Am i cold and unsympathetic because I don't tend to verbally comfort my baby when I change his nappy?

[Joelm1066]

I'm a new parent to beautiful little newborn boy who I love very much. However, he cries a lot when he's changed and my general approach is, 'let's get it over with as soon as possible so he can feel better again'. I also have the same approach to getting him dressed and undressed. Consequently, I don't really verbally reassure him during the change; i just focus on getting it done quickly. I do comfort him in other ways like kissing or stroking his head, and I would obviously verbally reassure him if he hurt himself or was extremely distressed for some other reason.

When I'm changing him my partner often points out that I don't verbally comfort him and thinks that it is cold and unsympathetic of me. She also often gets a bit distressed herself by our baby boy crying without being comforted.

Is this unusual behaviour on my part or do other people take this approach?

I think it's a bit odd not to, tbh. Talking doesn't make it take longer - it's simultaneous!

I’m wondering if you’re a bit like my DH who initially found DS’s crying so distressing he used to kind of shut down. He would go through the motions of physical comfort like you are doing but he didn’t speak to him. It didn’t take long before he got used to it all and started doing all the verbal stuff too.

I’m sure you’re doing a great job. A newborn is a massive shock to the system! Maybe start off with ‘ok bubba/mate/buddy (whatever term of endearment you use) it won’t be long’ just at the beginning of the nappy change to get you used to talking to him when he’s distressed?

Cold and unusual. I wouldn't like it if you changed my baby like that.

It's critical that you talk to him as much as possible for a whole range of reasons
Talk constantly about what you're doing, what's happening etc

This is so cute, and made me laugh

This is interesting, and I wondered about this too.

I would think it's odd if you don't talk to the baby. It's not going to take any longer if you do!

My whole life with DC was a running commentary, so much so, I was once in the supermarket talking to an empty trolley, DS was at home with DH.

I think it’s fine either way for now. He must be very little and I do think there’s an element of “get it over with” when they’re super tiny and I think I found it hard to focus on keeping the change efficient and chatting at the same time! When he’s a bit more smiley and older and you’re a bit more practised at doing the change, you can make silly faces and sing or chat or whatever and that helps distract them.

I’d just tell your partner you’ll take it on board but I think it’ll come with time if you’re aware of it. Maybe try singing for now (any song you know well - can be Christmas carols or anything) as you can do that on autopilot until the changing bit becomes autopilot.

It didn't come naturally to me either when I first had my baby. Trying to witter on while a tiny human is screaming in your face. I started singing everything and I found that was easier than just saying things (🎶 "Whose got a dirty bottom? Whose got a dirty bottom? Whose got a dirty bottom now? It you, it's you, it's you! Whose going to wipe your bottom? Whose going to wipe your bottom? Whose going to wipe your bottom now? It's me, it's me, it's me! Where did I put the wipes? Where... " you get the idea!

Talking to them during every kind of interaction is really important - for language development and connection. Changing a nappy in silence is a bit weird! Even if they’re crying, just repeating stuff like “I know you don’t like having your nappy changed, don’t worry we’ll be finished soon, then you’ll be nice and warm again” or whatever comes naturally.

Honestly I think it depends. My dad did every single night feed and night nappy change as my mums sing song running commentary and constant humming meant that I was wide awake and wouldn’t resettle and it also disturbed him for hours on end and he was writing to support us all. He took over when I was 4-5 weeks, got me and my sister feed and changed in almost darkness with zero eye contact. Then cuddled me, shushed me for a few seconds and put me back to bed. I was like my mum the first time and I ended up with a daughter that would not settle at all and scratched all night long. I had to eventually leave to cry it out over 4 nights as I was on my knees. The next 3 kids, I followed what my dad did with me and my kids all slept through no issue. But that’s at night time. I have grand kids now and I’m the same. In day time I have to say, I don’t really engage with them during nappy changes as it’s non negotiable. They have to be changed. But once it’s done I will absolutely give them a cuddle and distract them. If they do well getting charged then I will say well done after wards. But I don’t tend to do a running commentary at all for nappy changes BUT I do if I’m cooking /playing up food, at the zoo/ on the bus/in the car etc

I used to stop and sing etc until they calmed down, within a few days there was no distress at all so the effort was worth it

If it helps, you can say literally whatever you like in a soothing voice at that age.

