Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

I can't get over how the OP describes this useless man as 'incredibly kind and supportive', yet also says that she works long hours in a pretty stressful job then has to go home and pick up this man's socks, take his used coffee mugs into the kitchen and clean them, make his dinner, etc etc. How is it 'kind' that he sits around the house all day then watches his domestic appliance partner run around after him after she's been working long hours already? How is that 'supportive'?

How is it even remotely possible that this piss-taker could have run a successful business, yet can't seem to work out how to phone his own doctor or dentist when he needs an appointment? The answer is that of course it's not possible. He sees such things as women's work and therefore beneath him, the revolting sexist pig.

OP, he's not going to change. He hasn't the slightest intention of changing. Why on earth would he? He's got it made, hasn't he? You (and his numerous exes in the past) running around after him, making him comfortable. And now it's even better for him, because you're supporting him financially too.

You mentioned that you have kids (adults now, I assume). How do they feel about him and about the whole situation?

More fool you. Stop it now.if he actually cares about you he'll buck his ideas up. But he doesn't, he just sees you as a secretary he can screw.

He’s not broken!!!!!!!!

This is who he is, a lazy entitled fucker who thinks women were put on this planet to clean up after him. Congratulations.

He really is having his cake and eating it isn't he?

OP, you said that if he wouldn’t change, you’d just have to reframe how you think about it.

Ok, here’s how you have to reframe it in your head. He’s a man, you’re a woman. He is much too important to think about trivia like socks on the floor or washing up. You are just a woman, so it’s your job to protect him from mess and effort.

When you have been at work all day earning money to pay the bills, he shouldn’t have to worry about picking up plates - plenty of time for you to do that when you get home. His mind is on higher things, like going for a nice walk, or reading.

When you get home, the house will be in a mess and this is awful for him, so you need to fix it. He has geopolitics to think about. When you get in the door, run around and clean, and get dinner cooking. Take him his meal, pick up his plates afterwards and get on with washing up. He needs to relax on the sofa and digest his meal. You don’t, you aren’t important like he is. He might want a chat - remember there is still loads of laundry to do though, so don’t take a break just yet.

Check in with him whether he needs any more of the money you earned during the day - honestly it’s probably best to just have a joint account so he never feels limited. Probably you have done this already. Does he have access to your savings and pension? Have you transferred joint ownership of the house? He is a man you know, you can’t make him feel financially emasculated just because he isn’t working and you are.

At bedtime, he’ll have loads of energy for sex. You’ll have been running round without a break for sixteen hours at this point, but you have to remember he has needs. Whether you are tired or not, never refuse sex, it’s part of your job description.

If you think you can make this mental shift, good for you. You’ll have a long and happy relationship with this man for as long as you are willing to provide money, housing and a maid service. Obviously if you ever get ill or have financial problems, he won’t step up in any way. But this isn’t a partnership remember. He’s a man, and you are his current support human. If you become unable to perform your primary function, what even is the point to you? There are other support humans out there who will take him on when this one breaks.

And if you think this isn’t the case, move him out for six months (and stop doing any life admin) and see if he remains keen.

He won’t, he’ll just find another support human because this one is broken.

Hes done a number on you op

You’re not his partner. He’s treating you like his mummy. He’s not going to suddenly grow up in his 60s if he hasn’t done it by now.

You love him and want to stay with him so need practical solutions rather than lots of 'leave him!' type comments (although hopefully those comments have made you consider things from a different perspective).

1. Sit him down and have a Serious Chat about how you're not happy doing all the household tasks. Ask what his suggestions are for resolving this. Does he have any? Is his solution that you just keep doing it all and feel resentful? That will tell you a lot.

1. I have a whiteboard on the kitchen wall which has important info like bin day, kids' clubs etc. If something needs doing on a particular day it goes on the whiteboard. This means that I only have to feel the mental load once per week (when I update it) rather than trying to keep it all on my head and remember stuff at the right time. Could you do similar? Write a list of daily tasks so he can see what needs to be done?

1. Get him to download a household chore app. Or set reminders/alarms on his phone. Laundry! Dishwasher! Etc.

1. Tell him that doing the household tasks for two people is too much and that you want to go back to living separately. You can still have amazing conversations and great sex, but you don't have to look at his dirty crockery or feel irritated with his inability to make a Dr's appointment.

1. Ask him to pay someone to do his share. Get a cleaner in more often, hire a mother's help/housekeeper.

Is he trying to fix it or are you taking the mental load for this?

