She doesn't speak English - pointless meeting up

[Dannnyy]

My brother recently got engaged, he and his fiancée are coming to visit next week, we have met her briefly but have no relationship with her really.
My parents really want us all to go out for a meal, however she speaks 3 languages none of which are English. I know my brother could just translate and I have school level knowledge of one language. However I think it would be extremely awkward, and just not very fun. Apparently she is learning English but my brother says she's not in any hurry to get "good" at it.

AIBU to think it's pointless meeting for a meal in these circumstances?

Bloody hell, OP, you're not coming across well at all.

I am bilingual but I've been in situations where I've had to socialise with people I didn't have a language in common with. I've muddled through with elderly Italians in my very basic Spanish, and sometimes just had to rely on smiles and body language with my sister in law's Turkish parents who don't speak a word of English.

You just make the effort, for the benefit of your loved one. Scintillating conversation about current affairs or football or astrology isn't the purpose of the meeting.

YABU

Weird. My brother is 16 years older and he's still one of my best friends. I guess it is the one year that make the difference.

However, you don't have to meet her if this is your attitude. Your instinct is "what's the point" instead of "tips on how to do this" and that says a lot. I really don't want to sound rude but think about this for one second how you think eating with someone your own brother is going to spend rest of his life with is completely pointless just cause you don't get to coverse the way you expect. The stakes are so low, worst thing that could happen is that conversations doesn't flow.

My mom speaks not that great English anymore and my grandmother doesn't speak a word. Yet my bf is capable of having a convo with them. It involves a lot of pointing, translating, both using words that other may know in some language. Pointing to a flower and saying "bella" is universal enough even if nobody speaks Italian.

That being said. She propably does speak a bit of English.

Oh and I suggest you book a holiday abroad and do some Duolingo to pick up a few basic words in the language of the country you're going to, because you REALLY need to expand your horizons!

Why is everyone so against being spoken to slowly and loudly? Surely that is exactly what you should do if speaking to someone who speaks very little of your language?

I don’t speak my DCs father’s first language and most of his family don’t speak English ( I still manage to have a good laugh with them I might add) but I am working on it. And I absolutely love when his mother speaks slowly and loudly to me! Everyone gives her a hard time for it but I find it so helpful for my learner brain 😂

There are lots of ways to communicate without language.
Making an effort to go for a meal with someone and spend time with them sends a strong positive message.
Not bothering sends a different but also very clear message.
Go and see what happens - it will probably be way more fun than you expect. She sounds like an interesting person!

Dear oh dear...

But this would be a very uncommon scenario. Someone else said a sense of humour helps - it really does. I speak 4 languages but am hampered by being a shy introvert with zero confidence! I’m always terrified I’m going to make a really embarrassing mistake or that people will think me stupid. But, when we went on holiday to France (not one of my languages), I tried ordering tickets with my long forgotten gcse French and the ticket officer was lovely (I hear this is not that common in Paris!) - waited patiently, chuckled at my small mistakes and helped out when I couldn’t say what I wanted to! My friend, who is brilliant at laughing at herself and not taking herself too seriously, told an entire language class a story about The Princess and the Pea in Italian, not realising that the word for a single pea is also the equivalent to “willy”, so when you think about the story, it gives it a whole new twist! I would have been mortified but she found it hilarious when she was told what she’d done! My mum told her potential new son-in-law that later, she would eat him instead of saying she would give him something to eat!
I still feel awkward in these situations but with all of you there you should be able to muddle through fine - your parents sound keen so will likely make a good effort. And a meal is always good because you can talk about the food if nothing else!

I've just reread, and you even have school level knowledge of one of her languages!

You really do sound incredibly insular. As has been pointed out, the evening is going to be much harder for her, communication-wise. You just sound as though you can't be bothered. I hope your parents are much more enthusiastic about meeting their prospective DIL.

Look on this as a fantastic chance to improve your school level language, maybe doing a crash Duolingo course before you meet.

Here's a novel idea - learn one of the three languages that she does speak. Then you and her can talk away about anything and everything.

I hate the idea that everybody has to know how to speak English instead of at least trying to learn another language. At least try for goodness sake.

