Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

Have a conversation. If he's at home all day make a list together of what needs doing & how often.

Ask him to set himself reminders and make it clear that you don't want to have to keep reminding him.

Give it a set amount of time then review it together.

No need to divorce.

Keeping a toilet clean is so easy. One brush and 1 Domestos by each loo. ( Yes I know MN hates brushes) House rule is that every person cleans after they use it.

Socks and undies: basket in each bathroom. Toss in when you shower.

Mugs: I admit we have a few. Just seen DHs by the sofa. This doesnt annoy me all that much as its only from the morning. Never overnight.

Thanks all. Not to say DH does absolutely nothing. He leaves kitchen immaculate after I cook for example. He’s just one of these man childs that don’t see the need to make a bed or put away clothes or clean a toilet. To me basic adult stuff but to him a lifestyle choice. Some things don’t bother me - like I can pull the duvet up, it takes 5 seconds. But he actually gets annoyed when I hang up his clothes! And the toilet is just gross especially because it’s the one guests have to use. I’m working on that one now. Because it’s setting a bad example to the DC not least.

I have read your updates. I do understand your situation life. He makes you happy, is a blessing his health has improved. But at his age, his attitudes aren't going to change. I come from a family of northern men and tbh I think in sixties and above this is way more common than posters here are indicating.

I would assume that nothing much will change, but make then make some immediate changes to improve your own quality of life so that your frustration doesn't destroy the relationship.

1. Buy in lots more help. Weekly cleaner. Get your washing collected and delivered. More support if you can afford it.

1. Automate anything possible: food deliveries, toilet roll and cleaning products on subscription.

1. When you are both in for the evening, verbally set expectations eg "if you're cooking tonight, I'll wash up" etc.

1. Set out some very basic minimum that you ask him to follow as a matter of respect - hanging up towels, putting dirty washing in the basket, making the bed if he's last out of the bedroom.

The irony of hiring more help is that OP is going to be the one paying for it whilst the bloodsucking parasite enjoys the benefit of it.

Bet OP ends up being the one managing the help as well, which yet again adds to her mental and physical load. As anyone who hires help knows, this is not always straightforward.

You are missing the point.

The solution is not OP having to bend herself into more of a pretzel to clean and pick up after the cocklodging man child or micromanage him to do utterly common sense and simple tasks.

His lack of respect for her speaks volumes:

She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

The whole message behind this is: "If you don't like engaging in lots of free labour after coming back tired from work hire him a maid, a cleaner and an online shopper"

Alternatively if you're too tired for sex one day or his teenage ways are putting you off I also know of a great escort website on the internet willing to keep him happy.

Agree. He’s 60 years old and this is at least his 4th cohabitating relationship. If he wanted to learn he’d have done it decades ago but he’s happy with the status quo, living the life of Riley rent free being bankrolled by the OP plus he gets a cook, cleaner, domestic slave and sex partner without lifting a finger or spending a penny.

He’s living the dream - and the OP is so desperate to cling on to him for whatever reason, she tolerates his lazy Cocklodging arse for a bit of good sex and the fact he’s got a good sense of humour. Why would this freeloader want to change a single thing? He’s found himself a nurse with a purse to wipe his arse in his dotage.

And pay for it all yourself because this freeloader won’t be getting his wallet out.

of course! If he could pay the house, the maid, the cleaning lady, the personal assistant and the hooker all by himself would he be with the OP? That's what I would be asking myself if I was the OP.

@NutsForMutts Your H’s approach still seems common and still obvious sexism. He doesn’t clean the loo or pick up his dirty clothes or share aspects of the domestic work, so argues that it isn’t necessary, your standards are too high etc.

Seems that his tactics work well for him with you! shitty partnership and parenting from him.

Most lazy sexist men who don’t do domestic chores though are the breadwinners and that’s the trade off. In this case the OP is the breadwinner, he doesn’t work, lives rent free in her house and still thinks the domestic work is all on her despite him being at home doing bugger all every day.

