Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

Does he actually want to address this? If so surely he can come up with a plan and you can give him feedback on it. If he's not bothered then you will be putting up with this for the rest of your life.

This.
How can you even like never mind love a man who has no respect for you? He thinks he’s above housework etc.
It gives me rage that possibly even his friend’s wife ended up being his maid. When is someone going to make this lazy misogynist prick clean up after himself?

I see ‘make a list’ has been mentioned, so depressing. Every time I read it I hear this song

As for your op @glensof , if he didn’t lift a single finger with previous partners it wasn’t because they were gleefully happy to be maid and martyr to him. He was single for a reason, and evidently that reason is because he is a child masquerading in an adults body. He has no willingness to change because he thinks household chores are beneath him (but not you). No amount of list writing will help and you’ll just resent having to write it all out as much as physically pointing it out.

OP I am curious to know if you recognise his behaviour as misogynistic?

I’d move out.

If he is good company, ask him to move out and learn to live independently as an adult. Most people manage this between the ages of 18 -25. You can still date and spend time together. Alternatively, get home from work, sit down and ask him what’s for dinner and don’t pick up his dirty clothes!

What has he told you about the end of his relationships?

I couldn't live with such complete incompetence. It doesn't take much intelligence to work out that:
laundry needs doing,
floors need sweeping
washing up needs doing

and so on.

Housework is not exactly difficult - quite the reverse. If he's not earning money outside the home, he needs to be doing the labour of the home itself.

Haven't read all of your posts, but this might not just be a man thing, as in he's used to a woman doing it for him.

It's possible yes, but it's equally possible that this is how he actually is, even if he lived with male housemates.

Some people are tidier than others, or they just do them faster than others. If I have a mug I've drunk out of in the morning, I'll try to remember to bring it downstairs by the end of the day to wash it, but it's not the end of the world if that doesn't happen. Some people wouldn't be able to stand that though - as soon as they're done with the drink, they'd put it in the sink, and it would put them on edge if others wouldn't do this. Same with things like magazines, some people can't stand a magazine being anywhere other than a designated magazine rack. There is no in between time or space - either it's being read, or it should be in the rack.

It can be really tedious and stressful to live with people like that. They almost always assume the superior position, and everyone else should follow how they want to live or do things.

Having said that, you're doing far too much for him.

*he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes.

Unless they go mouldy, leave his mugs and see how long it will take him to clear them naturally. Don't charge his car - he needs to remember to do that himself!!

Stop making him meals - make your own, and say that you won't be making enough for him until he starts sharing the cooking load.

And definitely stop making him dentist appointments FFS!!!! Honestly if someone couldn't manage to look after their own health because it wouldn't get done if I didn't book appointments, I think that would be it for me.

At this rate, you'll end up reminding him to wash himself 🤢

That would certainly be a good short term tactic.

But how can anyone want to spend time with or have sex with someone who is incapable of doing their laundry or booking a doctors appointment?

There would be no way back for me.

With his ex's did he move into their houses?

• stop picking up his socks
  • don’t do the dishwasher
  • let him run out of stuff

Who are you to him? Is he the King? Are you his servant?

Here's an idea. Tell him to do it all for a month, then see what happens.

This is a reason why men like this will never change. Women are willing to accept it.

I wouldn't have even moved in with him until he grew up and started doing things around the house.

Three, all 10+ years marriages / relationships, and he's early 60s. I don't think this is something incredibly unusual?

Er, yes it is.

He's a sexist lazy arse. I wouldn't be picking up after him.

Yet another thread that makes me thank the goddess I'm single.

Why ‘the rage’? Did you miss where she said it’s otherwise a great relationship for them both?

She needs to talk him through exactly what he isn’t doing and how to make the household work.

If he is from Yorkshire, perhaps the magic words are in dialect.

I am a bit rusty, but something like

Eeee lad, tha needs to pick up thy own kecks and put 'em owerhere, for washing. Ah m not thy Ma and it no be done by majic. Naw mak us both a decent cuppa and fetch a slice o that Parkin you made yesterday

For what it's worth , I work with a wonderful lady of 62 and her husband, who is not working as also early 60s and can't get another job and has some health issues, does absolutely everything for her, she does not lift a finger the days she works and he does all the cleaning, laundry, ironing, cooking and even makes her packed lunch. The office joke is what has he made her. He occasionally even makes a cake for her to bring in so we can all be even more envious.

