To ask DH’s cleaner to help me as well

[Suefr]

We are a large blended family with 5 children in total, but no joint children. DH’s children (secondary school) are slightly older than mine (primary school) but we all get on well. His children come and stay with us on alternative weeks and his system works well for us.

As I am a SAHM I do most of the housework and cooking, and I am fine with this. However, a few months ago I became annoyed at the amount of housework I was expected to do and the lack of support from DH. In particular, he was annoyed that I wasn’t ironing his clothes and I was upset at being treated like a maid.
As a compromise, DH hired a neighbour’s cleaner to help. She can only do 1 hour twice a week. She comes to our house when she finishes at our neighbour’s. In these 2 hours she will wash and iron DH & his children’s clothes, and tidy his office and their bedrooms. However, she will politely decline any requests I make for help. I have spoken to DH and he has fobbed me off, telling me that she is helping us out. But it’s obvious, she is there only to help him out and not me.

for fully supporting her and her (not his) kids?!

But most working parents do all those things and don’t outsource them.

I’m a single working parents, I do everything. I paid for childcare when they were little but not anymore. Still gotta do everything a SAHM does. Whilst also paying for everything.

Sorry, I think I disagree with the majority, saying he's being unreasonable. You are a SAHM, he is able to support you financially to be able to bring up your kids, as well as the child support you receive from your ex. You got irritated having to do things for him, so he outsourced everything to do with him and his kids from a cleaning perspective, so you're looking after shared areas and your children and your own laundry only. She doesn't have time to do more than what she does, and you keep harassing her to do stuff for you too? It seems a pretty good compromise. You complained, he has someone do the bits you complained about

There's actually a parallel thread at the moment and that's exactly what's been said!

Regardless of gender, if one party is working and the other is at home, the contribution of the person at home is keeping the home running and doing pretty much all that is needed during week days (ie working hours) so both parties can enjoy down time on the weekend.

This!

I’m all for husbands pulling their weight…. But when you are a sahm with children in school and he’s fully suportimg you financially I think that person should do all the household tasks/ including ironing for the whole household, that’s your contribution to the household - ft job if you like . If you want to split the jobs you need to also split the paid work.

I don't understand why you need the cleaners help. You are not working with school age children?' Surely you have plenty of time to get everything done.

It's not fair to ask the cleaner to do anything else poor woman; she already sounds overstretched.
Actually, I do think it's fair in a way. You were annoyed being asked to do these tasks and DH has outsourced them.
If you were going halves on all the bills and both working similar hours but he couldn't be arsed to do any housework, I would think it outrageous, but as things are it feels like quite a good compromise.

Yeah I think that's fair. Unless there's a drip feed.

I don’t get your gripe. Your DH financially supports you and the kids, you have school age children(that aren’t his) and you don’t work. He then hires someone to take the load off and you still aren’t happy. Some people are never satisfied.

She doesn’t have the bandwidth 😂😂😂😂

There's just one flaw in that argument.

Most parents don't "outsource" all the jobs!

@Suefr I think you are stunningly entitled. My flabber is entirely ghasted!!!

Your DH is indeed long-suffering. Get off your lazy backside and do your own housework!

Exactly!

Surely the teens and DH use kitchen, bathroom(s), living/ dining rooms etc too which then need more cleaning and general laundry than if just used by mum and 3 littlies. Shopping, cooking, cleanup for 5 one week and 7 the next sounds like quite the chore. Mum does all school runs, homeworks, clubs/parties and school project stuff for her own 3? Garden work? Who does the household admin? Yes, I know working parents do all this too but they share the household work. If OP has to do it all for everyone (longer days than 9-5) then I can see why she wasn’t keen to iron his shirts and clean his office too.

Course, she could do that, but she'd be fucked if he stopped paying for the upkeep of her and the children who aren't his. Difficult to complain about the patriarchy when you're not supporting yourself or doing your fair share at home when someone is paying your way.

I’m actually lost for words…

WTAF? She's at home 6 hours a day, the DSC are not there permanently, he's supporting her and her DC...why is she incapable of doing work around the place? Does she have a massive garden to maintain or something? Ridiculous.

I don't think it's the DH who's a wanker!

Be careful with this advice, as I read it he currently funds her and her kids from her previous marriage while she is a SAHM so unless OP has a high flying career that will give her a high salary she will most likely be worse off going back to work and paying her share of the household bills. 2 hours a week is not that much so I don't think the cleaner can take on much more tbh.

Anyway @Suefr maybe you should both consider hiring a different cleaner who has availability and can do more work around the house than restrict yourselves to a cleaner that is only available for 2 hours? Both of you hiring separate cleaners makes no sense.

I do agree your DH is selfish and ridiculous, if I was in his shoes I would rather look for someone else than stick with someone who only has 2 hours to do his stuff.

Absolutely-DC at school, so surely a SAHP does all the housework, laundry and cooking? I did the cleaning and all laundry when I worked 3 or 4 days.

Are you supporting yourself and your children using savings? If not, you are completely unreasonable and i can't believe people think that you aren't. You choose not to work however your children are at school. You have no children with your husband. If he financially supports you and your children, the least you can do is maintain the home that you and your children live in. It wouldn't kill you to iron your husband's clothes either while he's working and your children are at school. He's paying you and paying a cleaner to undertake tasks for his children. He's looking after yours, but you won't look after his. I don't blame the cleaner. What do you actually do?

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that you're being completely unreasonable.

You gave out about the amount of housework, presumable that ironing his and his children's clothes and tidying their rooms, was adding to your workload.

He found a solution and pays to have a cleaner come 2 hours a week and do these jobs so you don't have to. The cleaner cannot do any further hours.

He pays for you to be a SAHM, and you receive maintenance from your children's father. Your DH is essentially paying you to stay home with children that aren't his, as teenagers do not require a SAHM and they're only there half the time anyway.

I think youve a pretty good set up here and you're sounding spoiled and ungrateful.

If it bothers you that much, find and pay for your own cleaner.

I was upset at being treated like a maid

Not being funny but that’s what a SAHM with school aged kids is. If you aren’t the maid and someone else does all of that, then you’re a kept woman.

You are unbelievable OP.

Your husband does his own washing and his childrens washing, pays someone else to do the rest of the tidying and the ironing for himself and his own children and you are bitching his cleaner won't do YOUR housework too.

What on earth does he get out of this relationship?

I don't see what you bring to it at all, you just sound like an enormous financial drain on 2 different men.