To ask DH’s cleaner to help me as well

[Suefr]

We are a large blended family with 5 children in total, but no joint children. DH’s children (secondary school) are slightly older than mine (primary school) but we all get on well. His children come and stay with us on alternative weeks and his system works well for us.

As I am a SAHM I do most of the housework and cooking, and I am fine with this. However, a few months ago I became annoyed at the amount of housework I was expected to do and the lack of support from DH. In particular, he was annoyed that I wasn’t ironing his clothes and I was upset at being treated like a maid.
As a compromise, DH hired a neighbour’s cleaner to help. She can only do 1 hour twice a week. She comes to our house when she finishes at our neighbour’s. In these 2 hours she will wash and iron DH & his children’s clothes, and tidy his office and their bedrooms. However, she will politely decline any requests I make for help. I have spoken to DH and he has fobbed me off, telling me that she is helping us out. But it’s obvious, she is there only to help him out and not me.

The short version seems to be that you have time and he has money but you think you shouldn't have to use your time to benefit him or his children but he should still use his money to benefit you and your kids.

That's not reasonable.

Think she wants to be a lady who lunches 😃

But you really haven't.

In my household we have a "rule" that anyone over the age of 11 does their own ironing if they want things ironed.
in practice this means that I iron a few things of my own that look particularly creased, the DC iron nothing and DH will iron a shirt when he has an important meeting at work.

If DH came home one day and said he'd decided that he wanted all his clothes ironed, but he didn't want to do it himself, so he'd organised for the local lady who takes in ironing to do it, it wouldn't occur for me to do anything other than be happy that he hadn't expected me to start doing it and that he'd sorted out the ironing lady without me having to do anything.

I certainly wouldn't get annoyed because he'd organised something to benefit himself that was of no advantage to me, because, you know, if I wanted someone to do my ironing, I'm perfectly capable of sorting it out myself.

If this is part of a bigger picture that "DH gets all the nice things" and OP spends all her time cleaning for no thanks, then clearly there is a much wider problem.

But OP has not alluded to any of that. In fact she's said that she's fine with the way things are. If she wants a cleaner because she still has too much to do, then she needs to sort that out, not bedgrudge DH for sorting what he probably saw as his own problem.

I’m shocked that the general line seems to be that a man works 9-5 and a SAHM does everything in relation to home and children (irrelevant that 3 of the children are not his- presumably they agreed this arrangement and the husband would be providing a home for his own kids anyway). And working parents do not do all that plus work. The daily grind of caring for children and keeping the home tidy is done by someone else while parents work then should be shared outside of those hours). Even for school aged children there is so much time off school that working parents use holiday and wraparound clubs for.

I hate, hate, hate the relentlessness of deciding what’s for every meal and making all domestic arrangements.

The respectful and genuine approach would have been for the husband to arrange 2 hours cleaning support for OP to direct, on the understanding that this would include ironing shirts. Really it sounds like the DH thinks that allowing his wife and her children to live in his house entitles him to a 24/7 housekeeper.

If you hate hate hate it, get a job and get some help in. That’s what he’s done, so why are you saying she’s doing everything, she’s not!

A providing a home for partner and children is massive, not matter how you downplay it!

@ForgetYouNot I think the crux of the issue seems to be that they didn't have the same understanding of what they had agreed as an arrangement.

All relationships have some kind of balance - so both people feel like they get their needs met.

I don't think the DH is unreasonable in expecting to get something in return for financially supporting her and her three children - and ofc it's relevant that they aren't his because if they were his, a big benefit would be childcare for him.

At the moment, I don't really understand what's in it for him - he gets to financially support children who aren't his, which means less for his own kids, and his wife gets to provide support to her parents. He still pays for a cleaner for his own chores and for his children's.

Whereas she gets lots of time with her own children, gets to support her parents and not have to worry about money or working

So, you're a SAHM to your children, who are not his children, yet he pays for everything?

No, I don't think his cleaner should be helping you.

Excellent arrangement!

As for the family in question, that is not what is happening. It's not just about getting someone in to do the occasional bit of ironing. In hiring somebody weekly to clean his and his children's areas specifically and not shared areas or the OP's and her kids' areas he is pointedly creating a divide and othering her and her kids. He's signalling that it's not a blended family - it's his family and her family.

I agree it seems to be part of a wider problem, hence my (slightly flippant) reference to divorce in a previous comment.

Hopefully you understand the irony of your post! Probably not judging by your multiple posts repeating the same thing on repeat and failing to respond to other poster's points.

Don't conflate failing to agree with failing to address points.

My multiple posts repeating the same thing are simply in response to comments in which I'm tagged, most of which push the same point which people can't believe anybody might disagree with.

It is interesting though that when people finally realise they will not be able to persuade me to their point of view, because I have the courage of my convictions, they often switch from a discussion of the points raised in the post to personal attacks on me. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Someone is more invested in this thread than OP in her housework. 🎠

I don't get why the op doesn't just hire a cleaner independently and outsource the ironing. There are many ironing shops around. A 'borrowed' cleaner for a couple of hours is not going to help much.

"Courage of your convictions," talking to a brick wall, potato, potahto.

Possibly because she can't pay for a cleaner as she doesn't work.

Talking to someone who can't accept that there is more than one point of view. Perhaps you spend too much time with children.

Christ you remind me of my ex H's first ex wife.
All kids in school, never worked a day in her life, kicked off when we got married when she realised my salary didn't mean she got more CMS, once said to the mediator she couldn't work because 'When would I do the food shop?'.
Probably still not working now. Great example for her daughter.

Thank God I'm out of it.

You sound like you have it made.

Commenting about the irony of your above post is not a personal attack. I was obviously correct in my assumption that it had passed you by.
Having 'the courage of .. convictions' is often a negative thing. Think of all the tyrants in history who were 100% convinced that they were correct. Having the ability to listen is generally better.

Yes, I think of those in history and the harm they did with the courage of their convictions: the suffragettes, William Wilberforce, Nye Bevan, Nelson Mandela, etc. Damn them and their tyrannical ways!

Again, you're making the schoolgirl error of conflating listening with agreeing. I have listened to you. I disagree, no matter how dissatisfied you will be at your lack of persuasive skills.

May I respectfully suggest you open your mind and, again, consider the fact that there will always be more than one perspective to any subject, and that's fine. The world will not come to a shuddering halt.

But at the end of the day OP IBU.

She’s also disappeared so can’t confirm any of your whataboutery. I suspect the vast majority are correct in there assumptions here.

"But at the end of the day I'm right". 🥱

Christ on a bike you're tedious! Go and play with your kids. I'm off to play with grownups.

How this got to William Wilberforce is beyond me

I’ve not got “kids” though, you’re assuming again! A lot of assumptions you make.

I got the impression they were reasonably well off in which case a cleaner could be paid out of the housekeeping money. I could be wrong of course but it isn't just working people who get someone in to clean.

I highly doubt op wants to spend a single penny of the even more money her dh supports her with to play a cleaner. That’s just something else he should pay for.

This was my thinking as well. Is he covering all the costs of you being off work, even though they're not his kids? If so then I think you should be doing the housewife thing for the whole family as you have 6 hours a day off. I'd go back to work, contribute financially and split the chores though.