To ask DH’s cleaner to help me as well

[Suefr]

We are a large blended family with 5 children in total, but no joint children. DH’s children (secondary school) are slightly older than mine (primary school) but we all get on well. His children come and stay with us on alternative weeks and his system works well for us.

As I am a SAHM I do most of the housework and cooking, and I am fine with this. However, a few months ago I became annoyed at the amount of housework I was expected to do and the lack of support from DH. In particular, he was annoyed that I wasn’t ironing his clothes and I was upset at being treated like a maid.
As a compromise, DH hired a neighbour’s cleaner to help. She can only do 1 hour twice a week. She comes to our house when she finishes at our neighbour’s. In these 2 hours she will wash and iron DH & his children’s clothes, and tidy his office and their bedrooms. However, she will politely decline any requests I make for help. I have spoken to DH and he has fobbed me off, telling me that she is helping us out. But it’s obvious, she is there only to help him out and not me.

You can't work because of cooking? Don't you think you're scraping the excuse barrel a bit?

You have a lot of time to play with. A lot.

Would you rather trade it and she does a different 2h of chores and you do the ironing? You could reasonably propose that, but overall very unreasonable.

If appointments for your SEN kid and parents take up lots of time, assess ehat time you have available and prioritize tasks. Talk to dh about which things can slip. Presumably ironing is for his work so is high priority.

I've learned a lot from my Eastern European friends. So here we go:

What self-respecting woman (/person) would let him get a cleaner in to do his clothes and his kids (so you are bothered by them) but tell her she must refuse to do yours?

This is BS.

He should be speaking thus:

Baby, don't even think about it. No way do I want you scrubbing floors etc omg of course not. Let's get a cleaner to do the whole lot.

And he should also be spending ages between your legs every day.

That is how my Ukrainian female friends think, and I have realised they are RIGHT.

So no. I'd tell him 'hey, this feels so bad. I don't want to do all this stuff. Sort it out please.'

@Suefr Kindly OP, I'm a Sahm with two children (one Send so less hours) in school. While my husband is working to support us I do the cleaning, washing and yes ironing of his shirts that he needs for his work (work that makes us all have food at the table). I think you're unreasonable not to do this while your children are in school. And worse, you're not happy to not being able to delegate further tasks to the cleaner. Be happy he got a cleaner to iron his shirts and clean his children's rooms; less housework for you.

You're unemployed so either clean the house or get a job and use your wages to hire a cleaner.

Surely if you want your kids to have the stability of this blended family and new Dad working for a happy long term future you shouldn't be so petty over him hiring a cleaner with his money for tasks you think are 'beneath you and your time'

Hi op

Can you clarify…

The cleaner was hired to iron clothes, tidy bedrooms and office, across 2 hours which is right.

Are you asking her to do extra in that time? For example ‘can you add the bathroom to your list today?’

What extra help are you asking for?

Are you offering to pay extra?

Because honestly, if I’d been employed to do a set list of tasks and employers wife kept asking me to do extra chores without extra pay or time, I’d probably say no too.

So it really depends on what exactly you’re asking for as to whether you are being unreasonable.

He's taken on paying for a partner and her children, who aren't his, she's asked him to sort out his washing/housework so she doesn't have to do it and he has.

What part of this is disgusting?

What is OP's contribution in all this?

I think you are unreasonable.

He has found a way to lighten the load for you and the tasks that you were complaining about. Presumably he employed the cleaner so she does the jobs he asked her to do and doesnt have time to do extra.

Hang on - you asked for help and he's given it. His kids are only there every other weekend so don't actually give you any extra work 90% of the time. Seems the guy can't win! How on earth do you fill your days with kids at school?

This! Sounds like a dream come true

You are a SAHM to your children (not his), he is financially supporting you all so you can do this. Your kids are primary aged so you have 6 hours in a day to do housework, cooking, visiting your parents and a bit of downtime. Given the set up it doesn’t seem like ironing his shirts for the week would be to unreasonable. However you’ve expressed you’re fed up with that job so he has got someone else to do it so you or he don’t have to. The jobs left are what would be expected for a SAHM to do so YABU

As you are a SAHM with children in school I would expect you to do all the cleaning and household tasks. If I as your husband I would be annoyed at having to pay for a cleaner whilst funding your life and that of your children. I would laugh at you for trying to push for a cleaner. Maybe you should get a job.

If she does some of your ironing then she won't have time to do all of his, so you'll still have the same amount to do?

He hired someone to do his ironing and you are complaining……?

How would she possibly have more time in an hour period to help you?

You are being inappropriate with someone who has been employed to work in your home by asking. She has been hired for a specific task not to act on your whim.

Fucking hell. The same theme on so many threads.

Men who expect to be waited upon by women have been enabled by the women who serve them. The only way to break the cycle is to say no and stop doing it.

Sometimes I feels like I'm shouting "smash the patriarchy" into the void.

So depressing.

Joining the choir. He works. You're a SAHM. He funds you and your children, who are not his.

You complained about ironing his stuff and doing the extra chores involved when his own children visit. So he got someone in to do those tasks, so you're only doing general housework and the jobs that your own children create.

I'm not finding an atom of unfairness on his part.

You have a pretty sweet arrangement. I would just thank my lucky stars and carry on.

He pays for you to stay home, your kids who aren't his, and then hires a cleaner to do his and his kids cleaning.

Exactly this. This is outrageous. 😱

Smash the patriarchy? Lol

This man pays for her to stay home and for kids that aren't his.

He pays a cleaner to pick up after him and his kids.

The man is far from demanding.

Smash the patriarchy and maybe OP can get a job and support her own kids and self.

Why should this man pay for everything?

Why should he pay for a cleaner when he already pays for op to stay home and pays for her kids?

Your kids are at school, what the fuck do you do all day while he finds your lifestyle?

Well he earns all the money so it could be classed as his.

OP sounds like she wants a very easy stay-at-home life at his expense! Presumably the money he works for also feeds her children. Some women have a strange idea of equality.

Yes he does - children’s father does maintenance.

I'm totally in favour of smashing the patriarchy. Maybe women like the OP would then get off their backside and support themselves and their children.