To ask DH’s cleaner to help me as well

[Suefr]

We are a large blended family with 5 children in total, but no joint children. DH’s children (secondary school) are slightly older than mine (primary school) but we all get on well. His children come and stay with us on alternative weeks and his system works well for us.

As I am a SAHM I do most of the housework and cooking, and I am fine with this. However, a few months ago I became annoyed at the amount of housework I was expected to do and the lack of support from DH. In particular, he was annoyed that I wasn’t ironing his clothes and I was upset at being treated like a maid.
As a compromise, DH hired a neighbour’s cleaner to help. She can only do 1 hour twice a week. She comes to our house when she finishes at our neighbour’s. In these 2 hours she will wash and iron DH & his children’s clothes, and tidy his office and their bedrooms. However, she will politely decline any requests I make for help. I have spoken to DH and he has fobbed me off, telling me that she is helping us out. But it’s obvious, she is there only to help him out and not me.

The cleaners only in for an hour at a time. She clearly doesn't have time to do what you're asking. Her priority is rightly with what your husband has asked her to do.

Either get your own cleaner or being a sahm with no kids 6 hours a day - do it yourself

One of those AIBU where the OP is told they emphatically are but refuse to see it.
Agree that if OP wants a cleaner, get off your arse and earn your own money to pay for one. Stop being a sponger.

Have a think about the impact on his life if you weren't there? He'd save more than enough to be able to afford another cleaner. Tread carefully here if you want to be a kept woman.

A word of advice though, it's generally not sensible to rely on men to fund you for your entire life. It sounds like he's getting sick of it already.

I think ur quite cheeky tbh.
But then I have strong views on being independent and would never let a man finance me or my kids.

He's financing himself, his own kids, you, and your kids that arent his.

Your kids are in ft school and you complained about the housework you have to do on all of your days off while he's working full time to fund you being able to he at home?

He's now paying a cleaner to clean after himself and his kids. And you're now complaining that you have to clean up after yourself and your own kids with all the free time you have while he's out working each day?

How would you cope if you separated and you had to fund you and your kids lifestyle and home? While also doing all the household duties? Which most women do.

Mind boggling.

Well not really as she would need to go out and earn a wage to support herself

@justasmalltownmum

lol no she wouldn’t, she’d have to go get a job! As well as all the housework, cooking and cleaning for her and her kids. She’d have loads more on her plate!

How do you work that out?

if anything the DH should get rid of OP and save himself a load of money.

I think the OP is having a little joke to see how many pages can be achieved...

I've reached the same conclusion.

She just values the agreement and she agreed to certain pay for certain tasks.
Not ok to demand more. If you want her to work harder and fit more tasks in her time for the same pay- it's not fair.
Pay her extra for extra tasks. I don't think he instructed her to refuse you. She is just assertive and you want to take advantage of her

Male perspective here

Sooooo, let me get this straight, you're a SAHM looking after only your children whilst your partner/husband goes to work and I assume pays the bills (I assume you claim tax credits which in theory are from his earnings, so basically his) just before you say you pay for it all yourself and you can't find the time to iron his cloths after openly saying your kids are in primary school so what are you doing then whilst they are there?

Your partner is very tolerant in even getting a person in to help do the things he needs help with so to even suggest you get some extra help is in all honesty an insult!

If I were him I would definitely go my separate way as what does he actually need you for "the riveting conversation" in all honestly he's better off on his own or actually finding someone that will not make his life harder.

Her children are at school and they are not his children, so not saving him a fortune in childcare or anything. The OP and her children are an expense he would not have if the relationship were to end.

Please tell me exactly what he role is? No wonder with most of the comments on here agreeing with her that most men are now staying single it's shocking what you expect but give nothing in return.

What is her role exactly? Her kids are in school most of the day and she doesn't work and he does, if you can't see what's wrong here then wow, just wow!

I thought being a SAHM meant you took care of the cleaning, ironing cooking etc. I didn't have the luxury of being a SAHM and even if I did I still wouldn't have done it. I worked 2 jobs and still managed to clean iron cook etc and raise 2 boys. What has the world come to!

There’s 168 hours in a week and you don’t work but your saying you don’t have time to do simple house chores that full time working mums do on a daily basis… also someone else irons your husbands clothes etc and now you want them to help you do yours aswell ?

Presumably she'd have to get a job to support her children, and she'd still have to cook and clean for them, which is pretty much all she's doing now. How is that less?

Omg! Like so many posters have said before me…..you’re off your rocker.
WHAT are you doing all day? WHY don’t you recognise you’re being completely financially taken care of?
And your main whinge about having to pick up after him…:he forked out to help solve that problem too.
Hope he’s on mumsnet so he can absorb all this and kick you to the curb.
You’re doing all the hard working sahms and struggling working mums such a disservice. Sort yourself out.

I am flabbergasted beyond reason that your husband would hire a cleaner and do this . That is so pathetic and selfish. The cleaner is there for the household . If he objects then you need to be thinking of going back to work as someone suggested and 50:50 the housework .

Seriously? 🙄

The cleaner has good boundaries. You sound lazy and ungrateful.

Unless I missing something you’re a CF. He’s funding you to be a SAHM for children that aren’t his, and you’ve refused to iron his shirts which presumably he needs to go out and earn the money that funds you and your children. Now that he’s having to pay a cleaner to do what you won’t, you’re wanting her to help you to lighten your load even further?
i genuinely don’t understand.

Ya, she has to be taking the absolute piss. No sane person would think that this man has not been anything but far more than reasonable.

No, the cleaner is NOT there for the household. The cleaner is there to specifically do what she was hired for... the jobs this woman is whinging about, namely ironing a few shirts and kids clothes (who are only there half the time) and keeping the kids room and his office straight.

OP is the one being pathetic and selfish, as well as lazy and ungrateful for the comfortable situation she's afforded by her DH.

What the hell is she doing all week that she can't take these jobs on herself? When her husband is paying for her to be a SAHM parent to HER OWN children and mind HER mother.

What do you do while your kids are at school? Over and above what you'd do without DH and his kids being there. (Who are now helped by the cleaner?)
Struggling to think why you feel hard done by.

Aah, have read your further update - so in her 2 hours a week she does the ironing which by your own admittance you didn't do (and who would blame you!). That this might generally be his and his children's clothes is immaterial. I don't know what you're complaining about.
If you have any ironing from tbe rest of the family, put it on the ironing pile too.
I can't imagine the "tidying of the stepchildren bedrooms" takes long if they're only with you every other weekend, so just use her for ironing.