Am i cold and unsympathetic because I don't tend to verbally comfort my baby when I change his nappy?

[Joelm1066]

I'm a new parent to beautiful little newborn boy who I love very much. However, he cries a lot when he's changed and my general approach is, 'let's get it over with as soon as possible so he can feel better again'. I also have the same approach to getting him dressed and undressed. Consequently, I don't really verbally reassure him during the change; i just focus on getting it done quickly. I do comfort him in other ways like kissing or stroking his head, and I would obviously verbally reassure him if he hurt himself or was extremely distressed for some other reason.

When I'm changing him my partner often points out that I don't verbally comfort him and thinks that it is cold and unsympathetic of me. She also often gets a bit distressed herself by our baby boy crying without being comforted.

Is this unusual behaviour on my part or do other people take this approach?

Talk to your baby. Its good for them. Its that simple. It doesn't matter if its not your style and I'm not saying you are cold and uncaring but talk to your child and when they really need yo be comforted by your calm voice (when they are hurt or poorly for eg) then they will be used to it and it will help. If you don't want to do a running commentary try just thr same sentence over and over - Its OK is enough until you feel more confident

They are a little person and talking is building a bond. Singing is fun too they love you to sing

OP you’ve read enough replies here to hopefully understand that giving your newborn the silent treatment is a bit weird.

You don't need to make it awkward, it doesn't need to be a full conversation (I find talking to a baby weird- neurodivergent here).

BUT I did something like this eh if he is crying during change

"Hey hey baby, it's ok, shhhh shhhh don't worry, all done in a minute, shhhh shhhh mamas here just got to change this nappy, shhhh don't cry it'll be ok etc"

Not sure if that helps?
My boy hated being undresssed too so I remember it well!

Why are men* so fucking weird?

*obligatory "some"

I think cold and unsympathetic is a bit of a stretch, but maybe I’m cold and unsympathetic too. I used to have to keep noise cancelling headphones by the changing table because his crying would upset me too much. I’d stroke his head and shush him but used to feel like adding to the noise by talking over his screaming made it more stressful and I just wanted it over with. We tried to make the experience nicer for him with warm wipes, fluffy rug under his head, mobile to look at etc but ultimately it just needed doing. I’m sure you speak to your baby at other times and don’t just ignore them all day?

Thankfully the screaming phase is over, so please be reassured that it does end. Now it’s all about trying to roll off the changing table, which he only stops doing if I either sing ‘Wind the Bobbin Up’ loudly while maintaining eye contact and smiling maniacally, give him a remote control (batteries removed) to hold while I change him, or show him this mad singing elephant his auntie gave him. Babies. What a trip!

You're focusing on how you feel and not how your baby feels. Hearing your voice will reassure him, even if he's still a bit unhappy.

Just because certain things don't come naturally to us as new parents doesn't mean we shouldn't try them.

Babies thrive in so many ways from hearing their parents' voices. It is soothing to their nervous systems and it stimulates the area of the brain that develops speech and vocabulary.

Just start chatting to your baby at changing time - do it your way. You can sing or explain what's happening or discuss the football - it doesn't really matter. Your voice is enough.

That's absolutely a full conversation and completely relevant to his circumstances.

I remember completely blanking occasionally (probably from lack of sleep), so went to reciting poetry I didn't know was also buried deep in my head. It freed off my brain from having to think of what to say beyond 'what have you been eating?' and 'couldn't you have done that before I took your nappy off?'.

How is it quicker if you don’t talk to him?

I was the same, I struggled to have a conversation with my baby while focusing on getting the job done if he was crying. I just started to say something… ‘whoop whoop’, ‘shhh’, wow baby wow’ and kept repeating it. Eventually I got more used to the task and managed to talk a bit more while changing him.

Why wouldn’t you interact with the baby while literally looking at him in the face? Even tiny babies pick up of your cues and facial expressions. Poor thing.

Yes, that is cold.

I think people are being a bit harsh. I talk to my 3month old all the time. Never let her cry if I can help it.
When she was new she'd scream and go blue during nappy changes. I didn't talk to her during it. She was hysterical and wouldn't have heard me, and I was just too exhausted to function. She's fine with nappy changes now. Newborn is about survival.

OPs also given the impression that he/she doesn’t see why the baby needs to be comforted generally when crying though, not just for nappy changes, although it clearly bothers his wife:“She also often gets a bit distressed herself by our baby boy crying without being comforted.”

I just wanted to clarify something, perhaps it is my fault for not being clearer in the initial post. I don't in any way give my baby son the silent treatment. I talk to him pretty regularly and I also reassure him and speak to him when he's just generally upset. I just don't tend to talk to him during nappy changes, and even then, I do sometimes, I just don't on most occasions

You might want to make it part of your routine, because as they get older they will be less physically compliant and they need your words of empathy and support to make this intimate care team work.

That’s so precious and funny!
When my DS was 3, I was changing him and he said,
Oh that baby lotion is so refreshing! 😂

I was in absolute knots 😂

I always said something like,
C’mon and I’ll get you nice and fresh.
or
Let’s get you freshened up.

Sorry , that is pretty much what you put in the opening post. As quite a few people have pointed out it is no slower to change a baby when talking to them to reassure them. This is a small person. They will develop their social skills through the interactiond with their closest carers. Your partner is right to be upset by your treatment of the child at nappy change time. Please rethink your behaviour. You posted on here. If you had been 100% sure your approach was right then you would not have bothered. Please seek help to overcome your failure to do the best for your child.

Why?
I used to chat endlessly to my babies when I was changing them, except during the night, when I wanted them to go back to sleep.

I spoke non stop to mine, poor things. Helps soothe, and their language development, plus they lihe to look at your face.

And even then, I'd murmur reassuringly all the time. Babies love hearing their mothers' voices.

Changing a baby with no verbal interaction is a bit unusual, OP.
Imagine if you were vulnerable and a carer gave you a bed bath with no communication or chatting at all - I'm sure it wouldn't feel nice.

Try and get into the habit of giving a commentary.

It might feel strange at first but you'll get used to it, and it will help you bond even more.

"Come on, let's get that nappy off"

"Legs up, here we go"

"One wipe, two wipes".

"Clean nappy, not long now"

Etc etc

I can't imagine not chatting away to a baby all the time, your posts are a little unusual, you've mentioned reassurance more than once, is that what you think is a main purpose of talking to a baby?

I'm not surprised that your partner has said something

I've just clocked your username, what does your mum think about it?