Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

You have kids and you're letting this freeloader suck you dry? 😑

They don't live with you do they?

@glensof Didn’t something click in your head when you heard that, prior to you, he had already had 3 relationships that lasted ten+ years?

It's easy for him to be generous when you pay all his bills, do all his life admin and feed and house him. How has he got to his 60's with a "successful" business but having to rent a mates spare room, have that mate's wife cook and clean for him before the lazy barnacle attached himself to you? Why was he not housing himself?

You are his retirement plan OP, you will be wiping his arse, paying for the toilet paper and be expected to plaster on a smile for the pleasure of doing so. Are you not angry that he's happy to see you going out to work everyday and he does nothing to ensure the home is clean, comfortable and a meal is ready for you at the end of a long working day? Are you not angry that he's so disrespectful of the efforts you make to care for him while he offers fuck all?

So you're basically supporting him and his stepdaughter financially?

I thought so. I’m also from a culture where being domesticated is expected and unfortunately, I wasn’t prepared to spend time doing anything more than basic cooking and cleaning. It was definitely a factor in my divorce! I’m now happily married in a much more equal partnership.

Annoying but no-one is 100% homemaker. They are people too. Are you 100% your job?

Ew. How can you bring yourself to have sex with a man like this? Just, no.

You are looking for a magic formula that will get your partner to change, to believe there is an unfair division of labour and want to do something about it.
Surely you can see that he has a winning formula already? He pleads ignorance, claims he doesn't know how to perform basic life skills and hey presto, a woman swoops in and rescues him from the boring mundane ever so complicated domestic tasks!
He's in his 60's so the chances of him having some kind of awakening regarding picking up after himself are so close to zero that they're virtually non existent!

The best you're going to get are a few shortlived half hearted attempts to carry out some domestic chores badly, all the while he'll be expecting you to swoop in and rescue him!

I see exactly what's in this relationship for him. What I'm struggling to understand is why you have let him move into your house? You've basically taken on a fully grown child who is never going to grow up now!
Why didn't you simply continue dating and living separately? 🤔
You would still have been able to enjoy all the things you claim to love about him but wouldn't have had to pick up after him.

Kindly, I suggest that the posters here are seeing your situation crystal clear, since they're not being blinded by emotion! They can see exactly how he thinks, but you prefer to see his supposed potential!
This is never going to end well for you!

I think I’d get a temporary housekeeper to train him. Maybe afternoons and they do housework and prep a dinner. Got to be a worthwhile investment if this was a month he’d learn. That’s assuming you don’t want to train him yourself? I believe this stuff should be easily learnt. Assuming willing. If he’s not willing I’d completely loose patience myself.

Seems to me that he is/was supporting all the former females in his life (thanks to you now), but is not supporting YOU either domestically or financially. I honestly could not live with a man like that. You need to build up some self respect and realise your own worth.

I can't believe I'm reading this. I've read a lot of threads on here over the years about suboptimal men but I have never read one yet where an OP is as badly in denial as you are. Wake up, please.

Maybe he's great in bed, maybe he's a sparkling conversationalist, whatever it is I guarantee it will not count for anything after a while.

He's massively massively taking the piss: everyone on this thread can see it apart from you. Literally ever single poster (with the exception of a few people who suggest training him but even they realise this isn't normal).

You're clearly still under his spell so crack on if you must but please at least protect yourself and make sure you can get rid of him when the shit hits the fan.

@glensof He is not paying maintenance now for anyone as all children are adults. He's still supporting his youngest daughter (stepdaughter really, but he treats her as his own) through university.
His ex partners weren't left wanting - even in circumstances where there was no official marriage or joint children. If anything, he's probably on a generous side in that respect compared to an "average" man.

Ye gods!! he really saw you coming, didnt he???? so he is supporting all those people while you support him????? bloody hell, you really need to look at this properly! you are, in effect, enabling him to support them all!! why is he supporting someone who isnt even his daughter? thats like just giving a random person money every month to live on?? as for paying all his exes even when there were no children, that is ridiculous!!! I can see by what you write that you are determined you are going to stay with this user of a man!! no sex is worth being used for!! dont know why you even bother posing if you are not going to look at the bigger picture!!! get out of here!!! if I am wrong in what I am thinking then feel free to say! does he send money to anyone at all and how many people does he send money to?? does he pay any bills at all while living in your house??

He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

If that's true then he has the iq of a tomato and i really don't see how you can find him attractive.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers

How many has he had? He sounds like a serial offender.

You need to have a discussion with him about expectations of housework and how much voluntary work he's doing. I'd probably decide with him the key things that need to be done every week in the home, then he can plan his charity work etc around that so he has time to do both.

I certainly wouldn't spell everything out in huge detail. Work out a simple list together and leave it with him to work out the details. I think the way the discussion goes would give a good indicator as to how this will pan out (either selfish arse or someone keen to learn)

Also, stop doing his life admin, you're neither his secretary nor his mum!

Tbh the more the OP replies, the more I think this has to be a wind up

no one could be this utterly clueless/this much of a doormat

😂

I'm also wondering if this is made up to make women look stupid. Though the advice given so far by so many says we're not.

You obviously want to make it work and believe he is worth the effort.

If he's malleable enough to train then go for it.

To be fair it took me about 5/6 years to train my husband up to an acceptable standard after years of house shares and being brought up in a house that didn't really put much emphasis on cleaning / home cooked meals etc but it was totally worth it as he's great in other respects and now he's good round the house too!

If he's happy to take direction then the list idea is a good start for house tasks. Daily / weekly / monthly etc. It might take more time upfront but it should save you time in the long run once he starts pulling his weight.

The mental load / admin is much harder but I'd crack the house training first then start passing those tasks over one by one.

You could be saving that money you're spending on his holidays etc for your dc.

For me, protecting them financially is top of my priorities as a single mum, when considering a new relationship.

He doesn't work and he doesn't do any housework? Dear lord, he sounds totally useless. What does he bring to the relationship?

Please leave him while you can otherwise you'll end up being a carer for him and won't be able to leave.

The thing I can't get over is that he contributes nothing except for his sparkling personality!
How can he think it's acceptable to spend your money, live in your house and sit on his arse all day, while you work, keep house, make his appointments and see to his every need?
Ask yourself this OP, could you do that to anyone? Let alone a friend or a lover?

You should be saving your money for your retirement and your children not for some exploitative loser. Look into your future, what do you see?

@GreekSun

If he's happy to take direction then the list idea is a good start for house tasks. Daily / weekly / monthly etc. It might take more time upfront but it should save you time in the long run once he starts pulling his weight.

Good grief, why? What's the point of importing an adult child into your life at this age?

If he can't do life admin, how does he support his stepdaughter through university? Hand over wads of cash?