Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

OP is a Nurse with a Purse with zero self respect.

Seriously? If he is the stay at home partner then housework is now all on him. Otherwise what is he good for??

is he an incredible shag?

Stop taking responsibilities for his and tell him that.

”I don’t think I should have this coming out of my account”
even if you transfer the money to him, that will still be his responsibility to have it running etc…

have a bill accounts for the automatic stuff such as mortgage etc. If you aren’t married and that you don’t want children, keep your finances separated as much as possible.

have your own account for your stuff.

Good luck 🌺

He was renting a room at his friends house and the mates wife did the housework.

Ita the OPs house - this man moved in to her place

Why would you want to live with such a thoughtless, lazy, selfish man? The way to fix it is easy. Dump him!!

OP just live separately and date him. This is not going to work.
He is obviously not stupid, so there is zero reason for this level of domestic incompetence

Just trawling through Ops later posts in disbelief. My DH is a company director of a FTSE100 company and while kids and smooth running of the house is kind of my domaine while I study for a degree, he absolutely does his share.

OP needs to get rid. Unless he’s an Adonis and amazing in bed…. No, actually scrub that. Just get rid…

after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic.

Yet, he hasn't bothered to start picking up after himself? That is unbelievably selfish and rude!

He spends his time doing voluntary work and no housework but he's quite nice and the sex is good so you're going to put up with it?! What a lucky boy.

I would say that if you want it to work, just ask him to pay for a cleaner to come every day. You are essentially the cleaner, and that's making you feel uncomfortable.

His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night

As gently as possible OP you need to stop making excuses for him.
He is a fully functioning adult who has been allowed to get away with unacceptable behaviour for a long time. No one needs to ‘learn’ not to leave used socks on the floor. They should never have been there in the first place. Even young children can put washing in the appropriate basket.
If you wish to be generous then tell him ONCE, very firmly, that he needs to put them in the washing basket, and the consequences of not doing so, eg they will be left there and he will eventually run out of socks, or that you will pick them up and bin them.
Point out to him that someone else took care of all of his personal and domestic needs because he provided all the household finance. Now the tables are turned and you are prepared to be reasonable in not expecting him to absolutely everything, but he must at least take responsibility for the majority of domestic matters.

@LostittoBostik Who are you to tell her that her life is worse for having this man in it? You don't know any of the finer details of her life history and neither do I.

I was responding to a woman posting a very public thread, she is unhappy in her relationship because her unemployed partner expects plenty of free labour from her. I have no idea of the "finer details" but the sex must be friggin amazing and the conversation something out of this world.

'priorities'.

stop being such an eejit OP, this bloke is having a laugh at your expense

Supportive? Where did you get that idea? He is a lazy misogynist git and I fail to understand how someone who is clearly well-educated and organised can want to be with such a man. Oh, hang on……..’the sex is amazing’.
He has got it made! You pay for him, you have sex with him, you buy everything he needs, you run the house, etc. etc. Where is your self-respect? I don’t care how ‘kind’ he is. He is using you and if you can’t see that, I am sorry for you.
Please get rid of him! He is useless, and he will wear you out.
However, I fear he has sucked you in already and it’s too late. You will be sorry when the novelty wears off.

You lost me at previous relationships and "wives". The fact they were all homemakers and left shows a pattern. His parents have clearly not done a great job showing him how to do basic things before he moved out. If he can't unlearn it and he's 40 then I don't have much hope. Sometimes as ladies it's important not to get with someone thinking we can change all the red flags we see. It appears the writing was on the wall. I know it seems harsh but you honestly need to evaluate the future with him. How can you be the breadwinner whilst doing everything at home??

Ten hundred claps for you seriously because that's exactly what it is!

Stop. Do nothing. He’s not your job, he’s just idle. Let the socks fester. Show him how to use the washing machine. Move out.

I can’t believe the number of women who genuinely believe men of normal intelligence cannot understand that dishes need washed, floors vacuumed, toilets cleaned, insurance reviewed.

He doesn’t need to be given a list. He needs to stop being lazy and selfish.

if he lived alone he would have to do these things - and he could: he just doesn’t want to.

Why ever did you move in with this man?You must have known what he was like.and your expectations of what a relationship should be are totally at odds with each other. The answer to your question is that you can’t fix it. You can’t change another person’s total attitude to life. If you insist on staying with him you are going to have to accept that you will always be doing the lion’s share of domestic duties. The best I think you can hope for is that he starts to do a little more than nothing. Start small see if there are one or two jobs that he is prepared to take on. For instance, I haven’t loaded a dishwasher in 30 years. Once he has taken on a job under no circumstances must you ever do that job yourself however badly it is done. He must have complete responsibility for that job. Gradually you might be able to pass on more and more jobs to lighten your load. Good luck. You have a hard task ahead of you.

I don’t think the OP will be back as she’s convinced herself none of us get what she’s saying and sgd doesn’t want to hear that she’s a nurse with a purse to a freeloading cocklodger with a string of ex wives behind him who lost patience with having to wipe his arse

It seems that a decent shag and a few chats about geopolitics is the bar she’s set for herself to tolerate bankrolling and being a servant to the useless lump.

It’s her house he’s cocklodging in and so he should be the one to go but he’s got his feet well and truly under the table

He's trained you well - how can you seriously say he doesn't genuinely see the pile of his dirty clothes on the floor and the stack of dirty dishes. Nonsense - he has eyes like you.

@Bellyblueboy if he lived alone he would have to do these things - and he could: he just doesn’t want to.

He always finds women willing to engage in free labour for him, at least the ex wives were being paid for being SAHM's so they were getting something out of it, the OP is paying his bills and giving him all the free labour on top. Men have been providers for centuries and I have no problem at all with roles changing (it was time!) problem is this is not the case, she is being the provider plus the free labour.

If money isn't an issue, why don't you live apart. Then you get all the good bits of him and not the crappy ones.

I don't think that you will be able to tolerate this long term and I think it will eventually end your relationship

We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic.

So why hasn't he started clearing up after himself then? Because he knows you'll do it and he prefers that option that's why.

I really hope the sex and conversation are out of this world because it's costing you a lot to have him in your life, not just financially but in terms of household jobs and mental load.

He’s never gonna change, he believes these tasks are beneath him and women’s work, believe me - this will chip away at you until you’re resentful and no longer attracted to the big man baby. Why do you think the other women in his life have fucked off? He can manage a complex job but can’t work out how to use a vacuum or washing machine? Nah, get out now and find yourself a complete adult. Wish I had.