Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask DH’s cleaner to help me as well

450 replies

Suefr · 24/01/2025 17:46

We are a large blended family with 5 children in total, but no joint children. DH’s children (secondary school) are slightly older than mine (primary school) but we all get on well. His children come and stay with us on alternative weeks and his system works well for us.

As I am a SAHM I do most of the housework and cooking, and I am fine with this. However, a few months ago I became annoyed at the amount of housework I was expected to do and the lack of support from DH. In particular, he was annoyed that I wasn’t ironing his clothes and I was upset at being treated like a maid.
As a compromise, DH hired a neighbour’s cleaner to help. She can only do 1 hour twice a week. She comes to our house when she finishes at our neighbour’s. In these 2 hours she will wash and iron DH & his children’s clothes, and tidy his office and their bedrooms. However, she will politely decline any requests I make for help. I have spoken to DH and he has fobbed me off, telling me that she is helping us out. But it’s obvious, she is there only to help him out and not me.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 24/01/2025 18:45

He’s supporting her as a non working parent, and her school age children, how does that make him a wanker? It makes him a mug in my opinion, and the OP a massive cocklodger.

poemsandwine · 24/01/2025 18:45

HollyBerryz · 24/01/2025 18:43

Your dh is a wanker

He's not. He's supporting everyone, including her children, and paying a cleaner to do chores OP didn't want to do, although she's home all day.

He's not the unreasonable one.

SeatbeltExtender · 24/01/2025 18:45

May I ask if there is a reason you don't work?
You could hire a cleaner yourself?

Sunholidays · 24/01/2025 18:46

It sounds like he's outsourcing his share of house jobs.

Could you do the same?

friendlycat · 24/01/2025 18:46

I think you've got a very good deal.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 24/01/2025 18:46

You need to get a job so you can pay the cleaner abd ask him/her to do more hours.

What do you do all day?

cadburyegg · 24/01/2025 18:47

I find this post really odd. You're being financially supported by your DH but you say the cleaner has only been hired "to help him and not me"? So you're only a team when you get to do the things you want to do?

Perhaps the cleaner has told your DH how much time she has and your DH has told her the priority jobs to do in that time, and she doesn't have time to do anything else.

I don't think you realise how lucky you are!

CrestWhite · 24/01/2025 18:47

Suefr · 24/01/2025 18:41

Yes he is.

Sue, with all due respect, and without the understanding of your exact arrangement - I think he is perfectly entitled to expect you to take care of the vast majority of the housework.

I actually think it is disrespectful of you to refuse to iron his clothes if you do it for yourself and your own children in the time he finances for you to stay at home.

I think him paying for a cleaner despite this was above and beyond what is reasonable.

He sounds like more than a fair man, if the shoe was on the other foot would you honestly be happy with that situation?

It may be time to assess what you are bringing to the table.

Appreciate you answering honestly when you could see where it was leading.

I hope your frustrations pass - and you feel more content in the future!

Dollshousedolly · 24/01/2025 18:47

I’m guessing your DH has told the cleaner they are not to do any cleaning for you and to stick to what he asks. It’s a little unusual you not working and yourself and your own children being financial supported by your DH. I suspect your DH sees you doing housework as being payback for financial support.

If I were you, I’d go back to work and be financially independent.

steff13 · 24/01/2025 18:47

Soontobe60 · 24/01/2025 18:45

He’s supporting her as a non working parent, and her school age children, how does that make him a wanker? It makes him a mug in my opinion, and the OP a massive cocklodger.

I think there are people on mumsnet who think the man is wrong no matter what.

Martymcfly24 · 24/01/2025 18:47

HollyBerryz · 24/01/2025 18:43

Your dh is a wanker

Funny cos I think she is a complete piss taker

shinebrightlikeanemerald · 24/01/2025 18:47

I am sure he is getting his other needs met elsewhere too.

What a tool.

Convenience and show wife is the picture I have of you after reading what you describe.

Nonaynevernomore · 24/01/2025 18:47

HollyBerryz · 24/01/2025 18:43

Your dh is a wanker

He’s not a wanker….

Could you explain why you think he is?

Nonaynevernomore · 24/01/2025 18:48

shinebrightlikeanemerald · 24/01/2025 18:47

I am sure he is getting his other needs met elsewhere too.

What a tool.

Convenience and show wife is the picture I have of you after reading what you describe.

Why??

Hwi · 24/01/2025 18:48

Not enough information - whose house is it? What do you contribute financially?

Nonaynevernomore · 24/01/2025 18:48

shinebrightlikeanemerald · 24/01/2025 18:47

I am sure he is getting his other needs met elsewhere too.

What a tool.

Convenience and show wife is the picture I have of you after reading what you describe.

By other needs, do you mean sex?

Is OP not getting her sexual needs met also?

Suefr · 24/01/2025 18:49

Sapienza · 24/01/2025 18:32

What do you do all day?

How are you supporting yourself and your children?

I also look after my parents (mother). My brother has no interest so that has fallen to me.
I will work but between the children (one of being assessed for SEN), cooking, my parents etc

OP posts:
steff13 · 24/01/2025 18:50

Suefr · 24/01/2025 18:49

I also look after my parents (mother). My brother has no interest so that has fallen to me.
I will work but between the children (one of being assessed for SEN), cooking, my parents etc

But it doesn't benefit your husband for you to take care of your parents and yet he's still financially supporting you to enable you to do that.

Betchyaby · 24/01/2025 18:50

I don't see your problem. He is financially supporting you and your kids who are not biologically his. The kids are at school so you have plenty of time to get the housework done. You didn't want to iron his clothes, so he found a solution and now you are moaning about that. Would you rather he sack the cleaner off and you do the jobs instead? I'm confused.

Nonaynevernomore · 24/01/2025 18:50

Suefr · 24/01/2025 18:49

I also look after my parents (mother). My brother has no interest so that has fallen to me.
I will work but between the children (one of being assessed for SEN), cooking, my parents etc

So tell your brother to step up, it’s not your DPs fault!

Sunholidays · 24/01/2025 18:51

Do you get maintenance from your exH/ P? could you set aside some of it to pay the cleaner for an extra hour each time?

poemsandwine · 24/01/2025 18:51

You should take steps to have your own finances so you're not up shit's creek if and when he gets tired of this or a friend tells him not to be a mug.

HollyBerryz · 24/01/2025 18:51

In my defence ops last post wasn't up when I wrote mine and there was a gap between when I wrote it and when I hit send as I was distracted by something else,

PizzaPunk · 24/01/2025 18:52

Suefr · 24/01/2025 18:49

I also look after my parents (mother). My brother has no interest so that has fallen to me.
I will work but between the children (one of being assessed for SEN), cooking, my parents etc

So your husband is basically financing you and your children and benefiting your mother and your brother massively?

And yet he has to pay someone to clean/iron for him?

Bloody hell.

Is your vagina made of gold or something?

harriethoyle · 24/01/2025 18:53

Suefr · 24/01/2025 18:41

Yes he is.

Oh my God - you’re a clitlodger!! 🤣

you really saw him coming didn’t you - the brass neck is almost admirable!

Swipe left for the next trending thread