Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

"Hating is probably a very strong word but yes, I started to get annoyed a little bit here and there. This is why I want to nip it in the bud now before it develops into something more corrosive."

My personal feeling is that he's had a personal cleaner (aka a wife) doing for him for decades. A bloke in his early sixties is highly unlikely to change (or even want to).

If you haven't lived together for long, I'm pretty sure this is going to get very corrosive (for you) as time goes on and resentment will start to eat away at you.

I'm sorry but he sounds utterly useless and, given your ages, you may well end up regretting committing yourself to him (imagine you're getting older, maybe unwell and you need to be able to rely on someone to totally take the reins... but you can't even rely on him to pick up his socks...)

OP I could have written your post. My partner is exactly like yours. He's a lovely bloke but he is bone idle. Part of is that he is bone idle part of it is that he has spent most of his life in circumstances where he hasn't had to deal with what I'm sure he would consider mundane day to day stuff, cleaning, cooking, admin, house maintenance, car maintenance. He either paid people to do it or had a wife who did it. You can either put up with it or decide he's useless and get rid. If you decide to endure then you need to be very clear about what you expect. Tell him that his lack of effort is disrespectful and then tell him exactly what you expect him to do. Write him a list. No grown man should expect someone else to clear up his mess. He can be charming, erudite, he can be the love of your life but if he knows that his uselessness upsets you he should care enough about that to make an effort. Don't fool yourself into thinking oh he doesn't "see it" he does actually, he's just too lazy to do anything about it and he knows you will do it for him. If there's no improvement then I would suggest you have a rethink.

tell him to use chat gpt to set a daily list of household chores to be a perfect housewife. Then do them.
everyday.

You know the answer OP. Separate houses - he would have to live modestly within his means.

You are not:

Secretary
Maid
Mother
Teacher

He is not a toddler.

Have some self respect. He is taking the piss and you are leaning into this pathetic learned helplessness with your full weight.

Edited to add: not only is he useless in the home, he is living off you. He might be the nicest bloke in the world but the facts are unavoidable. His world view does not match yours (or maybe it does). He is a man child and you are enabling him. I suspect you won't do anything about it though as you too are conditioned to compensate for his shortfalls in the spirit of being the 'little woman'.

FFs 🙄

Learn to do stuff?? He's not a tween!! There should be absolutely no learning of this nature required at his age!!

This why so many women get stuck in unhappy relationships. They're so used to caring that they start mistaking their adult male partner for a child. They have to 'remind' their partner even to do basic things for himself, like dentist appointments,or put reminders on his phone, as if they're a fucking P.A.

It's up to HIM to proactively put reminders on his own phone, not her.

This is the same reason some people devote themselves to dogs who are “so needy” or “anxious” that they can never be left alone or so disabled and sick that they have no quality of life and have enormous vet bills. The pets neediness confirms the owner’s importance.

This man was kicked to the curb by three other women. That is an obvious red flag. What this is is some bizarre game of musical chairs. OP thinks she has won something good because she sat down last and grabbed this rickety stool. In reality the other, healthier, women left the game long ago.

Anyone else here used the phrase “nurse with a purse” yet. Because this is 100% this situation.

OP, you’re a mug. He needs to be the one who “really really wants this to work” as he is the one who needs to figure out how little he can get away with changing. I’ve known many many men as colleagues and friends and the vast majority who live alone have pristine homes (much tidier than most women as they tend towards less cosy clutter). Amazing how they all become “mess blind” once they’re coupled up.

The “used to” line is a self deception,

He’s not used to it he’s engineered it doing fuck all around the house, it’s not something that magically happened to him. He wanted a maid of all work and apparently both exes voted with their feet after 10 years.

Why not move him back out again? You’d get all the fun stuff without picking up his stinking socks. He’s a grown human, he can look after himself.

Just tell him living together isn’t working out and you want to go back to how it was, just dating again.

OP you’ve been given a really majority opinion on here that this bloke is a freeloader who is taking you for a mug and yet you’ve said even he won’t change (which is a given) then you’ll have to change your attitude and pay for extra help.

So he’s already living in your home, you’re supporting him financially, he doesn’t lift a finger and leaves it all for you after you’ve been at work all day, you pay for holidays etc, he’s already got 3 ex wives and kids he’s supporting to the detriment of you and your DC and yet you are so desperate to keep him that you’ll lay down like a doormat and beg him to wipe his feet on you

Other than good sex what do you actually get from being a nurse with a purse and general skivvy for this cocklodger? You are being mugged off big time and yet you seem to think this is an amazing relationship. How bad have your previous partners been for you to not only settle for this but to positively beg him to keep treating you like a housemaid with a debit card?

