Am i cold and unsympathetic because I don't tend to verbally comfort my baby when I change his nappy?

[Joelm1066]

I'm a new parent to beautiful little newborn boy who I love very much. However, he cries a lot when he's changed and my general approach is, 'let's get it over with as soon as possible so he can feel better again'. I also have the same approach to getting him dressed and undressed. Consequently, I don't really verbally reassure him during the change; i just focus on getting it done quickly. I do comfort him in other ways like kissing or stroking his head, and I would obviously verbally reassure him if he hurt himself or was extremely distressed for some other reason.

When I'm changing him my partner often points out that I don't verbally comfort him and thinks that it is cold and unsympathetic of me. She also often gets a bit distressed herself by our baby boy crying without being comforted.

Is this unusual behaviour on my part or do other people take this approach?

Same here.
OP has your mum even seen the baby yet?

Meh. I don’t think it matters tbh.

My first thought was why is he crying when he’s having his happy changed? How new of a newborn is he? If he’s brand brand new, it’s normal. If he’s more than a few weeks he should know by now what the process involves so if he’s crying is it because the room is too cold? Wipes cold (put them on the radiator)? Surface itchy etc? Try to stop the discomfort is the first thing.

Second thing is a dad doesn’t need to be a mum, and whilst the mum is the primary parent in the first few weeks and months you’re allowed to be you. The baby doesn’t need identical parenting from both parents from the get go, there are many many many ways to raise healthy and happy and loved children. The mother’s isn’t the only way and actually children benefit from having different parenting input. Parents MUST be aligned when it comes to values and principles and big decisions (which are generally small at this stage, but they get bigger) and things like routines and weaning etc in the early stages. The child needs consistency and routine and to feel assured everything is under control and predictable at this point. But it’s not better to roughhouse than not; not better for both parents to be constantly chattering at the baby than only one (at least one needs to for verbal development though); not better for both parents to wear baby carriers rather than one preferring the sling and one a forward-facing pram etc. None of it matters as long as the child is loved, cared for, nurtured, cherished.

Relax. If the mum is very recently post-partum she could (as I did) feel fiercely protective of the baby: after all, he’s part of her body that’s floating around, crying, and you’re not comforting him. She feels it deeply. Just love the boy, that and milk is all he needs right now.

OP ask your mum if she talked to you when she changed your nappies. Or are you too embarrassed as to her reaction to your behaviour?

For me this sums it up brilliantly!
Do try and just 'chat' to her all the time. Tell her what you're doing. It's reassuring for her, and it's how babies eventually learn to talk - by listening!
Hopefully it'll make it more fun for you too.

It seems a very small thing for your DP to point out and get worked up about. You are being a supportive DF, you are changing nappies and it sounds like pulling your weight.

My vote is for it does not matter in the grand scheme of things and your DP needs to not criticise how you do your parenting unless it's neglectful or harmful.

My vote is for it does not matter in the grand scheme of things and your DP needs to not criticise how you do your parenting unless it's neglectful or harmful

It is neglectful and harmful not to chat to a baby. Listening to people speak, and engaging with other human beings is how babies develop language and communication skills.

I talk to him pretty regularly

That's an odd thing to say.

I used to blow a little raspberry on babies tummy. . I'd also cover them in a muslin above the bum area whilst I cleaned up because I read that babies feel vulnerable/exposed lying on their backs naked. I'd also sing sometimes.

Agree

He didn't say he never talked to his baby- just not when he changed a nappy. If that's the worst complaint then it's not a big thing in the grand scheme of things.

How are you feeling apart from that OP?