Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

Sign him up to the Organised Mum method.

Plenty more homeless, workless men out there in need of free housing and housekeeping. Why choose this one? He must be very special for you to value his wants and needs above your own.

I'm also from a family of northern men and I don't think it's even a tiny little bit normal or common that a man in his early 60s can't put his own socks in a washing basket or take a dirty mug into the kitchen, or who thinks that dinner magically appears on the table every evening as if produced by fairies, or who can't even phone a sodding dentist or hairdresser himself. A man now in his early 60s was born in 1962/63, not 1862, FFS. My northern grandfathers were half a century older than this useless tosser and were not even a fraction as domestically incapable.

Based on what you have said, I would seriously consider that one of you moves out to a property a very short distance away. You could then still share meals in the evening, be a couple, do sleepovers, support him financially if you want!
Then propose this remains the status quo for you as a couple either for the rest of your lives, or until he learns basic domestic skills, whichever is sooner.

He’s not a great catch. He’s a dependent. He can’t even cook or pay a bill by himself. That’s inexcusable at his age. A man who can’t do basic tasks like that is an embarrassment and I wish women wouldn’t make excuses for them. It’s nothing to do with him being a successful, important man in the world of work and everything to do with lazy stereotypes that mean he’s has never had the slightest willingness to learn to cook himself food or deal with a bill. A woman in his life will always be there to do it for him. He’s never even lived independently so god knows what would happen if you were ever seriously ill.

He needs to pay for a cleaner / housekeeper to come in each day to do the chores he’s too incompetent to do. That’s what he does with every other task in life he’s unable to do himself, such as car servicing, dental check ups etc. Why should unappealing chores be any different and why should his share just automatically fall to you even though you both work.

To be honest, a man who can’t do anything for himself is pretty pathetic. He should be able to cook meals and clean his own clothes as a matter of self-respect.

Cocklodgers of the World, please take notes. You are not worthy.

Bit confused to to why this successful business owner in his 60’s doesn’t have his own property. And even when he was between partners, he rented a mares share room rather than his own place.

You have missed that this man does not work! He is not a succesful.man in the world of work. He neither works nor puts his dirty socks in the basket. Like the lilies of the field.

Hes not 'incredibly kind and supportive', if he makes you feel this way

He will make you very unhappy over time unless you can find a way to enjoy doing his share of these things. There is no reasoning with him or strategies that will improve this.

Two things ~ I find it absolutely baffling that you didn't twig that this would be the case before you moved in. The second thing? Oh, he sees the tasks, of course. He's just not bothered. He has you, now.

Can’t you just leave him to his own devises? I mean if his clothes are lying on the floor unwashed and there’s no petrol in his tank that’s not really hurting you is it?

You are just giving yourself another piece of work here. You have told him the problem, which is clearly his problem, so it is up to him to work on it and fix it. If he doesn't, then maybe he doesn't want this to work as much as you do. He's a grown man, he can work out some strategies to cha ge his behaviour.

Only form adult relationships with adults.

I'm sorry, OP-that doesn't help you now, but it's true.

Why are you making excuses for him? Grown ups who don't want to live in filth know they have to pick up after themselves.

He's not got a disability impacting his ability to learn, he's able to learn complex things to have excelled in his job. He's just lazy and entitled.

Weaponised incompetentance that he's then gas lighting you into thinking is your attitude problem.

Tell him this is a deal breaker. Tell him it makes you feel unappreciated.

It's not a SAHP thing it's a grown up thing.

Here’s a question to women like OP and it suits so many situations where so much is demanded of you:
What would happen if you needed a hysterectomy and were in hospital and then on bed rest for a few weeks?
Because to be quite frank a man like this can be as ‘lovely’ as he likes until you are the one who needs help.
Romance and all the lovely chats and sex are fabulous until you have to share a home. If you’ve ever read the piece by a man whose wife left him because he left a cup by the dishwasher, instead of placing it inside, you will get it.
This guy said it was only until single life was enforced that he had to learn, and he finally, finally knew what his wife had been talking about. She organised so much, and all she asked was that he placed dishes and cups in the dishwasher. He didn’t see it.
Imagine the horror story this would turn into if OP was in bed and needed drinks, and snacks, and help getting to the loo and shower. He would have to take over the running of the house, and the fact is he would probably leave her lying there. You only have to read the threads on here from women who get left when ill.
I feel sad for OP that this is the best relationship of her life.
That this man is happy to live in her home, knowing she works so hard, and can’t even pick up a cup he has used.

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

I may have missed something, but how can someone who has been successful enough financially to support three partners to be SAHM/homemakers, not have any property of his own and end up renting a room at his friend's house?

He can learn. It'll take a while - it took mine about a month. He needs to pull his weight. Luckily mine is a tidy freak so he's always done some. But since he's been out of work I've done nothing but work. It took a few weeks to teach him, now I don't need to stress. He is a grown man. Teach him, make him write step by step instructions himself and he'll manage. Be prepared for some bad meals and the odd pink shirt till he works it out

It's clear you're not going to split up, despite the comments saying that you should. It means you need a way to improve the situation. I'm speaking from a male point of view and have the following suggestion. Write/Print a daily and weekly list of things to do.
Daily: Make bed. Put laundry in laundry basket. Clean pots in kitchen. Tidy up.
Mondays: Put laundry in washing machine. Wash and after put into tumble dryer.
Tuesday: Just daily tasks
Wednesdays: Do weekly shop
Etc.
You both know what needs to be done and when. It helps you both.
Good luck.

This! Spot on

You could try ignoring it: just pick your way over the socks, and not 'see' the mugs or the washing up. When there's no food bought or prepared, order a takeaway. Go out to eat - and make sure you split the bill! After a couple of weeks, you can comment sadly on what a mess it is...perhaps offer to help him find a cleaner?

Trouble is, some men not only see the housework as women's work (as an unquestionable fact) but they also have a terrible opinion of the type of men who join in. Joke about them being under the thumb or whatever.

It's linked to the basis of their masculinity, like doing "female" jobs would diminish them or damage their self esteem.

It's a problem that can only be removed with a major culture shift I believe.

In the meantime, they don't deserve a woman's love and attention.

Sounds like he ripped through various partners and wives before you

Not hard to work out why the relationships failed

So who was doing all the housework and ‘SAHM’ stuff before you moved in? Cleaner? Him? Tell him he does it or you move back out?

BTW, I am a SAHM and even them my DH shares that stuff - he’s cooking my dinner now having poured me my second glass of processo…