I put up with this for seven years before I finally left.

Can you imagine. Seven years. I was a complete doormat and I cringe to think that I ever lived like that.

You have agency and you're in control of your own life, let him go. I wish someone had been so upfront with me.

No one is that dim. He knows and he sees the mess etc.

Exactly this.

He does fuck all. You pay for him. AND you have your spend your time after work looking after him and picking up after him like he’s a lazy teenage boy.

How the fuck can you stomach this?!

I dont think you painted it wrong. I seems that you have a much lower bar for relationships then others. It may also be cultural. How do does a relationship/marriage typically work where you are from?

Hi OP, this is actually a really good idea from @beAsensible1 . I was going to say to make a plan that he can follow, and Chatgpt is a great place to start. You can then refine and amend the plan to suit your particular circumstances and preferences etc. And it takes the pressure off of you to reinforce.....just refer him to the plan!

Sounds like you're very much in love and very happy in your relationship. These aren't easy things to find.

Not everyone is good at the domestic stuff, especially if you've never had to do it.

Good luck OP!

He has had three long term relationships all of which ended in 10 years or so. Guarantee you that his belief that women are a very useful domestic appliance sped those relationships on their way.

So now he is 60. He is in the first months of living with you. The months when you are trying your best - this is basically as good as it gets for you. He still thinks every bit of domestic labour is really yours to manage. Luckily he will help you out if you ask him very specifically and politely (be careful OP, I suspect if you are snappy you will be told you are beginning to nag).

I don't think he is the man you think he is and I suspect a chat with his 3 exes would be illuminating in the extreme. But what really matters is HE WILL NOT CHANGE. He is nearly 60. This is who he is. And my experience of getting older is your traits become more so - not less. So look forward to when it isn't just dirty socks and mugs he is leaving around.

he won't change. Figure out if this is how you want to live.

3 marriages would tell me that his wives have encountered same issue.
A man doing zero around the house will wear significantly after a few years and the wife begins to wonder what she is doing all the hard work.

If he can get a very well paid job making lots of complex decisions, he can pick his socks up and make a doctors appointment. It’s not rocket science and if he’s not working, he needs to be doing stuff at home to help.

Where does his care come for you? Any decent person ehonis at home would prepare a meal for their partner coming home if they cared.
Does he shop? Cook for you? Would he think oh op has had a tough day i could make her life easier by cleaning the kitchen or running a hoover abut

He is selfish

Only way this will work is to go back and keep separate properties and not live together

He just needs to frame it as he would a work problem and then tackle it like any problem to be solved. He can 100% do this. Don’t let him fool you into believing that he can’t. He just thinks it’s beneath him.

"I'm financially supporting a jobless cock lodger, not only he gets my money but free labour too in the form of cleaning lady, therapist, secretary, sex worker and personal assistant, besides this shameless explotation he's perfect and I really want this to work"

(The low bar on MN never fails to amaze me)

Since you've decided that living together is the best choice for you my advice is to become the project manager. Dot down together and make a list. All tasks he needs to do on what day. Bathroom cleaning on Tuesdah. If he thinks it is not dirty, doesn't matter he needs to do it. By 4pm the dishes need to be done. If he drops socks on the floor they can be put to a bin bag in the shed. Separate laundry. He's in charge of cooking 2 days a week with thinks he has added to grocery list etc. Train him like a preteen that is slowly learning how to do domestic tasks. Not making doctors appointments? Tough shit. I'm assuming he can read and use a calendar?

Gosh he is not a catch to live with. Whose house did you move into or do you have a new one?
Honestly, I think you should ask him to move out and just visit each other. If he is really anti doing this then he needs to step up. You're financially supporting him- when he did this with his ex partners it sounds like they waited on him hand and foot so he should do it for you: ask him if he-

• sorted bills
• did the food shop
• planned the meals
• cleaned

Ask him to imagine doing all that on top of his busy job while funding a person who does nothing.

Etc. if he never did this is even more argument why he has to do that now.

I would just do a list. Before I come home do xyz, daily or weekly.
Give it a month.

If he wants to, he will.