Top cocklodging by him

The problem is it’s hugely disrespectful of you, your house, your time and feelings.

He may have had stay at home wives/partners previously that he financially supported so their role was home maker. But that’s not the situation now and won’t be in the future. He knows this, you know this.

He just can’t be bothered to behave in a reasonable and respectful manner. It’s already obvious that it’s upsetting you and will just get more corrosive if he doesn’t step up and treat you and your house as you would expect an adult of his age to do.

It’s rather pathetic but if you want change you’re going to have to explicitly spell out what you expect him to do daily, weekly and constantly going forward.
If he doesn’t then that’s very telling in terms of what he thinks of you and your relationship and feelings.

@penelopelondon

If she was 25 I would agree. She's in her sixties. Sounds like she values the companionship above all else at this stage of life. Who are you to tell her that her life is worse for having this man in it? You don't know any of the finer details of her life history and neither do I.

Hiring a cleaner is very different to hiring a sex worker. If disagree with that then I don't know what to tell you about your own internalised misogyny.

You see for me, I think the fact that she's in her 60s goes the other way - they can just live separately as there are no dependant children

I understand a bit more why a 20 or 30 something woman with young children might decide to stay

But the OP could get the companionship and sex without living with him

This.

Please don't lower your standards and remember if someone shows you what they think of you...belive them

If he does the chores when asked, then write him a list - a long and detailed one! - of all that you expect him to do. Hopefully he will do as he is asked.

I was actually responding to the other poster just above my post seeking help with her DH of many years

Not OP. I have already posted re OP but it's pointless.

@Lentilweaver thanks for your thoughts and sorry to confuse or hijack the thread. These threads are triggering me though to see my own situation with more clarity!! My DH financially contributes a lot, and I do too. I think he’s stuck at age 17 or so and no one ever called time on his BS in formative years. I do - all the time - but he’s also not good with criticism or demands. May try counselling.

We don’t know his old the OP is as she’s not said. He’s early 60’s but she’s not mentioned her age.

From her mentioning her stressful job and a couple of other things, I suspect she’s a decade or more younger but I could be wrong.

@TwistedWonder

Most lazy sexist men who don’t do domestic chores though are the breadwinners and that’s the trade off. In this case the OP is the breadwinner, he doesn’t work, lives rent free in her house and still thinks the domestic work is all on her despite him being at home doing bugger all every day.

This is the crux of it. There are a lot of men who think that its reasonable for them to do sod all in the house because they work hard and pay for everything. I personally think this is an awful way to live and wouldn't tolerate it because it wouldn't work for me at all but it is at least a quid pro quo and there's a consistency to it. If you are the sort of woman who wants to be "kept" and is happy to do housework instead of going out to earn money (and there are millions of women like this) it could work.

But this guy isn't even delivering this. He wants both to do nothing at all in the home and for his partner to support him but to get a free pass because he's "interesting" and good in the sack.

And its frankly pathetic that the OP is so desperate for his love that she thinks its a reasonable compromise.

Yeah I can see that

What I think though is that there is often a drip drip thing that happens and it's really hard to change a dynamic that is 20 years old.

Whereas if you make your boundaries really clear from the start, it is a lot easier

To give one example - I have never once bought anyone in DH's family a birthday or Christmas present. Just didn't start that and if he had ever asked me to, I would have laughed. Similar with other life admin - I know DH goes to the dentist but I don't even know which one he goes to, I just am not involved with it.

Why don't you just start with the loos? Small win. Clean immediately after use
Like you would if staying at someone's house as a guest.

Btw my 20-yr-old son just dumped his plate in the sink. I called him out on it and he rinsed quietly and put it in the dishwasher. Don't want him annoying his future wife/ partner.

She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink
www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Yes, @blueshoes ! That's the article I was trying to remember upthread.