Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

This will ruin their romance

So he could run a company, but can’t manage a house?

Reality check - he doesn’t WANT to run a house.

You need to tell him this is his job (well his half if you’re being generous), and he needs to up his game.

My DH would forget the bins until I pointed out that he managed to show up to a weekly meeting with his MD, so if he could manage that, he could set a date for the bins, or I’d be fucking sacking him. Funnily enough, he found a system.

Yes

Great idea

Well if you want to continue the relationship you are going to have to tell him what you expect and what you want him to do as a minimum and he needs to step up.

If he’s been successful in the past in his career he knows and understands expectations, goals and responsibilities. I would clearly explain those in terms of your home life. They are easy to learn, not difficult to do, and necessary for a harmonious home.

Tell him in plain simple language. And expect immediate results as you would do with a professional job. Then review after a period of time. But if he’s unhappy and unwilling to change then that’s a big problem.

Sounds like it'd be an ideal relationship if you didn't live together. I couldn't live like this, it'd make me hate him. So I'd ask him to find his own place and you can both enjoy the best of each other.

Seems like such a simple fix no? Just get him to move out and OP can keep the romance going instead of picking up after him.

But she doesn't want to do that.

Does he truly and genuinely want to change? That's the most important question op.
If you think he's capable of change, you'll have to write lists and make it very clear what he should be doing each day. Leave post it notes all over the house if needs be. You shouldn't have to do this, but if he really wants to change, he'll work it out quickly.

I would seriously put a time limit on this relationship though, you shouldn't have to live like this. Make it clear that he absolutely needs to raise his game if he wants to be with you. That's your expectation and it is non negotiable.

My dh is brilliant at home, but in the early days of our marriage he was away from home a lot. We had 3 young dc so the house was busy. When dh came home, he struggled picking up the routine of home life again. But he would always ask me what needed to be done until he got back into the swing of things. He hated feeling useless and not knowing what to do. I'm not sure your DP feels any guilt at all from what you've written.

He is capable. He's just being useless and this is most likely why he has so many failed relationships.

You are being an absolute mug OP and your responses show he will never change, if you tolerate this shit it will continue and you will only have yourself to blame.

That's exactly what a cocklodger is - pays his way by providing good sex and pillow talk and not much else

Yes indeed, I made this mistake and the man left me pregnant. He's found another kind woman to subsidize him now.

but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself

So he's training you up nicely, he's upgraded from women who will pick up his socks, to a woman who will pick up his socks AND financially support him.

OP he may be kind and lovely in some ways, but that doesn't mean he can't be selfish and lazy in others, people aren't black and white. I moved out at 16, no one taught me how to cook or put a wash on, but I still knew I had to do these things and it took me far less than 4 years to realise. This is a grown man, a father, you need to stop making excuses for him.

Unbelievable- except it’s 100% believable. As you’ve asked for ideas here is one- I’d make enormous tick list sheets for each week (or day?h And just tick everything that needs doing that week. E.g pay gas bill, put on laundry, cook dinner, wash up might have ticks next ti it one day then make health appointment, cook dinner, wash up, clean shower the next. It’s so frustrating for you- good luck! X

Why don’t you start by just doing less if ‘his’ stuff? Don’t do his washing, don’t do his life admin. He may start realising that he needs to do things for himself like a big boy.
I don’t think you should have to, but could you sit down together and make lists of things you are happy to do and things you think he needs to take on? Put the list somewhere obvious. Tell him that you don’t find being his mother attractive and if he wants to remain in a relationship with you he needs to be contributing to household tasks.

I'm going to be honest @glensof my H is a bit crap about the house- he's 60 though and good looking for 60 and he works really hard in a trendy industry . I work in same industry alongside him - I've accepted he's shit about the house , so I've just chilled off myself - don't get het up about work , let more of it fall on him . You won't get that option - I get that you are really 'into' him - I think this is going to pale for you very quickly as clearly you are now looking at the situation in a new light and I would really keep your wits about you - I know he's had a tough time but I suspect he's got 'using' tendencies- please look after yourself- don't let him take the piss however charming he is

All his previous partners / wives ... ?

