Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

Fantastic! I did not know about those. Thank you x

Well he's not doing any practical support the laughter and sex must be out of this world.....no way does a successful business man not know he has to book the bloody dentist, shop or pick his dirty underwear up ....he's a lazy mummy's boy who wouldn't be getting any laundry, life admin or food from me.

Well just stop doing it. Do your own washing, not his. Stop sorting his appointments. He's got lots of time to figure it out, he will have to eventually.

Put him back. He does know, he chooses not to. I was more competent when I was an 8 year old child. My own children, albeit sometimes deliberately lazy, are more competent and know to pick up after themselves. This isn’t a learned behaviour of not contributing to running the household, it’s a learned behaviour of misogyny, where he believes this “women’s work” is beneath him. You…..deserve…..better.

Tfft....you don't need another kid

Yes, if the situation does not change, I would try to change my attitude to it. The pros I get are well worth the cons. Well, practically I probably just would buy in some extra help.

Sad 🤦‍♀️

Oh Dear God woman, come on
He is absolutely having a laugh

Tell him to write a list of daily chores and weekly chores, check he's not missed anything then he can work from that.

At least they finally escaped....it's pretty unusual unless he was a super rich sugar daddy who's now not so rich.

This.

Don't be a mug, OP.

Unless he has a golden dick, please move out.

Quite clearly there are lots of issues in the relationship

He doesn't contribute financially towards the relationship
He has no 'common sense' to see what needs to be done in the house
He will happily let you work ft and then come home and cook and clean
He will happily let you spend your money on a cleaner when he's home all day and could do everything a cleaner does
If he genuinely cared and loved you he'd not let you have to come home and cook and clean for you.

Op my parents never taught me how to cook or clean or what life admin was all about, but I learnt.

I think there are two issues.

Basic household competency is an easy one. He does whatever he’s done to learn a new skill and form a new routine every time he’s done that in his successful business. He reads about household tasks, works out a schedule, performs them.

Leaving socks etc is more difficult because that’s an expression of contempt. Nobody who respects and cares for the person they live with throws their stuff on the floor expecting the other person will pick it up. Leaving them there is the same as calling you at work and saying ‘can you pick my dirty socks up off the floor for me’ whilst he sits looking at them.

He can fix both of these problems as they are both his to fix. Just depends if he wants to.

You are clearly bothered by having to mother him though. If he is unwilling to adult around these areas, I would ask him to organise those tasks to be outsourced, which presumably he can do as a successful professional. So he would need to increase the cleaner’s hours to daily, organise a collection service for laundry and a secretary for his life admin. At his cost, if finances are separate.

That would improve the quality of your future relationship. Resentment at this early stage is not healthy for a long term relationship. Six months of moving in is early on in my books, even if dating for years before that. If he is as a good man that you say he is, he will readily agree and may not have realised it was bothering you, given that his previous exes were SAHMs (by preference?).

So you are providing his luxuries as well as his domestic bliss and bed warming after long hours at work....this really gets worse you must have been very lonely before to find any of this attractive.

I haven’t RTFT - in terms of practicality, to continue living together - why don’t you get together and do a bit of a rota?

List out the every day things he needs to do, the other day, the weekly etc?

If he wants to pull his weight and isn’t sure what to do (or would rather you did it!) he can’t ignore what’s in black and white and mutually agreed by both of you - rather than just handing him a list.

If he still won’t do the jobs after this - that’s a different conversation…

major ick
you don’t want to be ‘supported’
but
your supporting/ enabling him to do bugger all

Just stop. If he’s used to having it done he will get frustrated pretty quickly

It's just who he is..he's not changing now.

OP, how old are you?

As OP hasn't been here for over 2 hours, it's time for a musical interlude:

No, I don't want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me

Incidentally I've just noticed that song (is a banger, but also) has the line:

If you have a shorty that you don't show love
Oh yes son, I'm talking to you

Referring to a child I think? The whole thing should be pinned at the top of the Relationships board

He's early 60s gone through a relationship every 10 years now 5 years into this one...so straight from mum to partner one at mid 20s and never grown up.

But why on earth should the OP do that? He should just figure it out for himself.

Oh OP!

I think you need counselling to work out why on earth you are in this relationship.

At the very least I'd be asking him to move out. Or giving an ultimatum about performance improvement.

Other posters are really harsh. It will take a bit of time but Im sure he can learn to do stuff. Maybe put daily reminders on his phone that he can tick off? I’d give it another year to implement gradual change otherwise I suppose you may not be compatible as you dont want to spend the rest of your life with that burden(and from the relationship
timeline Im assuming he is at least 60 so things will only get worse with needing to organise appointments
etc)

Dear God, how have you put up with this for six months? And given he has barely ever lived on his own, how short was the period from his last break up before he jumped into a new relationship with you?

You either need to throw him back, which it sounds like you don’t want to, or train him.

I had to train mine to some extent. Look, you just walked over a pile of clothes outside the kid’s room. Why did you do that? Go and put it away.

You see the shit marks you’ve left in the toilet? Just so you know if I see your shit I don’t want to have sex with you because it’s disgusting.