Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

The more you keep doing all this, the less respect he'll have for you - because you're showing you'll put up with it.

He already sees you as a maid.

I'm sorry, you're not going to change him at his age.

Yep he is a cocklodger, doesn’t earn or pay and expects you to do everything in the house while working FT. Health issues don’t excuse him he sounds like a lazy sod. He won’t change either why would he?

Well, if you don't want to break up with him then you need to have a frank talk with him Op. Tell him as you're making the money he doesn't get to sit at home and do nothing useful - make a list of all the things he should be doing and when he should be doing them. It goes against the grain for me to suggest this but if he has a list then he has no get out, he needs to make himself useful, he needs to get over the idea that the fairies do everything by magic. Do not start doing everything

Honestly? This has rather jumped out at me. It’s one thing to ask your partner to pick up your socks and cook your dinner (for all that it annoys his partner) but it’s quite another to expect this of a friend’s wife. Particularly as the friend and his wife were providing him with accommodation.

I like my husband’s friends very much but I’m damned if I’ll book their dentist appointments for them.

he will honestly never ever change, it’s not your job to teach him these things

Dump him he's an idiot

Also this is the honeymoon period when you’ve just started going out and he’s trying to impress. What on earth would he be like in 10 years with his feet under the table?

Indeed. He thinks women exist to wait on him.

What happened to the three exes?

He's financially independent if he was to live (modestly) on his own, but not to the extent where he can easily afford a full-time homemaker partner as he used to.

I want a somewhat higher standard of living (for both of us) and that's why I choose to go and make good money. Yes, he enjoys the results of my work too, but this is my voluntary choice and I am very happy to do so. My job is often long hours and stressful, but I enjoy it too - it is not soul draining and I am not slaving away at a factory to pay for a cleaner.

Early 60s?? Yeah he’s never going back to work then

I’m sorry OP, I’m sure it’s horrible reading post after post saying leave him but seriously how can you not see how much he’s taking the piss??

"he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life"

Oh he fucking can. If he's able to hold down a job, then he can clean after himself and think of food and essentials to buy. If he were single, he would immediately learn how to do all of those things.
He's playing you like a mug, like he's done in all his relationships. He's letting you remind him every minute task ad nauseam until you give up because it's fucking grinding, and you just do it for him. He knows exactly what he's doing.

He can do flyady or unfuck your habitat. Those lay it allll out. And OP, not seeing the mess means he wouldn’t see your mess either. I know total slobs like that and gross as it is, at least they aren’t hypocrites.

I think you need to chat. And maybe you can be partners and live separately. It’s pretty common for later partnerships. Much less drama.

Amazing that he can find the energy to pull out all the stops for enjoyable activities like conversation or sex yet can’t put any effort into wiping down a benchtop or doing a wash.

Also, this is who he is and how he views women.

So even if he did change, he'll only revert back.

Try a different tactic. I assume he’s capable of using a computer of some sort? Get him to Google a task, or a recipe, anything that requires him doing something. Then tell him to get stuck in and give it a go. If he’s not working, not doing any house work or DIY, you need to know what he is doing, and get him to spend his time a little bit better, perhaps if he shows willing, give some credit, try and be positive. By the sounds of it, microwaving an M&S ready meal might be a chore, but he surely cannot go too far wrong with this? Build up his survival skills from there?

It's a difficult one. Is him moving out but maintaining a relationship with you an option?

Tell him to get online and find one of the many chore organizing services that are available. The kind that list out every single task that needs to be completed every day, week, month, and year.

they will all say you may have to make some adjustments for your life and the checklists will have space for write-in items so you may have to occasionally tell him to write in an item. In an egalitarian household that would be ok, DH and I help remind one another all the time. so helping him a little with the list is ok.

then he works the list. It might not perfectly match what really is the best way for your household to run, but he needs someplace to start. Eventually he can figure out his own system.

I was completely clueless and unprepared for adult life too, and I had to figure it out, and fast.

I’m baffled trying to understand why you think this is your problem to fix. Tbh that’s the reason you’ve ended up with a manchild.

Raise your bar.

OP, don’t nag. You just need to have a serious conversation with him. He can change but only if he is willing to. If he isn’t willing to then he doesn’t respect you.

So who owns the shared property now or is it jointly rented? Has he any assets/his own house somewhere or anything at all to his name? If he says he lost everything in the business or due to ill health, how sure are you of that? What does he contribute to the running of the household, you said you pay for the cleaner. What about bills, CT, car insurance, maintenance, and so on?

Have you had any breaks or holidays since you met? Who paid for them.

I'm just curious as to how he suddenly appears to have ended up destitute and fell into your arms at just the right time. Or maybe he has a big stash somewhere and is not telling you about it!

I'm going against the grain here. You posted asking for advice on how to address this and have had nothing but abuse at your OH.

We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints -

Perhaps you haven't been clear enough that it's a deal breaker, do that. But at the same time as a one off, write down all the things that he doesn't do that you want done. Be detailed about what you expect, how and when. Explain about the mental load as well as the socks / cooking. Also explain how you have underplayed it for peace. (Never be a drudge with a grudge, either do it happily or don't do it).

He’s never going to change - this is who he is. He could make the effort to learn to do all these things, but he’d prefer to be told by someone else.

Your entire post is drowning in foolish naivety if you to think things with this man will ever be any different. This is what life looks like with him. Either accept it, or leave him. Those are your two choices.

Wow how did he find four women who would do everything for him?

Sit him down. Show him this or alternatively just say that you love him but you need a fully functional adult to share your life with. Tell him he is obviously very capable but the house doesn't run itself and the many daily weekly monthly tasks that make up running a house are not wife work. Explain that he needs to step up and do his fair share without you haven't to show him more than once, or remind him or otherwise do the thinking for him. Explain this is a non negotiable part of the relationship. If he loves you he will step up. If he doesn't he can ship out because quite frankly life is too short.