Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

Yes. This. Did he leave his previous partner and move straight in with you?

If not, then he presumably had his own home, managed to pay his bills, buy food, cook meals, clean clothes etc. He could do it. He’s just too selfish and lazy.

You actually don’t have to suck it up at all. OP can ask him to move out back to his mate’s spare room or whatever else juvenile shit he wants to do. No one ever has to suck it up when poor behaviour is involved. He’s a lazy prick and i don’t believe half the stories he’s told OP either. A man who has been that successful and has managed to have three families, is not incapable, he just chooses to be. Lazy wanker.

The answer to your question is, you need to stop doing any of this stuff yourself. Even if just for a transitional period, resist the urge to do any of it. He needs to understand how it feels to live in a dirty house and be hungry, until he feels motivated to do something about it himself. Don’t protect him from the consequences of his own inaction by doing stuff yourself.

You can discuss this with him as a deliberate plan because if he’s a nice as you say he is, he will definitely be wanting to change his ways.

You will also have to endure the dirty house (although you could potentially do your own laundry and cook your own food) but it should be worth it in the long run.

if you keep taking the short term/easy way out (and doing things yourself) you'll never be quite happy or quite fulfilled together. a small effort now will be well rewarded in the longer term.
i think you have two very clear things to consider, ideally together, and decide how you want to move forward.
the second thing is which jobs are to be done by whom: him, you, cleaner, household-secretary.
the first thing is how those jobs are to be done.
i would suggest you introduce a new job each day, with an ideal frequency of repetition. each job should ideally be learned via a youtube instruction, but some might need written instructions from you.
eg: walk around the house picking up all dirty/discarded clothing, towels, etc; divide by colour and then by washing temperature, follow youtube instructions for washing largest pile of clothes each day. (and now is the time to set patters for hanging out wet clothes, rather than using drier and warming the globe.)
or: look at car insurance/mot papers and find date for renewal, enter date a fortnight ahead onto calendar; when date arises phone around for possible cheaper price (for equal cover) and ensure cover is arranged in good time.
each task to be repeated several times before deciding who should do it "until circumstances change".
that way you can both work on agreeing a happy balance, of which jobs should be done in-house and which outsourced, while your partner gains an understanding of what those jobs actually involve.
good luck however you decide to move forward.

Just do less and less slowly,he might get the hint..but he might not lol..my husband is a bit unhelpful round the house ie he doesn't think to run the hoover round etc but if I ask him he does whatever I need,he says he just doesn't think which I respect as when asked he does it...looks like you've got a bit of training to do...good luck🙃😅

I don't understand how a woman can be sexually attracted to a man whom they have to mother. It's weird.

in answer to OP question rather than just to slate the guy which serves no purpose at all

you need to get together get organised write it down.do a list of everything that needs doing .a daily list

tbh if he’s never done it for 40 years he will be clueless he was never going to hit the ground running with this one

No that’s why the OP said ‘Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one:’.

it will take time. Take one thing at a time and teach him. For example start with picking up his socks etc and putting them in the laundry bin and progress to putting the laundry in the washing-machine and switching it on. If it doesn’t get done, be firm. Repetition and reinforcement are key. I have been married too such a man-child for 55 years. We’re getting there.

OP have you tried starting with a list of tasks you’d like him to do each day? From what you are saying, it may not be that he’s not willing but that he has a lack of awareness of what you need from him

He lodged with a friend for a year before moving into OP's house, and the friend's wife did all that stuff for him. 🙄He treats the women in his life, all of them, even the ones he's not in an intimate relationship with, as his slaves.

@Minglingpringle "The answer to your question is, you need to stop doing any of this stuff yourself. Even if just for a transitional period, resist the urge to do any of it. He needs to understand how it feels to live in a dirty house and be hungry, until he feels motivated to do something about it himself. Don’t protect him from the consequences of his own inaction by doing stuff yourself.

You can discuss this with him as a deliberate plan because if he’s a nice as you say he is, he will definitely be wanting to change his ways."

If he's as nice as the OP says he is, there would be no need for this crap. Because no adult man who can form adult relationships genuinely believes that clothes get clean by magic and a fairy cooks the dinner.

OP are you sure he can't afford the things you pay for? I bet he has loads in the bank but won't spend any of it.

Your English is perfect; it's your standards that are the problem.

He’s unlikely to change so if you’re not happy about this situation today imagine how you might feel six months / a year down the road.

Yep or Harry act daft!!

