Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

Right, so he has kids to two different women? That would explain why the first two stuck it out for 10 years. That was about as long as I was able to stand my ex for too.

Are you or he from a culture or background where women are automatically expected to do all the domestic stuff?

OP, what is the minimum you would really and truly be okay with long term?

If he could find the money for a housekeeper who would pick up the socks do and wash the dishes, etc. each day would that be okay? And is there anyway that by the time he regroups he’ll be able to earn enough money to cover that for the rest of your lives together?

Or does he really need to change his behaviour and start pulling his own weight domestically?

If the latter, and he’s physically capable of doing it now, I think you probably need to move out. You can keep dating, but he needs time to learn to be a competent partner and he very unlikely to be able to do that while you’re living with him. Mainly because a) you will pick up after him rather than put up with the experience of living through the learning curve and b) he has 60 years of learned experience that will constantly pull him towards leaning on the woman he lives with instead of doing it himself.

The alternative is to go on domestic strike yourself so that he can learn to get a grip on it. But I think that is problematic in many more ways.

I don’t see how else it’s going to change as you’ve tried the talking about it and that has clearly not done the trick. So he’s either not capable of changing while you’re there or he’s capable but would rather not if he can get away with leaving it all to you.

It's not a question of language. You are fluent and express yourself perfectly clear. It's just your interpretation of the situation is biased because you're in love. For us others, being objective, we see a 60 year old man who doesn't work, sponges on you, lets you take care of all life admin; bills, Dr appointments etc, you have a cleaner but he can't even put his socks in the laundry basket nor put his dirty cups in the washing machine. And he doesn't cook.
I take it you don't have children OP because if you did you would have none of this ! I have an autistic 14 year old boy at home and I constantly have to remind him to put his dirty clothes in the laundry and put dirty cutlery in the sink. My 11 year old son does this without reminder. Your partner who ran a business is perfectly able to do this as well but he doesn't want to and you're enabling him. For me this would be such a turnoff that my partner didn't respect me enough to put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket (and I'm a sahm!).
He is a cocklodger and you are enabling him. How can you respect someone who "can't" do what most teenagers/young adults learn to do? It's ridiculous. He's taking the piss and it will just continue. Don't you think you deserve better than this (low self-esteem?)? Believe me, you do.

OP I guess just do what you can with him, if living separately doesn't suit you.

But I hope this thread is useful for other women who are in a dynamic like this and are unhappy. I think it was reading this kind of thing on MN that gradually helped me wake up to what I was doing, though it took years to exit the fog.

And I'd never judge a woman in an unfair relationship, I don't like the "golden cock" comments, some of us were trained in childhood that we don't deserve any better than to be used and constantly prove our worthiness to the point of exhaustion.

I wonder if his daughter "looked after him" during the partnerless fallow periods in his life. I'm guessing he stayed with his friend whose wife picked up for him because daughter had gone to Uni/travelling/work away/got married or something.

Could be totally wrong, but there's a pattern there somewhere of female guardian angels flapping their wings around him!

I’ve heard it all now. Unbelievable

Even if he’s never had to do this before, are you genuinely ok with him knowing he’s causing you frustration and not working out for himself how to resolve that?

Me, yes. He's native English. From Yorkshire, not sure if it is a hotbed of misogyny.

My husband is 55 and from Yorkshire. Does all the cooking and shares domestic duties more than equally. Not an excuse.

OP, do you believe he wants to change and do better?

No people are reading it exactly as it is, you are in complete denial. You clearly have had a history of shit relationships if this is the best one you've had. If he's fit enough for "great sex" then he's got enough to do stuff for himself. And god knows why this would take 3 years!

Ok so what is your problem then? Looks like you're pissed off the cleaner isn't doing all of the cleaning so you don't have to.

This is the best relationship I had in my life.

You need to do ThecFreedom Programme. And soon.

Getting in extra help well you already have help is going to cost a small fortune.
And I am sorry but he’s clearly a capable man if he can run a business he can make a dental appointment.
While you say your friends are very happy for you, I would be very concerned if you were my friend.
Again, it’s not rocket science to handwash a few dishes, put a load of washing on or change a bin.
He’s behaving like teenagers I see in threads on here who treat their homes like a hotel and think it all comes for free.
I don’t think he has respect for you at all. I think he’s had his way his whole life. Imagine staying in a friend’s house, and your friend’s wife doing all the work? It would be a CF thread on here, too.
And if he’s in his 60’s he will get more stuck in his ways and you will just become a nurse with a purse.
Not sure how old you are OP, but your earnings should be going on protecting your future, too, not on hiring in more cleaners because this man can’t move a sock or a cup.
The best thing would have been for him to live on his own.
How does he cope with being a father?
And finally, at least don’t marry him..

These question are to try figure out the best advice.
You clearly have your mind made up so why snap at posters here. .

As a side note who pays for the cleaner ?
Did you need /use a cleaner before ?

Need to for a bitchy reply OP more just food for thought for you.

Sorry replied to WRONG THREAD

OP, check out Fair Play - there are a set of cards which cover all aspects of running a home and life - you can talk them through and decide who will do what. And what doing that job actually means.

I absolutely could not find someone attractive who did fuck all round the house and expected me to do it. He's bone idle, wants a maid as a partner and you're enabling it.

he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes.

He'll figure it out if his socks remain dirty, his car hasn't got any charge and his teeth fall out. You don't have to rush in to fill those spaces where it's stuff that affects only him.

And where it affects both of you, like meals - just alternate and say "your turn to make dinner". If it's beans on toast so be it. He might develop a liking for cooking once he starts.

Stop picking up his slack.

Maybe it would be better for him to live nearby and be in charge of his own mess? You're not going to change his dinosaur ways. You could try leaving him lists, as someone suggested. Or give him a list of expectations that he must abide too. But don't enable his nonsense, you will only resent it more over time. Speaking as someone who is enabling a dinosaur.

so hes fantastic apart from the fact hes lazy and useless

Tell him to treat it as a project to establish a new operation.
Buy him a book on housekeeping. Tell him to read it and really think about what is required to meet the objective of having a comfortable, clean home and come up with a plan.
Agree some KPIs
Dinner on the table at 8pm nightly, at least 4 different things, 3 of which must be plants. Something different every night, nothing repeated within 2 weeks unless you both agree.
Keep within budget
House fully cleaned weekly.

Adequate quantities of underwear available at all times
Cat fed and happy

Meet weekly to review

I'm not sure why you've posted really, OP. Or even if this is real. You don't seem all that bothered really; you've made a rod for your own back.

Might be worth thinking about how things would pan out if your health fails.

Please get rid of this manchild what are you thinking ?

Sadly plenty of desperate women do put up with this shit