DS and his GF living with us temporarily

[Glossiy]

DS is 25, last year he went travelling and met a girl, they spent Christmas with her family and have now come to stay with us for a few months before moving to Australia together. She is nice enough, however I’m finding it very hard.
Also at home are DS2 who is 22 and DD2 who is 18. DD1 is 20 and at uni but home a lot in breaks.

She isn’t British so she can’t work while here at all, this means she is just around the house a lot, she is clean and tidy but I feel like I never get a break. DS is only back in the UK as he wants to finish some stuff he started before he went travelling before moving.
The other big issue is she never eats with the family, for DS it’s about 50/50 but I make dinner for 6pm and she is souther European so states she couldn’t possibly eat that early. This leads to her cooking at 10pm, the kitchen is right below our bedroom so I can always hear her clattering about when I’m trying to sleep.
Then there is the issue of she smokes, not loads but one or two a day, the rule we set was not in or near the house, bottom of the garden only. However it’s become apparent DS has been letting her smoke out his bedroom window in the evening. DH also thinks she has smoked cannabis too as one night he went to put some rubbish out and could smell it. However whenever I say to DS about this he claims she doesn’t, both for out of the window and for weed.
I’ve also noticed she takes ridiculously long showers, DD2 has complained about this as sometimes she will need to get out to go to college in the morning but can’t get a shower, I mentioned to DS and he said he’d ask her to speed up or wait until everyone had left in the morning, but nothing has changed.
This one is a little awkward but we share a wall with DS room and on several occasions now we have heard them having sex … rather enthusiastically. DH said he mentioned to DS one morning “you two were a bit loud last night” and DS just laughed and said sorry we will keep it down, they haven’t! There has also been several times where I’ve walked into the kitchen etc. and they have been full on making out, playing bloody tonsil tennis!
I hate to say it but I feel like I’m actually counting down the days until he visa is up even though I know that means my DS will be moving to the other side of the world.

AIBU to think they need to look into a short term flat share or something as I don’t think I can keep living like this! Any advice appreciated.

Just proves how ungrateful and rude they are!

You need to lay down some laws.
The next time you hear them having loud sec bang loudly on the wall. The second time, wait a day and have your own loud (fake obviously) session. That should gross your son out enough to make a point.

Well done OP.
You tolerated her for too long.
You have a busy full house of adult children and you don't need any more.
I would have helped her pack.

Hold your nerve here.
Let them off.

Ok so the girlfriend could do some volunteering instead of being around the house all day.
The smoking, tell her directly that she needs to smoke outside as you have already discussed.
The cooking, could she not cook earlier and reheat later.
The sex I just find it disrespectful that he thinks it’s acceptable in your home especially when you’re on the other side of the wall but also his siblings are in the house.
You and DH need to sit them both down and be firm with the ground rules just because he is in his 20s doesn’t mean he can disrespect you and your home.

I agree, if it was me I'd suck it up because I'd hate for DS to be going to the other side of the world and leaving on a bad note. The smoke is probably lingering on her clothes. Smoke does that. I hate even walking past smokers because they stink of smoke. I'd tell your kids to get up a bit earlier to get into the shower first before DS's gf. If she's not going to work she can go after others who have to leave the house first. Make sure they leave her hot water though. Nothing to do about kissing. Tbh I'd be happy DS is in a loving relationship. Tell DS to have sex more quietly. Tell him you and DH can keep it quieter so he is to do the same. DS will be gone soon and you'll miss him then so make him want to come home to visit. Don't end on a sour note or he might not want to come home to visit much.

If you hate confrontation it's weird that you chose the sit down chat. If you are ever in a similar situation, confrontation is always better at the time something pisses you off, rather than saving it as a shopping list. It makes people feel less judged and not that you've been storing problems. I'm not saying they behaved well, but maybe a lot of the issues she didn't even realise existed. Your son will have tried to protect her because she probably didn't want to be in your house in the first place, and he hasn't passed the messages on. Ask him!

