Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

No, your English is absolutely not the problem. The situation is clear.

You don't want to move him out so you will have to endure this. He will not change.

As for 'nip it in the bud' - well his mother didn't do it, did she? That's where the problem began. She presumably waited on him hand and foot and did the same for his dad and he now thinks that's just how life should be.

So there's no nipping it in the bud. He's not going to change OP. He's in his 60s and he's never learnt to fend for himself. I doubt very much you're going to change him.

Presumably when he lived on his own he could pick up his own socks, the last 4 years or did his cleaner do that for him too. I have known cleaners who did for for men in their 60s, that's why I ask.

You're taking on a man who has fundamental trouble with existing by himself. That to me is is not attractive but perhaps you like a project.

Bottom line: he's not going to change. He's in his 60s. You can't teach an old dog of this age, new tricks.

I’d take it’s back a massive step .

Has he ever lived alone and had to sort himself out? Tell him that you want to simplify things as you aren’t the nagging wife type the relationship has made you turn into too .

He should rent his own place learn how to survive alone then in the future you can posisbly combine an home again.

This is your pension that you’re frittering away on a man who is too lazy to polish a doorknob.

OP, if he wanted to pull his weight at home, he would. It makes no difference that he hasn't had to do it previously. He would have learned by now if he considered it important enough.

You need to decide whether you can live with a man who fundamentally believes that this stuff is your responsibility. If you're happy to accept his strategic incompetence because other aspects of the relationship are good, then that's your choice. Just don't kid yourself that anything is going to change.

For me, the fact that you've spoken to him about it and he hasn't got his act together would be a dealbreaker. I couldn't live with someone who treated me with so little respect. But we're all different. Only you can decide how much it matters to you.

I read an amazing post on a thread on MN a while ago which addressed this very point.

It's abuse basically. If one partner in relationship takes their leisure at the expense of the other's leisure, downtime, health or wealth, they're abusive. I'm probably not explaining it well, but it made a lot of sense to me. And when you really pay attention to those people, they will be abusive and manipulative in other ways too.

Yes. I do judge a man who supposedly ran a successful business but doesn't work, won't pick up his socks, leaves dirty dishes around, won't plug in a car to charge, and won't make his own appointments. He literally does nothing but breathe, eat, and have sex, according to glensof (and shades of the handmaid's tale there). He supposedly lived with a friend and the wife picked up after him.

That's a put back dusty loser.

@glensof so if he is broke, how much is he still shelling out for his daughter and her family home eg mother, while you subsidise his living expenses and holidays???

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.
Move out. Date. Let him stand on his own two feet as a fully fledged adult for at least a year and then discuss living together. But that means you stop infantilising him by "helping" with admin, cleaning, cooking.

And then get therapy for yourself to understand why you are trying to be a saviour instead of an equal partner.

He is 60+!!!! What golden cock? BFR (be for real as teens say).

Here is the thing. I am 64. I was the SAHP for about 20 years then I went back to school at 56 and by 60 I was starting a private practice. Being 60 is NOT TOO OLD to learn lots of new things. When our circumstances change we must adapt and change too.

Move out, life's too short for training up boyfriends.

Yes, if the situation does not change, I would try to change my attitude to it. The pros I get are well worth the cons. Well, practically I probably just would buy in some extra help.

How old are his kids? So youve been together since he was approx 58, before then he was in 3 10yr + live in relationships. I'd say that was fairly unusual.

You are being taken for a fool OP and it's disheartening to read, you don't sound stupid so why are you letting him take the piss?

He ran a business that made 💰 but he can't tell when the dishes need done or the laundry needs washed etc????? Come on. Give your head a wobble.

I gradually took his life admin over these 4 years.

This can't be fucking serious.

Well, just do that then. Get a second cleaner.

How did he run his own business if he can’t cope with admin, insurance, bills, subscriptions etc?

He needs to move out. If he can get his shit together and live on his own as an adult for 6 months, you consider having him back.

Why would you ever indulge this shit?

Xpost. Quite.

I was also "very very happy" for many years with a man who I adored, while I paid the bills and did everything domestically.

Turns out I had arse-backwards ideas about love, relationships, and my own value, from an abusive childhood.

Just tell him that living together isn’t working out the way you’d envisaged and that you think the two of you work better as a couple when living separately.

Say that you don’t want to lose all the things you value in your relationship as a couple so, to save the relationship, you need to go back to living separately.

If he argues the toss, say that you are not prepared to be cast in the role of headteacher, or supervisor or nagging wife, nor of domestic servant. If he wants the two of you to continue living under the same roof you are confident that he, as a competent adult with decades of experience running a successful business under his belt, will be more than capable of addressing all the various things that you have raised with him over the past six months without you having to repeat yourself, and without you being cast in the role of headteacher, nag etc.

Tell him you would of course be delighted if he did make a decision to address all those issues, and then actually got them sorted. But based on the last six months you’ve concluded that won’t happen and he’ll need to be living somewhere else by (date). Explain that the conversation you are having with him is not you bargaining with him. It is not you negotiating with him. It is you explaining that the current situation isn’t working for you, and therefore you’ll be going back to living separately. If he’d prefer to sort out the issues you’ve raised repeatedly over the last six months, that’s fine, but you’d need to see the change from him immediately, and you won’t insult him by acting as his supervisor. Ball’s in his court. But the default position is you go back to living separately.

And you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

He’s at home all day and you have a cleaner! He’s have a right laugh.

I'm going to be an amateur psychologist and say that you like the situation because he's your child/dog/cat/golden fish and whatever else in one package, that needs constant attention.
You may have such a low esteem that you find validation in the little crumbs of affection he's throwing your way while he's completely and totally using you. He sees you as convenient, weak, someone who's probably starved for affection and validation and needs the kind of relationship where they're the ones doing everything and that makes them feel useful.
You're not shit at explaining the situation. You are describing it very well, the problem is that you're the only one who doesn't see the situation as it is - you being immensely grateful for being abused by a CF.

Actually, she has his elder brother, the Lesser Walleted Cocklodger..