To ask DH’s cleaner to help me as well

[Suefr]

We are a large blended family with 5 children in total, but no joint children. DH’s children (secondary school) are slightly older than mine (primary school) but we all get on well. His children come and stay with us on alternative weeks and his system works well for us.

As I am a SAHM I do most of the housework and cooking, and I am fine with this. However, a few months ago I became annoyed at the amount of housework I was expected to do and the lack of support from DH. In particular, he was annoyed that I wasn’t ironing his clothes and I was upset at being treated like a maid.
As a compromise, DH hired a neighbour’s cleaner to help. She can only do 1 hour twice a week. She comes to our house when she finishes at our neighbour’s. In these 2 hours she will wash and iron DH & his children’s clothes, and tidy his office and their bedrooms. However, she will politely decline any requests I make for help. I have spoken to DH and he has fobbed me off, telling me that she is helping us out. But it’s obvious, she is there only to help him out and not me.

If you got rid of him, you would have a whole lot less work to do.

This has to be a joke, surely.

OP you have got an extremely fortunate set-up and it’s astounding you don’t realise it.

And a whole lot less money and roof over her head to do it in... this woman is spoiled. She can find her own cleaner if she's that bothered about it.

@justasmalltownmum why would she have less to do?
He currently does (or outsources) his and his kids’ washing and ironing. All she has to do for him is shop, cook and clean the house. If OP “got rid” of him she would still have to shop, cook and clean the house for herself and her own kids. She would also have to get a job to pay bills. How does that equate to less work?

still, a better guy would get the cleaner to do everything.

That's why OP feels upset.

Yeah, we get it. She wants him to be even more of a mug than he currently is and she's throwing her toys out of the pram because he's not a complete idiot.

A better woman would look after him... too many unrealistic women on here.

Why? Why should he pay for a cleaner when he is the sole earner and it's mainly op's children in the house (who aren't his children)?

Exactly!

@valentinka31 a better guy???

This guy is paying for this woman to stay at home to raise HER children. She doesn't work, he pays for everything. Her children are in school, what is she doing all day?

And she can't even be enough of a team player/partner in the relationship to do some laundry for him and his kids, who are only there half the time. And you expect him to pay a cleaner to do everything? So that can do what? Sit on her arse all day?

I'm actually flabbergasted by the responses on this thread.

Your husband is covering the costs of you being a sahm to children that aren't his, and enabling you to care for your mother. You told him you didn't have time for his things, so he got a cleaner to sort them.

I am completely failing to see what he's getting out of this relationship.

This.

OP, you are being staggeringly unreasonable here.

As a SAHP to school age dc, I would have thought you would be easily able to get the housework, cooking, laundry etc done by yourself. The fact that someone is now doing a focussed 2 hours a week for you sounds like a luxury to me.

If I've read your posts correctly, your dh is paying all the bills, and enabling you to not have to go out to work, and then on top of that is also paying someone twice a week to do what most people would reasonably consider to be tasks any SAHP of school age dc could get done themselves.

So he pays for everything. You have 9/3 roughly free so 30hrs while kids at school yet you still want help

how much care does your mum need

And what is OPs contribution towards the relationship in this scenario?

Aside from the fact that your husband pays you to not go to work even though your kids are at school, presumably you’re doing your own and your kids’ ironing, and just leaving his?
In which case is it any surprise that he pays the ironing lady to do his and not yours? You’re already alright Jack.

It seems your primary age children live with you full time and his high school children come for two weeks a month? And as a stay at home mum are you self funding or is he paying all expenses for you and all the kids or just you and his kids ie your kid's dad is contributing?
You said you did not have time to iron his shirts - so he sorted the problem. I am a SAHM too - your partner is working full-time, presumably supporting you as a SAHM and he's paying for his own cleaning and you want the cleaner to do some cleaning for you and get him to do more of his own cleaning?

How about her doing all the rest of the cleaning, cooking and shopping for everyone?

In what way?

You don’t think that’s a fair split of labour in comparison to a full time job?
I mean it’s not, but not the way you think.

You're a SAHM with kids in school, who aren't his children. And your kids live there the majority of the time while his visit. I don't see how it's unreasonable for you to do the majority of the housework. It would be reasonable if you had shared kids, it's even more reasonable when you don't.

It wouldn't be entirely unreasonable for you to ask if you could get a cleaner that can do a few more hours. But it's 100% unreasonable that if there are a limited number of hours that your husband is paying for, you want to take them for chores you have more than enough time to be doing yourself.

He's lightened the load on an already fairly cushy situation for you. He can't/won't do his share of chores, so he's arranged for someone else to. I don't see how this is unfair to you at all.

(And I say all this as a former SAHM myself).

Everyone being her, her two kids (who aren’t his) and him? So only one extra person on top of the people she’d be doing all that for as a single parent?

And anyway- yes? That is the job of a SAHP (and I say that having been one). They do the childcare and as much of the housework as they can fit in around it. When the kids are tiny, sometimes that’s zero housework. Once they’re at school, the focus switches to housework and you can easily get it all done in the time your kids are in school. I used to have one day a week my son was in nursery and I managed to clean the whole house. A parent with school age children can certainly do it, with ample time to spare for themselves.

Not really. Supporting herself and her children would take up a lot of time.

This.
if he is paying for your keep, why won’t you do all the housework (including his shirts?)

Why do you think that’s the maid’s job?

You have to choose your path and accept everything that comes with it.

1. Get a job and pay your way through life
2. Accept the responsibilities that come with staying at home

He is paying for the jobs you thought were beneath you. I think that is kind. He is already funding your SAHM lifestyle and I assume also paying for the food etc your children eat? It’s bonkers to expect him to pay for your cleaner!

I'm with DP on this one.

You don't work, he financially supports you and YOUR children and he works full time.

You want him to do more, he's chosen to outsource that. The jobs you asked him to do are covered.

You're taking the piss asking for a cleaning to do things you have plenty of time to do yourself.