To ask DH’s cleaner to help me as well

[Suefr]

We are a large blended family with 5 children in total, but no joint children. DH’s children (secondary school) are slightly older than mine (primary school) but we all get on well. His children come and stay with us on alternative weeks and his system works well for us.

As I am a SAHM I do most of the housework and cooking, and I am fine with this. However, a few months ago I became annoyed at the amount of housework I was expected to do and the lack of support from DH. In particular, he was annoyed that I wasn’t ironing his clothes and I was upset at being treated like a maid.
As a compromise, DH hired a neighbour’s cleaner to help. She can only do 1 hour twice a week. She comes to our house when she finishes at our neighbour’s. In these 2 hours she will wash and iron DH & his children’s clothes, and tidy his office and their bedrooms. However, she will politely decline any requests I make for help. I have spoken to DH and he has fobbed me off, telling me that she is helping us out. But it’s obvious, she is there only to help him out and not me.

But you have many more free hours than the cleaner so...maybe do it yourself?

Do you contribute financially OP? It does sound as though he's taken on the financial commitment and the way he feels able to contribute to housework is by paying someone to do what he considers to be 'his share'.

Your contribution to the household is childcare and keeping the house running. The housework has been reduced because his cleaner does it.

I don't think it's unreasonable that he expects you to do the remainder of the housework if you don't work. Unless of course you have a physical reason that makes it difficult for you.

Apart from £, does he contribute to the family in any other way? Spending time together. Bedtimes. School runs. Doing extra curricular at weekends. ?

Your set up sounds unusual and unbalanced. You both sound resentful of each other. Is this what you agreed when you blended the family, or have you just fallen into this routine?

Do you get any time alone (when your DC go to their dads, for instance) where you can talk about this constructively?

I don't know. If he is supporting the family and removing any burden of housework on you that you thought he should be doing, I can see why he may think that this is a reasonable compromise. You haven't asked for a cleaner and presumably you had to run the home with your children before you met him?

If you are a SAHM then I don't see the issue.

If you want a cleaner, do what your DH did and hire and pay for one yourself 🤷‍♂️

Your being unreasonable.

He works full time and supports you and your children so you can stay at home.

You complained about the amount of housework, so he hired a cleaner to take care of his and his part time custody children's household chores.

You are now upset that you don't have to do the housework you complained about?

I mean in fairness, you asked him to lighten the load/for you not be expected to pick up after his kids or wash his clothes while you are a stay at home mum to your own kids. And he has hired a cleaner to do those specific tasks as you didn't want to do them and he works full time.

This is what I think. She's hired to do things that he needs to have done that you didn't want to do. She's not there for long. If you want more of her time, then you should pay for it.

So you’re a SAHM to all school aged children, some of which aren’t always at home, so have 6hrs child free time daily to do whatever you need to do. You complained about doing DH washing and ironing so he’s arranged someone to come in twice a week but now you want help too? What is it exactly you want help with?

It sounds an odd set up to me in every way- do you have completely separate finances? Does he pay you an allowance?

I doubt very much he said "don't help Suefr"- more likely he just asked her to do those particular rooms and tbh an hour twice a week isn't much time.

What is the outcome you want? You said you didn't want to be doing so much cleaning and ironing so he has hired a cleaner to cover "his bit". Do you want the cleaner to do more hours? Do you have incredibly high standards, or an enormous house- it's hard to see how you can be doing just the remaining rooms and no ironing and still need more help. (Not against people having lots of help- my cleaner comes 10 hours a week- but just trying to get a grasp of whether you're having to do an unreasonable amount.)

What things are you asking her to do in the hour that she has been hired to iron?

How is he being petty? The OP has said she is not ironing his shirts or do his share of the tasks so he’s sorted it by outsourcing it. I would do the same, I work full time and outsource cleaning.

The OP is currently unemployed so she’s either funding her half of the rent/mortgage, food for her and her children, and utilities through savings or the partner is subsidising both her and her children.

I think of the roles were reversed and the woman was working full time, living full time with children who weren’t hers and the partner was unemployed and home all day, the response would be a bit different!

So you are a stay at home parent with primary school age children?

Who pays for the house, bills, food, birthdays, Christmas, activities etc?
Are you financially supporting yourself?

If you're a SAHM to school age children then it's difficult to claim that you don't have enough hours to do your cleaning and that a cleaner who is paid to work 2hrs a week should be picking up the slack

It sounds like DH has employed the cleaner to make your life easier

How easy does your life need to be?

YABU. Despite not working you whinged and whined about the housework so he solved that issue for you.

Now you’re whinging and whining because you want more help You don’t have a job - this is your job.

I also don’t see the issue here, you’re a sahm, with kids in school and he’s outsourced his own families work, so you don’t have to do it. If you don’t wish to do th4 house stuff, and I get that, go back to work and pay for a cleaner yourself, that’s what I’d do

he was annoyed that I wasn’t ironing his clothes

Oh no, does he not have hands?

After she has ironed all clothes and cleaned bedrooms and study surely there isn't time for anything else

@AMurderofMurderingCrows
He is probably busy using his hands to work full time supporting the op and her children.

I’m a SAHM and I do everything.

He's working with those hands and supporting kids that aren't his. He is also now paying someone to iron. OP is not being asked to do it. Because he listened. And she's still moaning.

This seems like he funds you to stay at home, you complained that he didn’t help out so to save himself the aggro he is paying someone else to do his share of the chores

You can’t really just ask the cleaner to help you?! That’s downright rude. She’s there to do certain tasks and is only paid for those tasks. So unless you want to put your hand in your pocket then don’t complain

Apologies, I now realise that OP is a SAHM.

He’s employed someone to deal with what he needs, OP can deal with the rest!

She doesn’t have the bandwidth. We were only able to hire her because our neighbours didn’t need her as much.

He puts the clothes in the washing machine and dryer so all she has to do is iron them.

Leave him and get a job and pay for a cleaner with more hours.

Do you not have the bandwidth to deal with the home keeping OP?

Why not?