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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask DH’s cleaner to help me as well

450 replies

Suefr · 24/01/2025 17:46

We are a large blended family with 5 children in total, but no joint children. DH’s children (secondary school) are slightly older than mine (primary school) but we all get on well. His children come and stay with us on alternative weeks and his system works well for us.

As I am a SAHM I do most of the housework and cooking, and I am fine with this. However, a few months ago I became annoyed at the amount of housework I was expected to do and the lack of support from DH. In particular, he was annoyed that I wasn’t ironing his clothes and I was upset at being treated like a maid.
As a compromise, DH hired a neighbour’s cleaner to help. She can only do 1 hour twice a week. She comes to our house when she finishes at our neighbour’s. In these 2 hours she will wash and iron DH & his children’s clothes, and tidy his office and their bedrooms. However, she will politely decline any requests I make for help. I have spoken to DH and he has fobbed me off, telling me that she is helping us out. But it’s obvious, she is there only to help him out and not me.

OP posts:
Chuchoter · 24/01/2025 18:26

Fetburzswefg · 24/01/2025 17:49

This is insane - so he has actively employed a cleaner who has been told to exclusively do tasks that benefit him and not you, and she has been told to refuse requests to do tasks that benefit you both?

I don’t think I could accept being in a relationship with such a petty bastard.

You've nailed it!

What a disgusting man.

Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 24/01/2025 18:26

Are the people voting Yanbu actually reading this? You’re a sahm with all your kids at school so presumably he is pretty much fully supporting the household. You have hours every day to get everything done. You didn’t want to iron his shirts or do bits for his kids so he’s employed someone to cover that. And you’re complaining because despite having about 5 hours a day to get your jobs done the cleaner won’t do extra for you??

Madness. I’d be feeling pretty pissed off if I was your dh.

honeylulu · 24/01/2025 18:26

Come on, he's sorted a plan for his own/ his kids laundry and cleaning the rooms they solely occupy. You're at home all day while your kids ate are at school - why can't you do your own cleaning and laundry?

Does he pay the mortgage and bills? Effectively supporting you (who is not a mother of his children) and your children for free? If so fair enough that you cook and do some of the chores that benefit him.

If you do pay your way I'd be nosy interested to know how. Do you get a huge whack of maintenance from your children's father? If so, use some of it to pay your own cleaner if you can't be arsed. Or get a job?

Nonaynevernomore · 24/01/2025 18:27

Chuchoter · 24/01/2025 18:26

You've nailed it!

What a disgusting man.

But why can’t OP pick up the rest?

Fibrous · 24/01/2025 18:27

Get a job and hire your own cleaner?

SnidelyWhiplash · 24/01/2025 18:27

Suefr · 24/01/2025 18:23

She doesn’t have the bandwidth. We were only able to hire her because our neighbours didn’t need her as much.

He puts the clothes in the washing machine and dryer so all she has to do is iron them.

Can’t you find another cleaner then? One with capacity for more hours.

You’re getting a hard time on here. FWIW, I was a SAHM when ours were small and we had a cleaner for 6 hours pw. Housework is not something I have any interest in. If you can afford to outsource it, do it.

TallNeckedGiraffe · 24/01/2025 18:29

You’re getting a hard time on here

In what way? The children are hers, not his.
His come eow.

Nonaynevernomore · 24/01/2025 18:30

SnidelyWhiplash · 24/01/2025 18:27

Can’t you find another cleaner then? One with capacity for more hours.

You’re getting a hard time on here. FWIW, I was a SAHM when ours were small and we had a cleaner for 6 hours pw. Housework is not something I have any interest in. If you can afford to outsource it, do it.

Perhaps full time work is not something OPs DH likes……….

but you know, needs must!

Sapienza · 24/01/2025 18:32

beautyqueeen · 24/01/2025 18:10

So you’re a SAHM to all school aged children, some of which aren’t always at home, so have 6hrs child free time daily to do whatever you need to do. You complained about doing DH washing and ironing so he’s arranged someone to come in twice a week but now you want help too? What is it exactly you want help with?

What do you do all day?

How are you supporting yourself and your children?

CrestWhite · 24/01/2025 18:33

OP can you clarify the financial arrangement?

Is he fully supporting you and your children?

LordBummenbachsMagnificentBalls · 24/01/2025 18:34

So he funds you to sit at home all day to support your kids (not his) and you are too busy to do a bit of ironing?

