Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

So who's been doing his housework before he moved in your place (I'm the answer isn't his mother)

To be honest, if repeat reminders to pick up his socks haven’t stuck, I wouldn’t hold out any hope for him becoming capable of the complex sequence of actions involved in getting a shirt through the washing, drying, ironing and folding process, or cooking a meal with multiple components.

One wonders how these apparently infantile men were able to manage in the corporate world.

"He genuinely doesn't see the tasks".

Did ye, aye?!

He has now decided that you are the one.

To take care of him in his old age. That's his plan now, and he's getting you ready for the changing of the adult nappies by feigning incompetence right now.

What on earth have I just read!
He does NOTHING, can't even sort out his own appointments and bills, contributes zero financially and you are providing for him.
This isn't a relationship, it's abuse and codependency.

"No-one falls in love faster than a man who needs somewhere to live"
How on earth can you find him attractive ?

How can he be sexy? Just how? With his yucky socks everywhere and unable to call his GP? He sounds 5.

His friend’s wife! I bet she wakes up every morning and thanks her lucky stars he got a girlfriend.

You do NOT have the same morals and values. He feels no guilt whatsoever over sponging off you and watching you do all the work. Amazing sex isn’t worth being treated like a cash cow and a slave. Bin the useless cocklodger and get yourself a vibrator.

It was more of a surprise than I would like to, yes.

"Nurse with a purse" 😂

There is nothing brilliant in this relationship. Cut your losses or stay but understand he won't change and you will always be his housemaid and provider.

It is that he can't he knows he doesn't have to. You only behave like this when you don't respect someone nor consider them your equal. He doesn't travel light, he expects to be carried.

Out of interest -Has he still got money- just not a job@glensof . I'm early 60s and have some sympathy having had a business( still have)

Because whilst I get that he may be the age of when many retire anyway ( well I'm
Presuming that) - I'm not sure in your position I would want to be hooked up with a man not bringing much to the table either fiscally or in terms of stepping up domestically however lovely he was -

What does he do when he finds this car isn’t charged or he has no clean socks?

He will never learn to do things if they are always done. The whole mental load of housework is thinking of these tasks BEFORE they are needed rather than waiting until someone tells you.

He knows how to charge his car, he knows how to pick up a sock. What he needs to learn is the thinking and you can’t teach him that. He has to experience it.

Tell him ONCE ‘can you do a food shop this week?’ and then do not mention it again. Shocker, there will soon be very little food in the house. That’s ok, you can grab drive through on your way to work.
Dont wash his stuff - he will have no clothes. Don’t charge his car - he will have a dead car.

Its really that simple.

Jesus wept.

Surely if he regards women as homemakers he sees men as the breadwinners? But, due to his health issues, he's managed to cope with you being the only one bringing in any income. Strange how a kind, sensitive, intelligent man can't make the massive leap to realise that somebody, who is at home every day, should become responsible for homemaking. You sound easygoing so maybe you can be bothered to spoonfeed him with lists of daily tasks. I have a feeling that you will decide it's just easier to do it yourself (or increase your cleaner's hours).

If he wants to learn he will. As someone who has run a successful business perhaps you can try to approach this from a problem at work solving exercise?

So he can, with your help, make a spreadsheet of all the tasks that need doing and who is responsible

clearing away coffee cups or crockery and loading the dishwasher. Both are responsible and this is every single time you use an item.

Emptying the bin. James. When it’s full, smelly or the day of bin collection.

House and car insurance. Sarah. Yearly

Tidying bedroom. Both. Each time you are in there.

I just don't buy the 'he doesn't see what needs to be done' nonsense. He's an adult, he's run a business. He knows that shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning, life admin etc all need to be done. He's just happy to leave it all to you. If you're working and he's not, he should be doing the vast majority of it.

You need to stop pussyfooting around the subject and confront it head on. Write a comprehensive list of all household tasks and admin that needs to be done. Stick it on the kitchen wall. Tell him that as you're working full time, he is responsible for most of these tasks. Then STOP doing them. If he doesn't pick up the slack, let him be inconvenienced by it - haven't done the laundry? No clean clothes! Haven't been shopping? No food in the house! You have been enabling his laziness for too long 🤷‍♀️

So just as he gets news that his career is over he decides to move in with you as full time earner and full time everything elser. And he's had how many wives/gfs/random women looking after him before you? Time to kick him out so he can find his next female carer. He's never going to voluntarily change and you are never going to insist he changes so you might as well get rid of him now while it's still relatively easy.

I think he saw you coming. Interesting you call him supportive, when he basically lets you run around doing all the work. There are other words for that behaviour.

What a user!

OP - 3 failed long term relationships - did he hop straight from one to the next with only a short gap, or has he lived alone for year or so between? If he has lived alone for a year here or there and yet hasn’t learned to do anything domestically- he’s not going to learn at 60 even if you get annoyed.

And Mary too........ as well as anyone else with a modicum of commonsense.

For goodness, @glensof , give your head a wobble and cut your losses.

This has got to be a windup.

How is your relationship brilliant if he is ok with you doing everything. The dude is looking for a mummy .

Sounds like he has landed on his feet with you OP!