You are the parents and need to lay down the house rules!! It's pointless saying you don't like confrontation. It's your house and they are upsetting you and the rest of the household.
I would be making their meal at the same time as everyone elses and they can re-heat their's later. If they don't want what you make they have a pot noodle or a sandwich and that is it. The shower situation, if she won't listen turn the hot water or electric off on her. As for the sex, that is damn right disrespectful, especially as your husband has already spoken to him. Bang the wall or his bedroom door the next time it happens and tell them to pack it in!

@Glossiy what you asked wasn’t unreasonable
and her over-reaction and their subsequent row isn’t on you. If they aren’t happy with your rules they need to go elsewhere 🤷🏻‍♀️

They have...

Sorry, added my comment after you had obviously updated but the full thread hadn't loaded.
Don't feel bad, it was stuff that needed to be said. Only thing you can do now is maybe invite them both over to say you didn't want it to come to her feeling she had to leave, you just wanted a bit of respect.

Oh for goodness sake. It's your home and you are allowing this. Yet another person on this site who cannot stand up for themselves. All the while you 'don't like confrontation' you will be walked over. Weak people moan about their lot but unfortunately they don't want to upset anyone. Ffs grow a pair. They are taking you for a complete mug and you are letting them.

The girlfriend left on the 23rd.

The DS was back within hours after they'd argued.

OP hasn't been around for 4 or 5 days. I'm kind of curious to know how it turned out but she DID talk to them with her DH. Maybe the crazy kids are back, maybe not.

You did the right thing in addressing the issues but don’t turn this into a feud now. The girlfriend is allowed to react how she chooses.

I feel a bit awkward having the conversation with her as I don't really know her

Well, fuck that. Why are you letting a strange woman take over your house?

Tell them to get an AirB&B.

And get in touch with your inner warrior instead of letting your kids walk all over your boundaries.

I hate even walking past smokers because they stink of smoke.

I hate walking past cars because they belch out exhaust fumes.

Give me a smoker any day.

Yes , curious as to how it all ended up .

@Blue278 has your niece looked at New Zealand's it may be different to Australia. There may be more options.

I'd say, tough. Kitchen needs to be clean and tidy by 9 at the latest! She's living in your home so needs to be mindful of others.

I hate to say this but she sounds kind of like a princess, she's living in your home and should respect that.

Probably time for you and your husband to have very noisy sex every night (hopefully pretend though 😆) and the problem should see itself out

She sounds like a princess and what you did was right. Your DC need to be shown it's ok to have boundaries...and more interesting to your DS is her reaction when you did put boundaries in place.

She sulked off. Not a good basis for any relationship so I hope he took that in.

Southern European culture is more direct than the UK, she will be thinking if theres something wrong you'd just say. I'd practice some direct but non confrontational phrases, a simple "the cooking disturbed us last night, please finish in the kitchen by 9pm" should sort it. Can you set her some tasks that take her out the house, walking the dog or getting the shopping or even a trip to the post office? That kills two birds as she's out and also helping. Maybe also have a few date nights with hubby so you get some space, or suggest they go out every few nights... Maybe your son can take her away for the weekend... I think talking about the kissing and sex is a recipe for awkwardness so I'd leave that well alone personally!!
If she's not working she also might not be able to rent somewhere, there's quite strict rules around tenants and as they're moving afresh, it's kind of you to put them up so they can save money. If it gets too much, again a simple "I'm sorry, we are finding it a bit much, can you rent somewhere for the next month or two" isn't confrontational it's just honest and direct.

She's gone.

She went a week ago.

Some people never read the updates. So annoying, they may as well just speak to themselves .

Yes. If you're on the app on a type of phone that doesn't support the 'Read All' [of the OP's posts] function, wouldn't you at least have a quick scan read for updates, or at least scan the final few dozen posts?