Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

I think he lived with women who financially abused him. A man who drives a car always charges it himself with petrol. Always. Plus dentists appointments. Or any other. A free man would do these himself

tl;dr: at least don't live together.

You sound lovely, I hope he deserves you.

i haven’t read the whole thread, but if you really want this to work it’s going to have to be on you as the more competent person to sort this. I suggest you set up daily, weekly and monthly checklists for him to work through. Daily will have to be things like - make the dinner, do a sweep of each room looking for out of place objects, set of the dishwasher at 2pm so it’s ready to empty at 5pm, put the car on charge if needed - it will have to be that basic. And on it goes for weekly and monthly.

Your posts make him sound sweet and like he’ll try, so hopefully that’s true and he will. But you will always have to have one eye on all this stuff. And he might just not be capable.

😂

I pity this man. Where is all his money gone ????

He found another matriarch to suck his money and boss him. Poor soul, go back to work, sweetheart and find a genuinely feminine lover not these dragons you've been used to

Nah. She's a vulture

This guy thinks women are inferior beings and domestic appliances. Why would you choose someone with this Neanderthal attitude for a life partner? Especially someone who’s clearly too old - and disinclined - to change his ways. And why would he? He’s got everything arranged just as he likes it, with the OP willingly supplying him with money, food, housework, companionship and sex.

This man doesn’t see you as an equal OP. He’s a lazy, entitled, misogynistic, inconsiderate freeloader and you’re enabling him unless you kick him out. But I don’t think you ever will -and you’ll be back here in a few years wringing your hands over how he’s drained all your energy and finances and turned your house into a tip.

@glensof His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

Wow. Weaponised incompetence at it's best. At the moment all is rosy for you but give it another decade and you'll be planning a new patio with some organic matter in the footings...

I cannot believe that he is incapable of picking up a plate or cup and walking, whilst holding it, to the kitchen. It's ok if he needs to put it on the counter so he can work out the tricky dishwasher door. Once open, I'm pretty sure he could pick up his plate or cup again and put inside the dishwasher. From there closing the door is pretty straightforward.

I have never tolerated being the only person doing housework. I HATE housework and don't see why I should be miserable while someone blissfully lounges around.

In your situation I would be very clear. I won't be coming home to do everything. If he's leaving crap all over the place, then he needs to pick it up without prompting. I will not baby any adult. They have the mental faculties to see what needs to be done and the physical ability to do it.

In your position I would lay it out. Household jobs are done or he can move out. Be prepared for more weaponised incompetence. Burnt food, shrunk washing.

If he cared at all about you, he would make sure that, if he is unable to financially contribute, the house and everything else would be done so you don't have to do it. He doesn't care.

At best, if he "can't see what needs to be done" I'd write him lists that give him the skills to see the mess.

• 8am, go to kitchen. Is the bench clear? If not clear and wipe the bench.
• 9am check bathroom. Is the floor and vanity clear? If not clear, wipe vanity, sweep floor.
• 4pm - check toilet. Is it free from skid marks? If not, clean bowl, wipe toilet, sweep floor
• 5pm - check floors throughout the house. Are they clear? If not, pick up things that shouldn't be on the floor then vacuum.
• 6pm - you'll be home soon so he needs to make dinner
• Laundry - do you have clean clothes? No? Use the washing machine to clean them.

If his domestic skills are preschooler level, then he needs a lot of practise. The more he does a poor job, the more practise he's going to need. I'd expect everything done daily until his skill set has improved to a level that things stay clean longer than a day.

Life admin - is he capable of getting to things he wants to do? If yes, then he's capable of arranging the boring shit too.

@redfishcat

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

So he doesn’t work, and is unlikely to ever again in the same way. Or at all.

He is living in your house and enjoying free luxury holidays etc

He has burnt through his own cash or so he says.

You are caring for him with poor health.

You see his unpaid house keeper/ cleaner/mother. Apparently he is too thick to learn how to pick up socks…

You really can’t be serious.

Either this is excellent satire or someone took a wrong turn from Tateville…

Is there an age gap as well? He’s found his nurse with a purse to bleed dry. I would guarantee he doesn’t sort himself out in 1-3 years and you’ll be supporting him for life now.

What about your kids? Why don’t you begrudge wasting money on this freeloader that should be going towards their inheritance?

But you’ve said that if he doesn’t change (which he won’t) then you’ll stay with him because you feel he’s worth it.

I really hope you take off your rose tinted specs that are stopping you seeing the huff red flags before he bleeds you dry but I don’t think you will because for whatever reason you’re under this cocklodgers spell

I heard something this evening that I've heard before. We only change behavior when the pain of not changing is greater than the pain of changing. You decide what that is.

I'd suggest a very plain talk that went something like if I ever come home to your mess again I will leave. I will not ask again and I will not warn you. Then do it.

Given his age and his previous experience, I honestly do not think the chances of him learning to tidy up after himself and run his own life are very high.
Also you have already spoken to him about it. I think really he can only plead ignorance before you had that conversation. After that, it is on him to learn. If he was clever enough to run a successful business, he can buy a book on How to Keep House, or he can ask a friend, or ….

i just don’t think the desire to change is there

so I think it’s up to you - do you want to continue to earn the money AND do the housework.

You can't "fix' this.
You've let him do nothing and that won't change.
The answer lies with you, not him.

It's not going to improve. You can explain that it's not acceptable and -
-dump him and move on
-hope he'll change but, in reality, put up with it
-give him a month to do his share

Women are not here to care take men.
Weaponised incompetence should not be babied.

Op, the hard truth is that you don't know if he loves you. There are too many benefits for him to stay with you: personal cook, waiter, cleaner, personal assistant... and don't forget money and sex. You bring it all, he brings his dirty socks on the floor. You ought to be spending your money on yourself or on your DC , not on this lazy entitled excuse of a man.

Oh bless you. I know the Yorkshire lad type well. Responds well to instructions at home but feeble otherwise, a whiz in the office. How about an online PA? Let them do it. Source on specialist sites depending on how busy he is with appointments (glad he’s getting better x) or blooming taskrabbit or similar. Lots of love to you both x

You would prob have to help compile said appointments the first time ahem x

Also though you're not married, just want to post this here: "I Want a Wife" by Judy Brady
http://www.columbia.edu/~sss31/rainbow/wife.html

Well, he certainly knows which side his bread is buttered, doesn't he? If he was capable of running a successful business, he's capable of taking personal responsibility for your home life, especially given he does absolutely fuck all other than work on passion projects. If he's genuinely too sick to work, that's one thing, but it sounds as though he has the energy and health to work on the things he cares about. But apparently this doesn't extend to ensuring he contributes equally to the life you have together.

I struggle to keep on top of tasks and use and app to help me manage them. They’re just not obvious to me, and I don’t always see mess.

Something like that might help him get started.

@glensof if the situation doesn’t change, you should not be changing your expectations. He needs to get in the habit of picking up socks and putting them in the wash bin, putting stuff in dishwasher and so on. He needs to understand you aren’t in a position to be the homemaker, nor do you want to and so you each tidy as you go, or one cooks, one washes up and so on. You share jobs, whether that means he does gardening and you do indoors or whether he hoovers and you iron. He is not a kid so you have to get out of the habit of following round tidying up after him 🤷🏻‍♀️