Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

It’s also not brilliant in the aspect that he is a lazy cocklodging manchild.

Your English is great, it’s not that. It’s the fact that your partner is lazy and doesn’t pull his weight. You should come home to a spotless house with shopping done and dinner made. This will actually piss you off more with time-you won’t get used to it and more fool you if you do. He would give me the ick-no one wants to live with a 60 yr old who has a 13 yr old mindset.

Thank you! I was lucky enough to have 54 years with an amazing husband so I always feel sorry when I read posts like this. That said, our brilliant marriage didn’t just happen. We had our ups and downs but we worked it all out and it was wonderful. I could have thrown him into the sea on occasion 😂 but overall it was brilliant.
If I could have a wish, it would be for everyone to have a marriage like ours.

ha ha

He’s a useless, unemployed (60YO?) bum who can’t pick his own socks up. What attracted you to this absolute catch?

Hugely financially successful in the past or is that just the yarn he’s spun you?

Multiple ex wives/girlfriends with/without children and he was used to them being SAH dogsbodies?

Get rid before Captain grubby socks starts eyeing up your pension because I’ll bet that’s the next thing.

This. Which bits are good?!

This l was going to suggest making a list.

Oh Fuck - imagine having to make a list for a grown man of what basic tasks need to be done ti maintain basic living standards!

imagine having to go to that effort and sit and think through everything he needs to do and write it out. Every little fucking task. How depressing. Does he need to be told to get dressed? Have a shower? Brush his teeth?

can he look in the fridge and see what food is needed, or does he need this explained?

If he is of basic intelligence he doesn’t need a list. He is just a lazy sexist pig who is used to being babied by the women in his life.

how on earth does any women tolerate this shit. I would never make a list!

In your circumstances I'd see if you can get an Occupational Therapist to come and assess the situation. You'll probably need to find one privately.

There's the potential that his illness / the treatment has damaged his executive function. And the potential that he's fatigued again from the illness / treatment. It may not be the case that the entire problem is him being used to having a partner at home full time. Even if it is, OTs are the right professionals to teach missing skills, including organisation.

May be worth selling this on the basis that neither of you is young so he needs skills to be independent (or at least independent enough to buy in the help he needs). There's obvious stuff Martin Lewis says about people being in a practical/ financial pickle when a partner dies because they handled everything.

If the relationships are such as to make the questions ok, what do his children and ex partners think?

Every single answer from the OP to a question, explains/gives some excuse for the situation. I'm thinking "nowt as deaf as those who don't want to hear"

Ah, forgot that.

Unbelievable. Please stop. You deserve so much better

If you love him so much sounds like you have to accept him as he is. If he doesn’t help you he will still live with you. Just do him a list like other pp have said and if he doesn’t help you are going to have to suck it up can’t force him. maybe he likes the idea of being taken care of like his other partners did. Sometimes people are just really lazy selfish people and he sounds like one of them maybe u mother him and this is how he wants relationships to be.

He's the one who needs to work on it - fix it not you!

Agree.

Is he telling porkies about his 'successful' life so that OP does not feel like he is a sponging freeloader?

You don't need to fix anything. He does.

This isn't a can't thing. It's a won't one.

He understands he just doesn't care, and he doesn't need to because you keep picking up after him and think this is your problem to fix. So he doesn't have a problem..

Is anything his fault?

"dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes."

You're booking his dentist?

Yep. A man in his 60’s who the OP describes as exceptionally financially successful doesn’t even own a one bedroom flat? And when he’s between partners he lives in his mates spare room - he can’t even stretch to renting a flat or terrace house?

Something doesn’t quite add up regarding the career and financial success of this prince among men

Fuck the list. It is not OP's job to should yet another task for a weaponised incompetent.

OP, does this sound familiar? Women's Mental Load and 'You Should Have Asked'.

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

And despite your generosity he can't pick up his own socks or wash his cup when he's free all day?

Why is this good enough?

@glensof OP if you’re still out there - please don’t feel this is just a Mumsnet pile on.
It’s unanimous outrage on your behalf. It’s vocal & brutally honest because it’s the truth. Please try ro open your eyes! You’re being taken completely for a ride. Your good nature & kind heart & desire to be with someone & not alone - is skewing how you view this man. As women & sisters were trying to help. And all of us can’t be wrong 💐

I think you lost me at “at all his previous partners/wives”

The man in question is a parasite.

This. I'm living with a partner who had 2 severe health issues in 3 months. It has definitely affected his energy levels, his mental health and his cognitive ability. Other people don't see it. After being with him for 40 years I do. Could it be that your dp is the same? Wishing you well!