Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

[glensof]

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

If he has run a successful business in the past, approach this as if it were a business/workplace task.

X and Y need to happen.
How can those goals be achieved?

It seems he was capable of identifying what needs to be done and sorting it out or finding an appropriate person to sort it when he ran a business, therefore he can apply the same to home.

Situation: 'Socks need to be on feet, or in the drawer marked Socks or in the laundry basket.'

Solution: 'Look for socks where socks should not be. Relocate socks appropriately when seen. Either run this as an 'always on' program or set up specific times a day to go on a stray sock hunt'.

Goal: Having clean clothes regularly.
Relevant facts: Washer takes 1.5 hours. X loads to be done per week. Drying takes X hours.
Solution: Washing needs to be done by him X times per week - set up times to gather and run washing program.

Tell him you are not the socks/laundry/food/admin department. He will need to actively think about these things and identify and correct issues as they arise until it is second nature.

He can of course, if he has the funds, outsource some of this work to a third party, but he will need to arrange this himself.

Just as he would not expect his accountant to do the laundry or his solicitor to book his dental appointments, he should not expect you to cover all the work needed in Household Co. either!

I'm afraid that however nice he is, he sounds more like a child than an adult.

Oh god yes I agree with this, I can't imagine having to book my husbands appointments.

In fact if he asked, the response from me would be 'fuxk off, I am not your PA' and then I would probably laugh as I would have assumed he is joking.

If you can't do your own personal admin then you are either so entitled that you expect someone else to do it instead of you or actually incapable due to some mental or physical issue.

I think you are just after some practical ideas to try and get him doing a bit more domestic stuff.

Does he cook? Could you choose meal delivery options like Hello Fresh or Gusto so he can have a meal prepared each evening for when you are home. Then together fill the dishwasher?

I seriously would leave the socks and mugs to pile up. Maybe after a few days drop the hint. My DH just doesn't see stuff lying around.

With only 2 of you and a cleaner there can't be much else that needs doing day to day.

As he's been ill maybe life admin will need some encouragement too - so remind him to make an appointment etc. Yes you shouldn't have to ask but asking him is better than doing it yourself.

I’d say simply stop doing anything for him. Dental/medical appointments - let him make his own without reminder. If they don’t happen, not your problem. If he leaves clothes lying around, find a corner or place to toss everything into. Don’t do any laundry for him. Only cook when it suits you and cook what you like without considering his preferences. In essence, do nothing for him.

He’s taking advantage of you. There’s a reason his three previous relationships only lasted 10 years each and I’m surprised they lasted as long.

He's also now considering himself as retired I suspect. He has no intention of earning money again or spending his retirement doing domestic stuff.

OMG just read you have a cleaner already but he still can't clean up after himself
How do I get a sweet, sweet gig like this?

I gradually took his life admin over these 4 years.

Why? Why are you doing it for him?

I think it's a case of "golden cock" here!

OP said they have fantastic sex..

You say he has a small amount of savings and would be able to live by himself, so why didn't he do this instead of lodging with a friend for a year? Don't you find it repellent that the friend's wife had to pick up after him for a whole year?

what shared values do you have? That women should shoulder all the burden domestically so men can sit on their backsides all day?

I think I would tell him that it's been 6 months now but living together is just not working for me. He knows what the issue is, it's been discussed before, but nothing has changed, so it would be better to go back to living apart.

Some of these posts...judge much?!

If you want to be a trainer, get a puppy. Much easier to deal with than a man child who was used to be waited on hand and foot.
Keep the relationship alive if you want but postpone the move by any chance you can get. You will be completely stressed out, having to come home to a dirty house and a lazy bum sitting on the sofa doing nothing and you will have a problem evicting him once he's there. Spare yourself the trouble.

Nope. Couldn’t be having with this. Tell him he’s got 2 weeks to pull it together or he’s out on his ear.

WHY?!?!? JUST: WHY?!?!?!

I have a great approach with DH that I recommend. I bought a large basket that fits under a bench seat, and everything that he leaves lying around on the floor/table/worktops goes in it. If it fills up to the extent that I can't fit anything else in it, it goes in a black bin liner and in the bin.

Funnily enough, he's now an awful lot tidier. I'm buggered if I'm coming home from work to pick his dirty socks up off the floor. He does his own washing/ironing, I cook because I value being alive but he clears it up and is responsible for the dishwasher. I'm his equal, not his skivvy.

Surely you knew this before? So why did you move in with him?

You can't fix it He could change...but he just doesn't want to.

OP I can see that you really want to stay with him.

Is this a situation you're willing to live with, if he doesn't change? Although it's annoying to you now (and would be intolerable for most women), you do seem very keen on him.

Are the pros worth the cons to you? I'm reluctant to say it, but could you shift your mindset to being ok with how things are?

(Caveat - I don't think you should have to, I think he's a disrespectful arse. Also I question his commitment given that he's already promised to love 3 other women forever)

You are kidding yourself. He may not have ever had to do it but of course he knows it needs to be done. You are being really suited in here by making it your issue to help him learn. He knows. He just doesn't care that much.

So now he’s not earning his own money is found a woman game to bankroll him, he doesn’t even have to lift a finger at home. She even thinks this is a “brilliant” relationship. Kerching.

He makes me very happy and therefore all my friends are also very happy for me. This is the best relationship I had in my life. Honestly, I must be really shit at painting the situation as most posters seem to read something different from what I was intending to say. English is not my first language, so maybe that's the problem.

Good plan, mine eats socks.

OP - what does he do all day?

I think you are going to need to treat it as a gradual project as you get him to take on more responsibility for the work in your team . Ultimately all relationships are about team work and we are good at different things . What isn’t ok is you doing all the work . I’d start with him doing most of the week day cooking