Uhh ... OP ... Are you not seeing this?

Everywhere is a hot bed of misogyny

Is the house you are living in together his? That is why you are happy to financially support him?

Otherwise you are just getting the burden with no benefit. Bad deal. He saw you coming.

"I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself."
And so it will never change. he's effectively training you to be his skivvy. Very effectively.

"His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone"."
No, I'm not buying that. Unless he is mentally defective, he KNOWS that things don't happen by magic - he KNOWS that someone has to do these tasks. But he is very determined that that someone will not be him. So he leaves it to you, who doesn't want to feel like a "nagging shallow bitch". He'd rather you worried about being a "nagging shallow bitch" than he pick his own socks up.

But you go ahead. Wait on him hand and foot. Roll over in the face of his weaponised incompetence. Feel the steady drip, drip, drip of resentment build, as you finally acknowledge that he is doing this deliberately. Because. He. Matters. More.

No she’s said it’s her house and he moved in

Oh OP! You weren't even living with him but you took on life admin for him?
The writing was on the wall long before you moved in together.

What do you really want out of life over the next 20 - 40 years?

He's not that far off retirement age. What does he bring to the relationship to make it an equal one rather one where you mother him? What happens if you get sick?

Have you enjoyed the role of sorting out his life? Are you a bit of a rescuer? Do you have a relationship history that shows a pattern of you giving your partners a lot more than they give back to you in terms of acts of service? I'm asking because this detail casts a bit of a different light on it for me. I can see why you might pick up his socks in your home because you don't want to live in a hovel yourself, but why were you sorting his life out for him when you weren't living together? And if he needed you to be a PA from the get go, why was his inability to take on any domestic tasks a shock when you moved in together?

Oh my goodness OP. He saw you coming.

Agree entirely with previous poster. It does seem like his life threatening illness, treatment & recovery has played a big part in how entangled & enmeshed you've become in his life. That you've taken over everything & understandably have become emotionally very invested in saving, loving & rescuing him. But as the consensus here says OP, with kindness, you enabling him is a you problem. It's not healthy, not humanly possible & will burn you out as you start to resent him for failing to ever take care of your needs, or show that you even exist in the relationship. You cannot be ok with being in such a one sided relationship where all of the "work" is placed on you & he is indulged to just be with no expectation to consider your needs in any of this.
I feel you have really indulged him OP. I worry what your prior relationships were like for you to see this man of worthy of being pedestalled. I fear for you - for how naively trusting of him & his financial situation etc & for your declaration of happily working for the rest of your life for him to be kept in a comfortable manner with no responsibilities or expectations.

Does he contribute to your bikes? Are expenses shared? Please don't tell me it's all in your name & he buys food here & there? Does he have a pension?

In the same way that you fear he won't or can't change the same may be true for you too / if you're co/dependent but unknowingly so at this age & stage in your life.

You will always indulge, look after & sacrifice your own needs for others' & people please, express love in this way.

But it's unfortunately toxic OP. Like another poster said either accept this is your lot you are his handmaiden & have no expectations he'll change & indulge away - or get a read on what's truly going on here & get out/some space to see how crazy a situation you have unwittingly got yourself into with this man sorry cocklodger albeit I'm sure a very kind & nice wouldn't hurt a fly one. He can still be kind & genial & funny & still be taking total advantage of you. He doesn't need to be a pantomime villain to be bad for you. But you've got to stop enabling & indulging & startcto realise you deserve a lot more than being his servant. Don't you?

Of course he understands all this things need doing. He's managed to get someone else to do them for 40 years , now he's getting you to do it. I

This has nothing to do with his partners being SAHM, if they'd been working full time he'd have been the same.

Entitled men don't suddenly become less entitled when the wife appliance they acquired to meet all their needs with no reciprocation also works full time and earns.