To ask DH’s cleaner to help me as well

[Suefr]

We are a large blended family with 5 children in total, but no joint children. DH’s children (secondary school) are slightly older than mine (primary school) but we all get on well. His children come and stay with us on alternative weeks and his system works well for us.

As I am a SAHM I do most of the housework and cooking, and I am fine with this. However, a few months ago I became annoyed at the amount of housework I was expected to do and the lack of support from DH. In particular, he was annoyed that I wasn’t ironing his clothes and I was upset at being treated like a maid.
As a compromise, DH hired a neighbour’s cleaner to help. She can only do 1 hour twice a week. She comes to our house when she finishes at our neighbour’s. In these 2 hours she will wash and iron DH & his children’s clothes, and tidy his office and their bedrooms. However, she will politely decline any requests I make for help. I have spoken to DH and he has fobbed me off, telling me that she is helping us out. But it’s obvious, she is there only to help him out and not me.

The cleaner is being paid to iron the husband and his kids' clothes. The OP didn't want to do it so he made arrangements so that she wouldn't have to. If she doesn't want to iron her own children's things then she needs to make arrangements so that she doesn't have to.

What does he actually do around the house? Does he have a profession that takes him away for over 12 hours, like a commute (1-2 hours each end) or is he working in a hospital with unpredictable emergencies? If not then he could do more to help, otherwise you are a 1950's housewife with no time to yourself in between cleaning, cooking, washing/ironing. Depending on his work, I would be serving up very simple meals and looking for a part-time job (as a cleaner)! Then you will have some money of your own.

What on earth have you got yourself into?!
I would have him out in a trice for this.
AKA, Self respect.

He's the one who needs to get some self respect not her.

Seems like he does what I do. Outsource the housework.

He is supporting you and your children and has to employ a cleaner to iron his clothes and his children' you are a SAHM and you are complaining, you should have time to do housework when the children are at school. If you want the cleaner to help you then iron his shirts and the cleaner can spend the time helping you or get a job and get your own cleaner.

She said he washes his own clothes and his kids' clothes, and now he's outsourced their ironing and cleaning. So anything she is doing is for herself and her kids, with the exception of cooking dinner. She has six hours a day free, she should be able to manage with plenty of free time.

Can you please explain why he a tool?

Unless OP really is a 1950s housework with no access to modern appliances, then she should have huge amounts of time between cleaning, cooking, washing/ironing. I know people object to this comment, but there are plenty of working mums who manage that and their paid job.

My first thought was to have the clothes and dried so ready to iron? This will give more time for her to clean. I would so grateful to have a couple of extra hours a week help. 💓

Thinking the same, just keeping on top of housework daily 🤔

I agree with this tbh (maybe I am jealous that you don't have to work apart from the housework that I do after I work)

Well if she has him out she needs to start supporting herself so …

Well he got a cleaner to cover the tasks op was complaining about and saying she didn’t want to do.

based on your comment you presumably agree housework shouldn’t be 50:50 so not sure what you are seeing as the issue

You have time to look after your DM because of your husband.
If you were single, you would need to work, do all the housework and school runs.

He's enabling you to be home amd look after the house.
Kids are at school all day. Are you at your mum's everyday for hours?

Marriage is a two way street. You can't expect him to work full time and come back to do chores when you're home all day.

He got the cleaner after you complained, you complained because you're unappreciative,
he instructed the cleaner to do his & his Kids stuff only as he can see you're only in it for yourself, so he's doing the same.
Resentment will build up and you'll drift apart.

You need to be contributing to the household, either monetarily or working in the home.
Nothing like a free lunch OP.
You should want to help your partner by lessening the load.

PP are tight in that you need to manage your time better, it's absolutely possible to be on top of housework, even if you had 1 or 2 Kids at home with no special needs.

Yours are gone for a good chunk.

Do you spend your time on social media or watching tv?

Pull your finger out OP.

Why can't you do the housework?

Also, by helping him out, she's also helping you as you then have less to do.

You sound entitled or lazy OP.

This!!!!

So you're a SAHM, which he is supporting. Do you get an allowance from him as well? You get maintenance for your children from your ex. He hires a cleaner to help with his study, children's rooms who are there weekends only and ironing, which is reducing what you need to do. You want a cleaner to do your stuff as well so you can do what? Your children are at school, you say you look after your parents, are you there all day everyday? If you are then some help would be fair enough. A lot of people have to juggle children, housework, shopping, caring for parents and work, I'll include myself in that. It's called getting on with it. I'm trying to understand what you expect!

You have the luxury of having 30hrs a week of free time, so you should be more than capable of keeping up with the household chores and caring for your mum. You need to organise yourself better. Many women, have jobs, caring responsibilities etc and still manage to do the housework. Count yourself lucky and stop being lazy.

OP is not that stupid. Atm , he is supporting her and HER kids financially, enabling her to look after them and her mum and paying for someone to do his share of the chores.

Is she left, she'd still have to do everything she does now and work to support herself and the kids.

What now? What has he got himself into more like.

She’s got herself into a relationship that is massively unequal!

she does little and her DH does a lot!

I’m not sure how she engineered that, but she’s managed.

If anyone needs to be out in a trice it’s her.

You're a CF

genuinely don’t mean to be rude but if he is happy to cover family finances so that you can be a SAHM then I’m really not sure why you are moaning about doing the tasks expected of a SAHM??