@Kattuccino lots of people have given practical suggestions. OP has said she will hire more help in response. She won't ask him to move out or take more responsibility. Problem solved. Increase the cleaner's hours 🙄

And obviously the cost of this extra help will come out of her salary while this cocklodger sits on his fat arse doing fuck all for 1-3 years and calls it ‘regrouping’

After which time i guarantee he’ll either need more time to do sweet fuck all regroup further or rise he’ll be off finding the next nurse with a purse partner

I always wonder how smart, clever women put up with this shit.

That's still making her responsible for the mental load! He's as adult, he can tell what needs to be done, same as she can! 🙄

Of course he can tell what needs to be done but he doesn’t see it as his responsibility. If the OP want to stay with him perhaps a list would help. At least when he ignores it she’ll know it’s because he doesn’t give a shit and not because he has some unlearning to do.

Why on earth did you move in with this child man? You must have had some idea what he was like?

Why the fuck did you continue to date and then move in with a man with such grim attitudes and behaviours? unhealthy choices on your part.

Sounds like he’s a shit father too. And not even rich anymore and you’re paying for him!

really hope you have no DC.

Actually the OP briefly mentioned in one of her updates that she does have them, though I assume they're adults now and not living with her and this utterly useless article she insists on calling a partner.

Yep she has DC whose inheritance shes wasting desperately bankrolling the lifestyle of this useless fucker

I’ve read all your posts @glensof and what has struck me is that you say you get home and start doing these things, but you don’t say that he immediately then goes “oh darling I’m sorry I didn’t even think to do the dishes/sort out the laundry. Let me do that.”

If he’s genuinely blind to the tasks (which I don’t believe, he sounds capable of adapting to new things if he ran a business and now does charity projects. How does he work out what tasks need doing there?) surely as soon as he sees his tired hard working partner start her second job of the day after her first paid one, he would jump in. If he’s happily watching you do the dishes/pick up his socks/take out the bins then he’s very aware of it and he’s letting it happen so it becomes your established role.

You said you come from a culture where it’s women who do these things. Are you being direct enough? Have you just asked as you go along “darling can you pick up your socks/do the dishes/charge the car” or have you sat him down, discussed this clearly and said he has to step up to daily tasks? The first option lets him carry on just doing things only if you ask. The second option states clearly what the ongoing expectation is.

In summary, if he’s watching you pick up after him despite you having a clear conversation, then he doesn’t respect you enough to change because he doesn’t want to change.

To note: I’m in a relationship where we both work and both do equal amounts of housework. Even in this, I would NEVER book his dental/hair/doctor appointments. Shut that down immediately.

I also note what others have mentioned: if this is your best relationship ever, you have been in some terrible relationships and need to raise your bar.

If you want proof he knows exactly what he’s doing, spend an hour with him writing a daily chore list to pin to the fridge. Spend a month without helping, and seeing if he does it. If he doesn’t, there’s your answer.

Its a waste of time. He is a lazy good for nothing. Not even earning anything. Get rid.

I suspect his illness (possibly cancer of some kind?) & recovery is what’s got you completely looking after him. But as he adjusts to his new normal so must you OP. That means developing some boundaries & allocating his share of life admin/domestic jobs/ back to him. It sounds v grandiose - how he will likely never work again - needs at least 3 years to regroup - & instead is focussing all his energies on “geopolitics”. This just shows the discrepancy in power dynamic where you are putting him on a pedestal of “great man” for whom trifling matters such as housework & cleaning up after using the toilet is beneath him.

It’s very possible OP & forgive me for saying this, but he may find you especially attractive BECAUSE of your cultural background - where it’s traditional for women to bear the load & serve the patriarch. How good is your relationship if neither of you have ever even discussed your attitudes to gendered roles? How can you be so aligned if these are his beliefs?

I can't believe someone directed op to the freedom programme 🤣

Op you asked for advice and so here's mine, it might drive you a bit nuts temporarily but I would stop washing up, stop making appointments, stop doing his laundry. Just stop and see how long it takes him to do these things. Have beans on toast for dinner instead of cooking fancy things and buy yourself new clothes so you can afford not to turn the washing machine on for a week.

It might dawn on him when he's run out of clean socks and there's washing up stacked next to the sink. Claim you've been really tired. If he's quite happy to live in a pigsty or moans at you for the mess/laundry, you've got a real problem as that will be evidence he thinks it's your responsibility. If it occurs to him to start doing things himself, the training is working.