DS and his GF living with us temporarily

[Glossiy]

DS is 25, last year he went travelling and met a girl, they spent Christmas with her family and have now come to stay with us for a few months before moving to Australia together. She is nice enough, however I’m finding it very hard.
Also at home are DS2 who is 22 and DD2 who is 18. DD1 is 20 and at uni but home a lot in breaks.

She isn’t British so she can’t work while here at all, this means she is just around the house a lot, she is clean and tidy but I feel like I never get a break. DS is only back in the UK as he wants to finish some stuff he started before he went travelling before moving.
The other big issue is she never eats with the family, for DS it’s about 50/50 but I make dinner for 6pm and she is souther European so states she couldn’t possibly eat that early. This leads to her cooking at 10pm, the kitchen is right below our bedroom so I can always hear her clattering about when I’m trying to sleep.
Then there is the issue of she smokes, not loads but one or two a day, the rule we set was not in or near the house, bottom of the garden only. However it’s become apparent DS has been letting her smoke out his bedroom window in the evening. DH also thinks she has smoked cannabis too as one night he went to put some rubbish out and could smell it. However whenever I say to DS about this he claims she doesn’t, both for out of the window and for weed.
I’ve also noticed she takes ridiculously long showers, DD2 has complained about this as sometimes she will need to get out to go to college in the morning but can’t get a shower, I mentioned to DS and he said he’d ask her to speed up or wait until everyone had left in the morning, but nothing has changed.
This one is a little awkward but we share a wall with DS room and on several occasions now we have heard them having sex … rather enthusiastically. DH said he mentioned to DS one morning “you two were a bit loud last night” and DS just laughed and said sorry we will keep it down, they haven’t! There has also been several times where I’ve walked into the kitchen etc. and they have been full on making out, playing bloody tonsil tennis!
I hate to say it but I feel like I’m actually counting down the days until he visa is up even though I know that means my DS will be moving to the other side of the world.

AIBU to think they need to look into a short term flat share or something as I don’t think I can keep living like this! Any advice appreciated.

You just need to lay down some rules or else they find somewhere else to stay?

The early eating I get - but you need to say that the latest she can use the kitchen is 8/9pm and no later.

Smoking - sometimes if someone is a reasonably heavy smoker it can linger in their clothes which is what you can be smelling but if she is smoking out the window, that needs to be knocked on the head.

Showering - if she’s at home and not working she showers once everyone has had theirs and gone work/school - or she has a quick one ( no more than 5 min )

Sex - hmmm, your son obviously doesn’t care if you can hear which is a bit gross in itself honestly! But he should respect you all and keep the noise down.

You need to have this conversation with both of them because he might not be telling her?

They should move out. It's too long- very different to spending Xmas with her family. Give them til end of feb. Max

I feel a bit awkward having the conversation with her as I don't really know her and I don't want us to come across badly, good point that DS might just not be passing it on though!

Why are you letting them get away with this behaviour? I know he’s your son but they’re taking the piss. I don’t suppose there’s much you can do about the girlfriend hanging around the house - it would be a bit mean to insist she leave every day especially in the middle of winter - but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with saying all cooking/tidying in the kitchen must be done by 9pm at the latest so that it doesn’t disturb your relaxing/sleeping, and as for the loud sex, I would be warning that if I hear them at it again then I’ll be walking in without knocking to tell them to pack it in!

Basically, you just need to woman up and stop letting them walk all over you.

Honestly I'm awful at confrontation.
I asked if she could cook earlier and DS simply replied "she's not hungry earlier".
The sex is really disturbing tbh but he seemed to not really care when DH brought it up!

Yes, speak to her about the cooking and ask her to eat at 8 or 9. Clattering about at 10pm would disturb and irritate me a lot.

The sex thing, if you dont want to raise the subjext with them then maybe put a radio or tv in your room and turn the volume up when they are at it and hope they get the message!

Both you and your husband need to sit down with both of them and have a honest conversation.

Eating - she needs to prepare her food and eat earlier. She may be used to eating at 10 pm, but this is your home, not a hotel, where she can choose when she eats.

Shower - if she's not working, then there's no reason why she can't have hers after everyone else in the morning.

Smoking - absolutely no smoking in the house, even out the window and definitely no weed.

Sex - you understand that they are both adults, but you don't want to hear them having sex. Keep the noise down or you'll start banging on the wall/bedroom door.

Both need to understand that they aren't staying in a hotel. Yes, it's your son's home but it's being shared with others too. They need to be more respectful and considerate to others.

I mean it doesn't sound completely horrendous I the grand scheme of things. It sounds more like she's just upsetting the natural rhythm of your home. It doesn't help she's there all the time as she can't work, she's obviously not with her friends or family.

Tell her that if she wants to use the kitchen that late can she reheat dinner or have a microwave meal!

Sex - bang on the bloody wall!

Kissing in the kitchen - nothing you can really do about this, bit weird as his mum to see this but at least he has a passionate relationship. Maybe make a joke about getting the hose out on them the next time you see it lol.

