flooded with hormones and will feel that baby crying with every fibre of her being at this stage.

Just do a bit of chat or sing a little song while you do the change.

I do the running commentary thing e.g. "nearly there", "worst is over with, you're being patient", "when we are finished let's go down stairs to see what daddy and the cats are doing". But it's probably easy for me as we had cats before we had children so we are used to talking to things that don't directly reply!

I think your partner could have discussed it with you in a less accusing way

Oh yes I do, I always just figured it felt way more natural to give them a running commentary on what was going on, it would feel way more awkward to me to be doing things in silence! With the nappy thing, mine used to really kick off as well so he'd get a lot of; "right sweetheart let's get this done nice and quickly, no I know you don't like it no one likes their nappy being changed, quick wipe, nearly done, one more leg, one more socky"... 😂 I pretty much did this the whole time I was with him about whatever was going on, he's 14 months old now and it's still the same!

This is great!

It probably causes your partner desperate physical pain when your baby cries. I remember feeling exasperated at my partner when get went to get a glass of water on his way to pick up our newborn once. If the baby is very new her hirmones will be raging and so she'll have a semi irrational desperate need for you to try to move the earth when the baby cries. It'll pass but it takes some mothers longer than others.

I'm exactly the same with my equally feral dog 😂

I used to try and sound cheerful - "Happy Nappy Time!" "Ooh, let's get you nice and clean!" Didn't always work of course!

I think it's normal to talk to your baby when you're changing them.

I sang to him, chatted to him about anything and everything and told him what I was doing to him whether he was crying or not, same with getting dressed. So a lot of 'time to get this nappy off...let's give your bum a wipe - bit cold...ready? Brr. There we go. All clean'.

If you're in hospital they tell you what they're doing before they start so it's not a shock, babies are no different to my mind. And things like baths, nappy or pants changes (as they get older) are a lot easier if they've been seen from an early age as fun - something to look forward to rather than avoided.

I don't think it's necessary to be all 'ooh, you poor little thing' but I do think it's good to chat away.

If you chat to your baby generally when they are in your care, I don’t think a quick, quiet nappy change is going to matter whatsoever.

As a mum of twins, there’s A LOT you can’t do with your babies that parents of singletons can. Most twins are just fine.