@inkyfingers

Why ‘the rage’? Did you miss where she said it’s otherwise a great relationship for them both?
She needs to talk him through exactly what he isn’t doing and how to make the household work.

No she doesn’t. A relationship in which one partner is sponging off the other while creating extra work is by definition not a great relationship. She wouldn’t have posted if it was a great relationship. It’s a highly unbalanced and probably abusive relationship.

The last thing she needs is to be told that on top of being sole breadwinner and doing all domestic work she needs to train him like a puppy.

THIS!

I have been in this situation and solved it by having a housework mexican stand-off, where neither of us did any housework until he caved. It's the only way, you just have to accept that you'll be living in a complete mess for a while.

I can see you love him op and want this to work, but if you gaslight yourself that you can accept this, you will get the ick eventually, I promise you. A grown man spending the whole day doing nothing and couldn't even pick up after himself, eventually you'll see him as a child (because that's how he's acting) and lose attractiveness. I've been there 😂

This relationship cannot work OP

the problem is that you are the one looking for advice to improve things.

it should be HIM looking for ways to improve HIS behaviour

you are taking full responsibility for managing the relationship

he needs to step up or step out

There's only one way for the relationship to survive.

Don't live together.

Op sit down together and make a list of stuff he has to do daily. Have it out so he can cross it off one by one.

Many will say this is what you would do with a child. Yes it is. However more to the point it's what we would do to someone that is learning.

So

Empty dishwasher
Sweep the house for cups/plates and put in dishwasher
Check for dirty socks put in laundry bin
Check toilet is clean. Sink as well
Add other things. Then put a time schedule for when each has to be done and bit by bit

He will learn.

Commenting so I can follow this. Sadly I don't think this is a wind up, especially if the OP comes from another culture where women are expected to do most of the housework.

OP ask yourself, why exactly are you with him? Certainly not for the money. So for conversations and sex? I think you just have to ask yourself, are conversations and sex worth all that you go through. Since you posted this, you know the answer.

The society has put too much romanticism into heterosexual relationships. I suspect this is to stop women from questioning scientifically what their romantic relationship brings them, because if we all did, a lot of us would realise that it's not "worth it."

The truth is, like any other human relationship, it's about value exchange. I'm not saying that you have to list the "pros" and "cons" in detail, but sometimes you do have to step back and look at it that way. Try to measure what you do for each other in units of ££ or time.

I'm going to go on a limb and count all the hours he puts into sex and conversations towards his services to you, 100% (even though very likely he benefits from them more than you, if not at least equally). Now look at your services to him. The housework, the expenses, the emotional labour. Do they measure up? Is it really worth it? Imagine if the quality of sex declines or no more sex due to his health problems. Now the question is, will the conversations be worth all the caretaking you'll be doing for him, when he's in his 70s and 80s?

You really have to think from his perspective. If you are firm and do not give him a penny or do ANY housework, will he dump you? Who would be better off alone considering the ££ and time contributions to this relationship? If it's not a toss up, then you know it's really not a "brilliant relationship"!

You should have let him alone for a year so he can unlearn his pathetic helplessness.

Nobody is that ‘exceptionally financially successful’ and ends with up nothing, he sounds thick as two planks.

My boss is on £500k pa plus crazy bonuses but is out the door at 5pm to cook dinner with his wife. Other boss is on £150k and is out the door at 3.30pm to be home for secondary school kids and cook their dinner. Then back online from 5pm.

OP, I can see how much you love and appreciate your DP, you would just like him to adjust to doing more around the house. Can you assign a couple of jobs per day on a timetable that he needs to fit into his day? Can he take over covering the insurance, car, bills etc? Or the shopping/washing/ironing ?
I'm sure if you had a chat with him you could both create a timetable for him, then if he doesn't do it, he will have to acknowledge you have a good reason to be frustrated. He does sound like they are things that never occur to him. Maybe number 1 on the list for each day should be a quick check before you are due home to ensure there are no clothes/washing lying around and all plates & mugs used during the day are in the dishwasher.
(He could get adventurous and start to cook but I suspect that may be over ambitious).