MILLYmo0se · 24/01/2025 18:34

OP how would the cleaner fit any other tasks into the window she has? You d have to do the jobs you are complaining about doing if she stopped doing them to do your tasks, makes no sense!

Puddleclucks · 24/01/2025 18:36

It sounds like a strange set up all round really, you're a SAGHM to kids that are not there all day. Does he pay all the bills?

Nonaynevernomore · 24/01/2025 18:36

Perhaps like the cleaner, she doesn’t have the bandwidth, or like @SnidelyWhiplash suggested…. No interest!

So she’s justified, to do now’t all day!

Pickled21 · 24/01/2025 18:37

You've answered one post and ignored all of those that ask if you contribute financially or what exactly you bring to the table.

If his job entitles you to be a sahm then I wouldn't expect you to grumble about the extra work when his kids come to their father's home. That being said you are a sahm not a maid and it doesn't absolve him of doing any chores but the two of you as a couple should discuss what would be a fair division of the labour. So if at the weekends, you cook, he loads the dishwasher and the kids all clear up after themselves etc. I'm just giving an example, it would be for the two of you to sit down and work out the finer details.

If you've complained specifically about the extra work when his children come and he has hired a cleaner to remove that burden from you then I'm not sure what you have to complain about? Unless you are about to do a massive dripfeed about having a chronic condition, sen or a disability then I don't see why as a sahm you can't find the time to do chores? If your issue is that he doesn't do any chores at all or is disrespectful then you need to have a sit down conversation.

Soontobe60 · 24/01/2025 18:38

No, he has decided to pay someone to do his and his children’s laundry. You very reasonably refused to do so, he’s not got time.
How old are your DC OP?

Suefr · 24/01/2025 18:41

CrestWhite · 24/01/2025 18:33

OP can you clarify the financial arrangement?

Is he fully supporting you and your children?

Yes he is.

OP posts:
Wolfhat · 24/01/2025 18:41

Im not so sure about this. For me it comes down to finances. If you have the same amount of spare money and he is choosing to spend a portion of his on outsourcing tasks rather than completing them himself, I'd say that's fair. You could choose the same. If its coming out of joint money so household expenses are impacted then that warrants a discussion.

Work out everything that needs done to keep the house running (his working hours to earn the money, the household tasks required to keep things running and then break down to ensure equal time off). I dont think you can say his children and the household tasks that come with them are completely his problem unless you have totally seperate finances.

Snorlaxo · 24/01/2025 18:42

When you had the chat about the level of housework that you had, did you mention the laundry, his kids or the office? If so, he may have heard that his kids and him create lots more housework and by paying for the cleaner he can continue to do less housework than you like and prevent you from complaining about those specific jobs because he’s paid for someone to do them. If you used the word support then he’s not unreasonable to assume that paying someone to do the jobs is support because you don’t have to do them anymore. If you want him physically doing more housework then that’s a separate thing and he’s chosen to interpret support differently.

HollyBerryz · 24/01/2025 18:43

Your dh is a wanker

myslippersarepink · 24/01/2025 18:43

You've got it cushdy then, he supports you and your kids, you don't work when you could, and you are complaining!!

Soontobe60 · 24/01/2025 18:43

Bloody hell! In that case you’re so unreasonable to moan about him! Get a job and some self respect back

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 24/01/2025 18:45

Anotherparkingthread · 24/01/2025 17:52

I mean in fairness, you asked him to lighten the load/for you not be expected to pick up after his kids or wash his clothes while you are a stay at home mum to your own kids. And he has hired a cleaner to do those specific tasks as you didn't want to do them and he works full time.

Do you contribute to the house equally financially? Do you own it together? Does he fund you and your children?

Spot on

Farmwifefarmlife · 24/01/2025 18:45

TipsyMaker · 24/01/2025 17:51

It is petty, however you say you are a SAHM, how do you contribute financially to the household? If he is paying the majority of the bills for you and your children too, its not unreasonable for him to not want to do your housework too when you are not working 🤷‍♀️

Exactly and now he’s paying a cleaner on top! I’m not surprised he wants his office cleaned and shirts ironed if it’s not being done by the OP. 5 kids is a lot we have 4 but I manage to keep on top of a large house all the kids / DH & I run my own business from home. I think the OP needs a cleaning schedule and to manage time better.

ExhaustedHousewife · 24/01/2025 18:45

I've never been in this situation but if I was there's no way a new man would be paying for my children and me.No fucking way.

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