Showers - bang on the door if you need the bathroom. It doesn't have to be massively controversial just let her know she needs to hurry the fuck up. Pretend you need a wee and you've been waiting too long.

Try and make the most of your DS before he moves to Australia. You will regret asking him to move to a flat before they go.

I'd shrug off the cooking. Annoying but not a big deal.

The sex I would call out at the time. Bang on the door and tell them to shut up 😂 It can be done quietly and they're making a choice not to and have no problems making YOU uncomfortable in your own home. Not on. The smoking too, really disrespectful

Do your DC need to get up sooner and nab the shower first?

It would be a shame for them to leave on a bad note, you don't want it to set the tone for your ongoing relationship with them as a couple as the distance will make it hard to move forward but the DISRESPECT needs calling out

There are several things here that i wouldn't tolerate.

Clattering about when you're in bed Is totally unacceptable.

She's not in southern Europe or in her own home. She must adapt. Not you.

She can eat earlier. Cook earlier. Or alter her habits. You don't have to put up with this from a visitor.

You should have replied to your DS “I understand she may not want to eat her portion until
later but you’re both living here rent-free so I don’t think pitching in with some household chores like cooking is too much to ask.”

It sounds like your son still had a lot of growing up to do, and honestly you’re not doing him any favours by being so easy on him. You need to set firm but fair boundaries so that he learns how to be a considerate adult. Imagine he behaves at someone else’s house the way his girlfriend is behaving at yours - wouldn’t you be deeply embarrassed?! Save him from making a tit of himself in future.

"You are smoking in the house when we explicitly said it wasn't allowed. You also keep me awake with your noisy cooking late at night. If these things aren't improved within a week, you will have to find an alternative place to stay"

Say it to her directly. Your son can then go with her if he likes or can just date her while living at home.

Agree with PP. Speak directly to her. Be blunt.

Other cultures are often more direct than ours and you will have to be explicit.

"We don't have cooking after 8.30pm. I have to relax in the evening before getting up early and working full time".

Agree that you need to be blunt with her
Blunt but polite
You’ve told your ds how you feel about these issues and things haven’t improved . It is time to politely approach her .If your ds takes umbrage to this then he can move out.

• noisy sex - bang on the wall
•cook at normal time and reheat (how rude not too in your house)
•smoking - probably is from her clothes.
•showers - she waits until everyone has go to work - Cheecky mare.
•necking - tell them to get a room.

She's getting free accommodation yet is showing very little fundamental respect
This is does not bode very well for the future.....and her relationship with your ds.

Is she paying anything to live there? I mean, I wouldn't have her staying except the odd night. It's not real life to expect to live with you and treat it like a backpacking hostel. Especially as you barely know her!

I'd probably suck a lot of this up tbh - your son is moving to the other end of the world in the near future so the end is in sight

However basic manners and respect have to be adhered to - so absolutely I'd bang on the wall or door if I was being forced to endure their sex sessions with them

Maybe different to the above posters but how long is left before your son and really his possible future wife leave your home and live half way around the world?

There is a line between laying down some rules and ruining future relationships with your child and his possible future wife when you’ll be relying on them travelling to visit you or them letting you stay with them. Grandchildren too.

Loud sex, sure make a comment but not in a judgy way, more in a young love but we don’t want to hear you way.

Making out like another poster. Joke about getting the hose, or getting a room… plays into the loud sex there.

Cooking. By all means set a cooking time for full on clattering but I wouldn’t have an issue with heating up something made prior in the microwave or briefly in the oven as long as she leaves it clean.

showers ask her personally if she can go earlier or after everyone’s left.

but do remember if they leave in a huff and puff of you being “unfair” that’s what they will both ultimately remember if their last time being with you before moving half way across the globe.

That's so disrespectful to you all.

Honestly I'd get them together and tell them straight.

It's great you have wonderful sex but we don't want to hear it.

See what their reaction is... don't be embarrassed as they're clearly not embarrassed.

So you have 5 young adults living with you? This would drive me mad.

Is he looking to emigrate, or is the move to Oz not long-term? Under normal circs, I'd not tolerate her smoking, or late cooking, but with him potentially leaving long-term, I'd potentially suck it up as I'd hate for him to feel our last few weeks together were marred by her behaviour. She sounds awful though. I'd be hoping they split.

Tell her that the latest she can cook is, say 830 or whatever time you decide, and that if she wants to eat later than that it has to be a sandwich or something that doesn't involve clattering around your kitchen.

Op, do you know exactly when your ds is supposed to be leaving ?

Let's hope DS does not say: "Well I had to listen to you two having sex when I was young!! 😂

She must be instructed to shower after everyone has gone to work. No ifs, no buts, no pussyfooting. A clear instruction.

Ditto the smoking.

Ditto the cooking late at night. Just tell her. When I go abroad or stay with someone else I fit in with them. Not to do so is just plain rude.

You say their bedroom is attached to yours and you can hear them having sex. Sure fire way to make this stop would be to also have a very loud and passionate session every time you hear them...faked or otherwise 😜