My husband told our son he was so stinky he was sending him to a gulag when he was a week old. But he made a song and dance about it, which eventually made him giggle when he was older.

Think this might be my favourite thing I've read on MN!

It's really important for language development and your baby will also be comforted by the sound of your voice.

And me ❤️ 🤣

If you think about the task, which is incomprehensible to the baby 'why, when I am wet and uncomfortable, are you moving me, letting the cold in, wiping my sore bum, faffing around with clothes' , then the baby needs some soothing. You're actually laying the foundations for their internal self soothing as they grow up, the ability to have a reassuring internal dialogue to get through tricky or uncomfortable but necessary situations. The baby doesn't know what you know, that it will be over soon, but they can build trust in you knowing best if they can hear and sense your reactions. Babies (at extreme end) who don't get soothed when distressed learn to dissociate, don't develop relational to and fro abilities and develop avoidant or anxious attachment styles.

And parentese has value www.bps.org.uk/research-digest/speaking-parentese-young-children-can-boost-their-language-development

I do think it's possible to soothe them and get it done quickly...but I can also understand where you're coming from too.

When DD2 was just born, the HV knocked off the belly button scab when weighing her. Blood everywhere, freezing naked screaming baby, post partum me just trying to get through it as quickly as possible and get her clean and dressed. I just completely zoned out, blocked out the noise and got on with it and I remember the HV saying 'talk to her!' which just made me feel crapper than I already did tbh.

Anyway my point is sometimes you can and do just have to tune things out and get on with it but mostly if not rushed or stressed I think it's best to talk to them

You mention that “She also often gets a bit distressed herself by our baby boy crying without being comforted”. Her reaction is normal. Yours isn’t. Why is he ever crying without being comforted? You can’t “spoil” a baby, it’s your job to look after this tiny helpless human and ensure that he feels safe at all times. It doesn’t matter if it’s inconvenient or makes things take longer - You are a parent, not a minimum wage nursery worker who can’t be arsed 🙄

It’s supposed to be distressing to hear your baby crying: that’s what drives you to wake up and get out of bed when you are so exhausted that you feel as if you are about to pass out. I feel for your wife if she can see you being so cold, and it might well lessen her love and attraction to you.

I think you should talk to him. Verbal communication is so important at that age so use it in every possible situation. It’s not only comforting, it’s teaching him language.

Talking is so important - you're embedding vital concepts from the outset, not just making random sounds. As you get into the habit of doing it, they're learning sequences, anticipation, the concepts of up/down, left/right, number, routine - and that carries on not just into infancy, but toddlerhood and beyond with relative proportion (Big step/Little step), counting steps, colours - it's learning that starts with the secure safety of changes and baths.

I used to work as a first aider with teenagers - you know, those great hulking creatures that look simply terrifying compared to your tiny new baby - and this inevitably involved many, many twisted ankles and knees. Once I was happy that they weren't showing signs of severe damage to tissues or bones, I'd bandage them and help put their shoes back on again, as I was already there and 70% hadn't done their laces for what looked like weeks (hardly surprising that they'd twisted something with their feet slopping around in their shoes like that).

Purely on autopilot, when it got to 'Shoes...right foot <tied>...left food...<tied>...All done! <tap, tap on the soles>', they'd be smiling because it took them straight back to being tiny and cared for by somebody who talked them through everything.

I might have got a smile from the very few fully grown blokes I helped with their shoes after injury or illness, too.

It may seem like a nothing, but it is that deeply encoded.

It’s this warm, soft, casual chatter that builds secure attachment and a bond. Don’t miss the opportunities for that.

Remember the days are long but the years are short.

I say hello to sheep and cows and have a little chat. Running commentary with babies you tell them what you are doing. It’s even more odd if you talk all the time to the baby and then fall silent at nappy change time, they will pick up on that. Very unsettling.

When your baby is lying down on the changing mat looking at you, it's almost impossible not to respond to them by talking back.

I don't want to sound mean, because you sound like you care about your baby, but being so cut off from them that they r seen as an object to change as fast as possible, rather than a tiny human who is looking at your for comfort, is a bit worrying.

I'd maybe get some support and explain your feelings to the health visitor. They be able to support you a bit.