My DH was like this back along. So I stopped ✋️. Admittedly he has built a brilliant house for us and is very handy, but, we both work full time, I leave before him and get back after him. He works as a builder for himself. Originally his only jobs were in the house were to empty the kitchen bin and the dishwasher. These he does with no prompting. However, his work washing, separate to our ordinary washing, general tidying after ourselves, the clearing up after I have cooked dinner. I stopped. Nothing said. Not my circus anymore. And it worked. No 'nagging' needed. If he doesn't do his work clothes, his problem, dinner plates and pots, he puts them in the dishwasher. Even plumping cushions on sofa before bed, he does his share. He realised that he likes a nice tidy home and I am not his servant. I now have the power to walk out of the room and leave him to do things whereas before I would have jumped in and taken over. We all have our own monkeys in the circus, just choose which belong to whom. Good luck.

Making a list is another chore for OP to do for this man. People make lists for children. Employers make lists for employees.

do you make lists for your adult partner?

TLB. It’s weaponised incompetence.

If you both want the relationship to work with a more equitable division of labour (both mental and physical) it will probably cost you additional mental load initially in finding solutions to ‘teaching’ him how to manage in life.

For example, my BiL has learning disabilities and had always lived at home, when he then came to start living more independently he’d never cleaned a bathroom; I had to talk him through it, buy the products and then wrote him a timetable of what and when.

It strikes me that a student going to university might be in a similar place - are there any books on the subject that might be a place to start?

I know a man like this and I find it baffling that he seems so genuinely unaware what needs to be done with a strong belief in the 'pick things up, put them away close cupboard doors afterwards' fairy.

He's a friend of DPs that he met via an activity holiday and when they started doing trips away I decided to tag along because it meant I could spend a few days sitting around in the sun, swimming in a warm outdoor pool in a location I like very much, visiting museums etc and we could chill in the afternoon, go out for dinner etc.

I really think that DPs useless mate (who has a DP he lives with who must also be his cleaning and tidying fairy) thought he'd brought me so I could do the cooking and tidying etc so he was genuinely astonished when I sat outside admiring the view while DP made coffee for us both in the morning, also that I didn't clean up after them when they went out or do the grocery shopping because I just got myself ready and went out for the day and got back at about the same time as they did, when I'd join in with the cooling off in the pool and sitting around chatting with drinks.

So all the doors that he left open remained open, his food left out, clothes everywhere remained, his washing left in the machine and the only times I stepped in was to check that the external doors were closed when I went out and to remove the plastic bottle of olive oil that he left close to a still switched on hob that fortunately I found just before it was about to melt, go everywhere and probably set fire to the kitchen.

I read him the riot act after that because even if the 'only' consequence would have been to have to clean up a litre of oil that had leaked into every crevice in a kitchen it would have been catastrophic mess that he would probably have ignored. But there's a few in the group and I think they've all privately and collectively decided not to travel with him again for these sorts of reasons because it's like being in charge of a young teenager rather than travelling with a fully functioning adult and not worth the stress.

But for the OP, it sounds like you just can't live with him, unless you can send him away for a few months to 'adulting school'.

Getting a cleaner would solve part of your problem. The other part - appointments - this he CAN manage.

She has a cleaner.😂

Cleaners don't generally round up discarded clothing and used cups from all over the house, the cooking, washing up or laundry, etc etc.

It sounds like the OP is doing a lot of tidying before the cleaner can clean, which is obviously ridiculous because he could just put things in their proper place instead of dropping them everywhere or at least tidy round before the cleaner comes as well as the lion's share of cooking, laundry, DIY and gardening etc.

If he applied himself for a couple of hours a day it would make an enormous difference to the running of the household instead he's hugely adding to the OPs workload instead of making himself useful.

There are so many old threads on mumsnet about women who have themselves well set up (good home, good job etc) and then find themselves the targets of men missing home comforts.

I was never the main interest of men when I was younger, but its amazing how the tide turns when you own your own home how quickly a man who is homeless can 'fall in love'

This man brings nothing to the table for you. For previous wives he recognised that work around the home needed to be done, and was happy to pay to support them so they had the time to do that, whilst he earned. He knows what a nice home and home comforts are. With you, he's not bringing money in, he's allowing you to support him, and do all the 'wife work'. Why are you allowing him to treat you so much worse that his ex's?

If he loved you, he would want to take care of you. Whether that is financially, or by cooking you dinner, or by running the hoover round- because it makes you happy.

The fact is, he likes his life with you, he likes the set up. If he loved you, he would bring something to the table.

People talk about 'love languages' the things that mean a lot to them and are the physical ways they express their love. For some its gifts, for some its cooking, for some its giving of time- they vary hugely from person to person. What is his to you? What does he do, to go out of his way to show you that you mean the world to him?