Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

You are the main breadwinner - why do you need this 60+ years old loser? Why? What is the point?

Not needing to be financially supported by a man and financially supporting a man are 2 different things. PPs are pointing out that you are financially supporting him fully + doing all of the house works and the mental load. By definition, he is a cocklodger, I'm afraid. The antidote is that he starts sharing the load and find a paid job, not that he starts to financially support you.

After your updates I think you should hire a cleaner.
Clearly he won't change, you won't ask him to leave, so that's the solution, so you don't have to work all day and then come home to work some more. He will think all his Christmases have come at once but as you said, you are happy if he's happy.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
You can't 'fix' this.

Giving him lists of tasks won't help much, as most of the discrete 'tasks' will be done by the cleaner. From what I see, the issue is more him not doing simple things like putting his mug in the dishwasher or laundry in the basket.

OP - move back out ASAP.
You are currently on the pathway to be his 'nurse with a purse', i.e. responsible for caring for him in his retirement whilst also funding the household.

You can still be in a relationship, just not live together.

If he didn’t change, I would leave. This is a dealbreaker for me. I vowed as a child I would never be treated like my mum was, and would be with somebody who shared childcare and domestic duties. As a result, I have an equal relationship.

He does not need special training to pick up his socks and wash his clothes and dishes and cook basic meals. I would find this incredibly unattractive in a man: a huge turn off. Ugh.

Write him a detailed weekly rota of everything that needs to be done so he has something to follow as this will not come natural to him. This rota will be the same every week so you will only have to do it once

So he has gone from one long term relationship to the next without ever having to live on his own and do things for himself. Do you not find that odd?

Probably all now good friends, have set up a counselling agency called The Great Escape! Best selling book coming out called Ditching the (Un) Domesticated Male!

This is not your problem to solve, it is his. Whatever he has to do, write lists or schedules, make reminders throughout the day on his phone, just take some bloody responsibility, it is for him to do, commit to, and accept. You are not his parent and treating him like a child will severely affect your relationship. I can’t believe a man in his 60s has such a severe case of weaponised incompetence. Don’t accept it.

So who did his life admin in the four years where you were in a relationship but not living together? he wasn't living with another woman then.

He lodged with a friend for a year
What about before?
Did you stay at his place?
What was that like?

This sounds like something a mother would do for a child. This man is 60.

Seems like living apart would be best. You like him but he's useless domestically, so just have the good bits and remove the bad.

What does he do all day long while you are at work?

I think he would quickly move on to another housekeeper /maid/bedwarmer if you separated.

Bit like expecting people who like smoking to want to give up...

I get that totally @glensof -what I would do is insist on a modest but fixed contribution every month towards bills and food - he would have that if on his own - plus he himself pays for a cleaner/ironer to do a clean for 2 hours a week plus an hours ironing-

Between that he needs to get a grip on keeping it right day to day and doing at least his own admin and any house admin too - tell him to think of it like 'a job' - if he had a business he's more than capable, he's choosing not to be ,unless he's seriously ill-

not sure where all the "cocklodger" and "bin him" come from It came from the fact that he’s living off you and contributing nothing?! You’re out working long hours making all the money to support the both of you, meanwhile man can’t even pick up his socks off the floor..
How can you possibly find this attractive? Especially at your age?

You are not compatible!

I have been a homemaker for 20 years.
All good (yes, I have separate assets and my decent husband pays into my pension).
If you earn the living, he will have to become the homemaker.
Good luck with that. 🍀
OH -
another thought - drop him. 💧

That won't help - they have a cleaner.
Having to write every single tiny little thing like 'put socks in the laundry basket' on a list is not going to work

This was my thought. Get him to download the app and work through the tasks.
He can teach himself, that isn't your job.

If you're determined to stay in this relationship, at the VERY LEAST stop doing his life admin or anything that doesn't impact you directly.

His car isn't charged? Tough, he doesn't go anywhere or he gets the bus (assuming it's his car and you have your own).
Forgets a dentist's appointment? Tough, he can suck up the no-show charge.

Don't do any of his washing or ironing, if you can't bear to leave his socks on the floor, chuck 'em in a laundry basket and don't give them another thought.

Shame you're super busy at work and won't have time to cook from scratch, frozen pizza or beans on toast for the forseeable.

You get the picture.

This is so ridiculous. An intelligent man who can run a business can absolutely run a household. I would be so resentful and would not be able to feel attraction towards a man like this.

I assume he moved into your place. Being very generous to him here, maybe he doesn’t feel at home or maybe you want things your way? Maybe read “Fair Play” by Rodsky, I think she also has a deck of cards with the same name. The deck of cards is meant as an aid to couples to sort out who’s responsible for what in the house.

OP, you sound very much in the ‘crush’ stage. Where his laziness is a cute foible to be pitied, rather than pathetic weaponised incompetence. Stop making excuses for him and think whether you want to be charging his car and picking up his socks for another 20 years.

How has your fanny not shriveled up and died??? He doesn't think magic fairies cook dinner and wash up, he knows women do it and he has been happy for 40 years for multiple women to do this for him because he thinks it's women's work. It's sexist and it's deeply unpleasant.
I'm baffled about why you'd want to salvage something with such an epic cocklodger, but if you do then the only way you can is to move out until he is belatedly housetrained. That's the only way he's going to learn the stuff the rest of us learned as teens.

The reality is that the only reason those previous relationships lasted as long as 10 years is that he was funding his partners to stay at home and pick up after him.

I expect the charm of his personality wears off a lot faster when it is the only thing he is bringing to the table.