Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

He's continuing to run / manage some charity projects we used to participate in together, that are equally important to us both and are our joint "big" thing in life. The agreement was that he would focus on these, and I would focus on bringing money into the house.
It is not a full time job in the usual sense. Sometimes it takes a few hours per week, sometimes it swallows all his available time. And yes, it is not financially rewarding.

The issue is, he is choosing to be "useless" and life admin and has given zero f's about turfing it all onto you - because if he truly loved and respected you the way you want to believe he does, he would not treat you as his maid / mother. He is choosing not to do this stuff and leave it to you. It's not that he can't remember / doesn't notice / hasn't been trained - it's that he's not respecting you enough to not be a basic decent person and pull his weight.

This is why people are saying ltb, he's a cock lodger etc.
You're having to overlook an awful lot to be able to love someone who shamelessly treats you like a servant. It's a stingy form of love he is offering you imo.

English is not my first language, so maybe that's the problem

You know full well it’s not the problem, your English is indistinguishable from a native speaker.

The problem is that at 60 years old he functions like a 6-year-old in terms of domestic responsibilities and you seem to think this can be solved if only you could figure out how to tell him to step up and learn to pick up his socks in the right way.

You cannot get someone to learn something they are not interested in learning.

Your “partner” (have a think about what that word REALLY means) does not want to learn how to look after himself. If he did, he would have done so long before now.

Oh for god's sake wake up, it's very clear where the cock lodger comments are coming from.

Ask him to move out, find his own place, learn how to be a grown up (which includes learning how to cook and clean up after yourself and do the washing) and you can date during that period.

Once he has learnt those skills, which qualify him as an "adult", you can think about him moving back in with you.

However, I'll bet that if you kicked him out, he'd just move onto another woman and cocklodge there, because it's really not you that he's into, he likes the money and domestic labour you provide.

Wake up OP, he's using you.

I bet she had a thread on here about being saddled with him and wanted him out!

This is exactly where eh cocklodger comments come from

From early 30s to 20. All adults.

Not many posts make me actually laugh out loud, but this one did! 🤣🤣🤣
I completely agree!

What’s the expression, charity begins at home? He does charity work - but won’t wash a few dishes for his exhausted wife 🤔 .

OP you’re going to defend him, whatever your reasons are. Maybe some anonymous posters aren’t aware of. I hope it works out for you.

Why do you not move I together sooner ? Did this happen when his fortunes turned ?
Whose idea was it and why?

"His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone"."

Presumably he lived by himself while between wives/partners (I note your use of the plural in your OP)? So he will have cleaned up after himself, cooked, etc, without having to be told? Or did he live in squalor? Ask him why he can't do what he did when living alone after he moves in with a woman

This guy's in clover!

He knows you're not going to kick him out OP. That's the problem - you're a pushover 🤷‍♀️

But if you're happy with it - have at it.

Do you not get home and say 'what's for tea?' 🤷‍♀️

OP he is a grown adult with plenty of life experience. It is absolute nonsense that he “just doesn’t see” his own dirty clothes or crockery or the rubbish in your house. He is just so used to seeing it as womens work that he knows if he leaves it long enough, you will just do it.
Given that you have asked him multiple times to pull his weight, and he still hasn’t, the only solution is an ultimatum. This doesn’t need to mean an end of the relationship, but you could decide you no longer want to share homes with someone who has different values about their living environment.
Would he live alone if he moved out, or would he find another sap or a friend with a helpful woman to do all his picking up again to move in with?

First person asking this question. I'm wondering what his place looked like when OP used to just visit. Was it clean? Was it dirty? Did you use to clean up for him portraying it as if you enjoyed doing so? I will seriously like to know if you didn't see any signs that he was like this. I hate housework, DP knew this before we moved in together because I was very vocal about it, not that I'm a sloppy bish but i don't like doing it. So, i cook and do dishes while DP is the one that tidies our living room and hoovers, he cleans cooker and microwave while cleaning the bathroom is on me. This works for us

@glensof I am guessing that he has had so many long term relationships because it takes around 10 years for the women involved to realise that he is taking a big piss???? how many kids is he paying for????? and how much ex wife maintenance???

He was living 2+ hours away to be closer to his daughter who was finishing school. I had kids at home too. Then also covid times (remember that)?
No, he did not move with me when his fortunes turned, they turned pretty much very soon after we started (casually) dating. I knew him for aroung 5 years (more or less) before that.

I'm not feeling positive re him making any worthwhile changes.
Hard as it is, I don't think this is going to work out

Realistically, he's not going to "regroup" and start earning again. He's in his 60s with health issues - he's more likely to retire.

He ought to take up the house-husband role if you're still working and supporting him financially for fairness.

@glensof
I've read a lot of advice on mumsnet over the years, I love the voice of older wiser women on here. I can't get you to believe in this wisdom as I do but just read these responses.
No one has to post on here most are trying to help in their own free time. Most posters are saying he will not change and that's not fair on you. You are saying that's fine you love him anyway despite the fact that he really doesn't make any effort to make your life even a bit more comfortable.
But allow those wise voices some space. Maybe come back to this thread in a few weeks or months. Maybe think about why you don't want an easier life. As humans we are capable of loving people and things that are very bad for us. I once heard someone say in response to your position "But I love him"," I loved heroin but I had to give it up as it was killing me. " Love can be toxic, love can be a bad thing.

Don't do any housework either, or rather the bare minimum. Socks and mugs don't matter much, dust accumulates, but there are more interesting things to do than dust. Hoover once a month and pick up anything that needs to go in the washing machine/dish washer. Do a monthly shop of frozen food and ready meals. Be happy. If he misses his dentist's appointment it's him will have to pay for it.

This is the best relationship I had in my life

This is sad. He knows you are desperate for this to be the one that lasts, and that you have had previous bad relationships. He is exploiting (consciously or subconsciously) your vulnerability and knows you will never ever end this.

This cocklodger has found his nurse with a purse 🙄

He is not paying maintenance now for anyone as all children are adults. He's still supporting his youngest daughter (stepdaughter really, but he treats her as his own) through university.
His ex partners weren't left wanting - even in circumstances where there was no official marriage or joint children. If anything, he's probably on a generous side in that respect compared to an "average" man.