Knobbish attitude

@Dannnyy You say you are surprised she speaks no English as she’s from a country where they learn English in school?

Yet you live in a country where they learn French, German, Spanish in school. So why don’t YOU speak any other language?

Wow.

she’s joining your family.
how you treat her now will determine how closely you can maintain connection to your brother, how close youll be with their children later.
your brother loves this woman
he will want to create a family,
a life, memories with this woman.
and if you don’t make an effort to welcome her, to be hospitable, to be generous and patient then she will withdraw, taking your brother with her.

as is true for so many sons when they marry.
it’s very often the women of a family that maintain connections, that arrange get to gathers.

and you are suggesting there is no point in trying to get to know this woman.

if language really is an issue, then there are other ways to foster warmth and connection.
walking together, visiting tourist spots where there are things to point to, or nature.
you could cook together.
go to ballet/dance/theatre performances
things where you can share an experience if not the language to talk about it .

id be gutted if my family didn’t want to find ways to welcome my new partner.

Why is everyone so against being spoken to slowly and loudly? Surely that is exactly what you should do if speaking to someone who speaks very little of your language?

You speakimg loudly and slowly yo someone who barely speaks language will not magically make them understand vocabulary they don't know....

Did you and your much younger brother have very different upbringings?

No I wouldn’t, but again you’ve entirely missed the point I was making.
The OP has never bothered learning a single other language, yet is disgruntled that the brother’s girlfriend doesn’t speak hers, despite speaking 3 others.
I travel a lot around Europe with my job, and have spent time living in 3 other European countries, and I’ve found that more and more people don’t speak English nowadays, for a variety of reasons. I would never expect anyone else speaks English. Not only does the OP expect the girlfriend to speak English (maybe reasonable, to some extent), she’s actually disgruntled that she doesn’t (unreasonable).
Not sure why we’re arguing about this though, it’s just my opinion.

Oh fuck off nobody is this unwelcoming surely 😂

my dc has a little pal who’s mum doesn’t speak much English and if her dh isn’t with her to translate we just use our phones.
She is now my friend, she always hugs me, we send little gifts to one another and we stand together in the school yard.
We know we have a language barrier and both put in the effort to understand the other one and try to make sure the other understands what we’re saying.
Its really minimal effort to have a lovely friend. Why wouldn’t anyone do that for their own brother?

Probably best if you dont go. Your vibes arent coming across very positive. She may not speak the language but your vibe will give a lot away.

Impressive that she speaks three languages. She'l pick up English quickly too. Or you could make an effort to learn the languages she knows.

You don't need to speak the same language to communicate.

I know a school mum who is deaf. She is so lovely. We communicate through smiles, facial expressions and body language. I speak, she doesnt and I know nothing about official sign language.

I know another lovely mum who speaks a totally different language. We both speak our own langugages, with smiles, facial expressions, body language and the odd words of English from her.

Like all the british kids forced to take french in school are so fluent that they can have a riveting conversation with the in laws? 😁

Really, what's the worst that can happen? You get food and be awkward. I think you'll live.

Have you thought about starting to learn her language OP? How lovely it would be if you met her and could address her in a few words of her own language.

Seriously, I had a whole morning alone with my honorary SIL when we first met. Neither spoke each other’s language. We talked all morning. A lot of smiling, laughing, pantomime, pointing at things and saying what they were in our own languages, ‘teaching’ each other phrases.

Decide to enjoy yourself and to like her and welcome her into the family. You’ll have a much better time than you think. Not that your enjoyment is actually the priority here.

It’s just about showing support towards your brother and welcoming her into the family.

If the evening is a little awkward because your brother is translating, then so be it.

You will be eating anyway.

Imagine how anxious she must feel, meeting the family and having a language barrier.

The least you can do is show up and be nice for an hour or 2.

I don’t think it will be as bad as you think.

OP already has school level knowledge of one. And to be honest I don't think she particularly needs to learn any more. She just needs to be welcoming and smiley and open to the fact that her brother translating is absolutely fine, instead of seeing it as an irritant.

😳😳😳 Really??!!
YABVVU … and very narrow minded 🙄
Google translate is your friend.

I do find it odd that a young girl that speaks 3 languages doesn’t speak any English 🤔